The Kankers/At the Gag Factory (Tino Tonitini, Ed, Edd, n' Eddy's Big Picture Show)

This is how Jimmy encounters the Kankers, and the heroes are in the gag factory in Weekenders in Ed, Edd, n Eddy's Big Picture Show.

[Sarah and Jimmy skip past Eddy's house, carrying a basket. They enter the lane and come to a fence.]

Sarah: "On three, Jimmy. One..."

Sarah and Jimmy: "...two...three!"

[They toss the basket over the fence into Peach Creek Estates. They then pick it up on the other side and continue to run, giggling. This continues until they enter the woods, where Jimmy slows, then stops.]

Sarah: [annoyed] "What's the matter, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "I'm not allowed to go in there, Sarah. I still have bad dreams, and my mom had to buy a mattress cover!"

Sarah: [rolling her eyes] "Okay, but you're really gonna miss a doozy!"

[Sarah skips into the trailer park.]

Jimmy: [after a moment of contemplation] "I hope Kevin knocks Eddy's teeth out!" [He follows Sarah down the trail.] "Wait for me, girlfriend!"

[The path forks. Sarah takes the right fork, but Jimmy, unable to see Sarah, chooses the left path. He trips over a piece of machinery and flies into a lawn chair. Bouncing off that, he flies into the air and falls into a wagon full of clothes. The wagon tips over, spilling its load behind May. All three Kankers look up.]

Marie: "Oh, way to go, May!"

Lee: "Yeah! As if our laundry wasn't dirty enough! Quit holding up the line!" [She slings a bucket of clothespins at May.]

May: [ducking] "Watch it Lee!" [The bucket hits the wagon and boomerangs back to hit May in the back of her head.] "That didn't even hurt." [Marie hits her with a giant bag of soap.]

Marie: "Get back to work, snoutface. My skivvies ain't gonna wash themselves."

Lee: "Heh. Snoutface. Good one, Marie."

[May picks herself up off the ground. Jimmy peeks out and sees Lee pin an undershirt to the wire.]

May: "If you guys weren't such fashion hogs, there wouldn't be all this laundry to do!" [She pulls Jimmy out from the pile.]

Jimmy: "Oh, please! Don't hurt me!"

May: "Looks like someone left something in their pocket!"

Lee: "What is it?"

Marie: "Looks like it's whats-his-face!"

May: "Let's call him Dutch."

Lee: [leering] "A little far from home, aren't ya, Dutch?"

May: "Uh-oh, looks like Dutch needs a diaper!"

Jimmy: [worried] "I'm fine, really, I am!"

May: "Aw, he's squirming!"

[May pins him up and proceeds to nurse him with a bottle of ketchup. Lee steals Jimmy away.]

Lee: "Dutch ain't a baby." [She throws Jimmy down.] "He's a big grown man." [sinister] "I bet he wants a date." [after a few moments] "WHERE'S MY FLOWERS DUTCH?!?!?" [She giggles as Jimmy lies on the ground, twitching.]

Marie: [picking him up] "Aw, my man doesn't need to give me any flowers." [She drops him by the washing machine.] "He just needs to do my laundry. Knock yourself out, Dutch."

May: [grabbing Jimmy] "Babies don't do laundry!"

Lee: "He's mine!" [She grabs Jimmy's arm.] "Gimme my man."

Marie: [taking Jimmy's other leg] "Laundry boy's all mine, ladies."

Lee: "Back off Marie."

May: "Baby's mine!"

[The three tug at Jimmy, stretching his body.]

Jimmy: "I'm getting stretch marks!" [Jimmy's pants split, revealing his teddy bear underwear.] "Stop! I just wanted to see Ed, Edd n Eddy get clobbered!"

[The Kankers abruptly let go.]

Lee: [menacing] "What did you say about our boyfriends?"

Sarah: "None of your beeswax!"

[The Kankers turn to the fiery-headed newcomer. Sarah sets her basket down and seethes with rage. Tears of gratitude fill Jimmy's eyes.]

Jimmy: "My hero."

[The Kankers jump his hero.]

Jimmy: "Leave her alone!"

Sarah: "Ah ah AAAAHH!!!"

Jimmy: "What'd she ever do to you?" [Marie pins Sarah to the ground.]

Sarah: "Get off me, lemme go!"

[Marie giggles. May grabs Sarah's head and holds it in place.]

Lee: "So none of our beeswax, huh? What a shame."

[Lee opens her mouth and sticks her finger in. When it comes out, it is covered with spit. May giggles in anticipation, and her sisters join in. May then turns Sarah's head on its side, and Lee holds her finger above Sarah. Spittle drips onto Sarah's cheek until Lee jams her finger into Sarah's ear, swishing it around in a Wet Willy.]

Sarah: "Ew that's so gross!"

