Connor Lacey's Adventures of Adventure Time: Stakes/Transcript

This is the script for Connor Lacey's Adventures of Adventure Time: Stakes.

Cosmo Royale: Ladies and gentlemonsters, from across the universe, welcome to the Warrior Dome! It's time for a special realm special of Galaxy Warriors!

[Crowd cheering]

[Then, Cosmo Royale announced the mission on Ooo]

Cosmo Royale: Now, without further ado, I give