Jimmy: "A Wet Willy! Oh, the horror!"

Marie: [as Lee works her finger] "So tell us, twerp–"

May: "–what do you and Dutch know about our boyfriends!"

Jimmy: "Stop! Enough!" [The torture stops as Jimmy comes running up.] "The Eds did something really bad! Something big happened because everyone's angry, chasing after them to give them their just desserts!" [crying] "Ahhaha, I'm such a snitch!"

May: "Did you hear what Dutch said?"

Marie: [angry] "Ain't nobody beating up on my man but me!"

Lee: "Grab the two squirts, girls. We're gonna need em."

[Sarah and Jimmy look at each other, worry in their eyes.]

[The Eds are walking through a field of sunflowers. Edd is using a strange device. Suddenly, Eddy runs up.]

Eddy: "Double D! Check this–" [He runs into Ed.]

Edd: [staring at Ed] "Oh, um...cute."

Eddy: "No, no, not that! This." [He picks up a sunflower and slams it into Ed's face. Ed starts to chase him.] "Uh oh."

Ed: "I am the mighty Agamushin! I am from outer space!"

Eddy: "Don't bite me, oh Agam whatcha-whatchamacallit!"

Edd: [chuckling] "Agamushin. A forest substrate. How apropos." [He looks through the device. Suddenly, Eddy grabs it.]

Eddy: "What's that stupid thing? Can you see cartoons in it?" [He spins it.] "It's a wheeze-widdler!"

[Ed arrives, and Eddy smiles evilly.]

Ed: "I will eat you now!"

[Eddy uses the device on Ed's face. Soon, there is nothing left of Ed on top of his coat. Eddy looks in, and an arm reaches out from inside the jacket and grabs him. Ed sticks his head out of the armhole.]

Ed: "Gotcha, Eddy!" [Eddy chuckles.]

Edd: [angrily resetting the device] "Yes, well, it's all fun and games, but merrymaking nearly cost us this sextant!"

[Ed and Eddy abruptly stop.]

Eddy: "You catch that, Ed?" [to Edd] "Ah, the what? I missed that. What's it called?"

Edd: "It's called a sextant." [Ed begins to giggle.] "An astronomical instrument used to–" [He stops.]

Eddy: "Again, sorry, I missed it. What's it called?"

Edd: "It's commonly known as a sextant, Eddy–" [Ed and Eddy burst into laughter. Edd thinks about it.]

Ed: "Say it again, Double D!"

Edd: [realizing what he said] "Oh my!" [He blushes.] "You won't be giggling when this unnamed device triangulates our position and gives us a precise heading to the true direction of the gag factory."

Eddy: "Wanna bet?"

Edd: "But in order for me to calculate our bearings to the gag factory, I'll need–" [He walks into a brick wall.]

Ed: "Land ho!" [He points to a loading dock for the building: the Lemon Brook Gag Factory.]

Eddy: "This is it!"

Ed: "Gag factory, yay!"

Edd: "Sanctuary at long last!"

Eddy: [tugging on the doors] "HEY BIG BRO! IT'S ME! EDDY!"

Edd: "Perhaps the front doors will yield a response!"

Eddy: "Good idea! I forgot my big bro hates back doors."

Ed: "Me too! We are so alike!"

Eddy: "Yeah right."

[The Eds run to the front doors of the factory.]

[Wilfred is following the trail. He stumbles down a hill as he leads Rolf into the field of cows.]

Rolf: "Hmm. Wilfred, look! What barbarian would allow their secreting masses of flesh to wander the field? Rolf fears a omen has befallen us." [He halts Wilfred and throws down a bucket.] "Guard the provisions. Rolf will interrogate this caboodle of bovine discord."

[Rolf climbs down. As he does so, he knocks a string of sausages loose. They dangle in front of Wilfred, and Wilfred begins to follow them.]

Rolf: "Hal-low."

[Rolf has found an extremely fat cow. He milks it. Once finished, he moves out and grabs the bucket, not noticing that Wilfred has walked off. Rolf sips deeply of the milk.]

Rolf: [finishing] "The interrogation is complete, Wilfred. Nothing to fear." [He jumps.] "NAH-SHIZ-LOW!!!"

[Lying in front of Rolf is a cow. What scares Rolf is not the cow, but the cow's udder. What scares Rolf is not the udder, but the drawing on it–a mustached Eddy with "I ♥ Bro" on his shirt.]

Rolf: "Has the world lost its mind? The Ed-boys now have desecrated the sack of sustenance! Come, Wilfred! The Ed-boys must not escape!"

[Rolf looks around for Wilfred, but can't find him anywhere.]

Rolf: "Wilfred!" [Wilfred does not appear.] "Wilfred?" [A long shot of the field shows that Wilfred is gone.] "WILFRED!!!"

[Ed's head slams into the door to the factory before finally breaking through.]

Ed: "Knock knock, I am Ed!" [Eddy kicks the door open.]

Eddy: "Where is he? Do you see him?" [The factory is completely dark and nonoperational.] "Where ya hidin at, ya big lug?"

[The Eds stop in the middle of the factory. The door slams behind them.]

Ed: "Ollie ollie oxen free!" [He runs through the factory.] "Oh look, lots of stuffy stuff."

Eddy: "Bro! It's me, Eddy! You know–Pipsqueak?" [He looks around.] "Where is everybody? Are you sure this is the gag factory? 'Cause I ain't laughin."

Ed: [wearing a pair of gag glasses] "Looks gaggy to me, Eddy."

Edd: "Ed, comic book, please."

Eddy: "Man that joke's old."

Edd: "Exactly! This publication was printed over ten years ago!"

Ed: "Revolt of the Rotting Brains! A classic."

Eddy: "This comic's useless!" [He tosses it away.]

Ed: "Eddy!" [He gallops around, looking for it.] "Oh where, oh where has my rotting brain gone!"

Eddy: "We're hooped!" [He collapses to the dusty floor.] "We'll never find my brother, Double D."

Edd: "Never say never, Eddy. Perhaps old customer receipts or employee records will unearth a clue to his whereabouts."

Ed: "Choo choo!" [He pushes a heavy box into Eddy.] "Oh, look! Boxes stuffed with stuff!"

Edd: "Not again! Ed! We'll never make headway if you keep rummaging for–" [A rubber chicken hits him.]

Ed: "Chickens, Double D! Oh I love them to death I do!"

Eddy: "Can't have a party without a rubber chicken, Double D! Big bro said so."

Edd: "Edifying." [He approaches some stairs.] "I'll go examine the factory's filing cabinets and see what I can find." [He starts the climb.]

Eddy: [to Ed] "What else you got in there, lummox?"

[Edd stands at the office door. He tugs on rubber gloves and a surgical mask before entering. Inside, the lights switch on. Outside, Ed and Eddy are still looking for toys. Eddy finds something and hides it behind his back.]

Eddy: "Oh, Ed..." [He holds out the item.] "Gum?"

Ed: "Lucky me!" [He grabs a stick and pulls. The gum then proceeds to give him a severe electrical shock.]

Eddy: [laughing] "What a chump!" [Suddenly, he grabs his stomach.] "My stomach, Ed! I think I'm gonna–BLLAAAH!" [He tosses some fake vomit onto the floor.]

Ed: "Pardon me, miss, but I think you dropped your lunch!" [He throws it back down.]

Eddy: "Hey, quit tossing my cookies!"

Ed: "I upped your chuck, Eddy!"

Eddy: "Looks real, don't it?"

Ed: "No home should be without one, Eddy!"

[They break into raucous laughter as Edd, upstairs, fiddles with the files. He finds the employee file and opens it, only to dump the contents out; they're so old, they have crumbled into dust.]

Edd: [disgusted] "Goodness."

[Edd slams the cabinet shut and is thanked with a cloud of dust to his face. He then walks over to the trashcan and tosses away his mask before turning back to the file cabinet, labeler in hand.]

Edd: [exiting the office] "Have you two forgotten why we're here?" [He removes his gloves.] "Eddy?"

[Downstairs is nothing but silence. His friends have gone missing. Edd walks to the factory floor.]

Edd: "Ed? Hello!" [Nobody replies.] "Oh, for Pete's sake. If this is some kind of foolish joke you're playing, it's not funny."

[Edd walks around the dark, silent factory floor. Not finding his friends, he becomes scared.]

Edd: "Eddy? Ed?"

[A gear wheel clatters to the floor and rolls out from a gap between two machines. Edd approaches the gap.]

Edd: "Is anyone there?"

[Eddy steps out. He has a hatchet buried in his head.]

Eddy: "RUN DOUBLE D! Save yourself..." [He crumples to the ground.]

Edd: "EDDY! THIS CAN'T BE!" [He stumbles backwards into Ed, who has a fork through his head.]

Ed: [eyes rolled back in his skull] "If looks could kill I'd be dead."

Edd: "AAH! AAH! AAAH!"

Ed: [laughing and mocking him] "Aah! Aah! Help me! Help me! I'm Double D!" [Eddy joins in.]

Eddy: [lifting the hatchet] "It's a gag, see? What'd ya, fall off the back of a truck?"

Ed: [still giggling] "Aw, we're sorry, Double D. Jelly bean?" [He holds out a can.]

Edd: "Why, thank you, Ed. These should prove quite comforting, and I am a bit peckish." [He tries to open the lid twice, with no success.] "A stubborn lid, this." [He strains and finally breaks the seal.] "Ah, success."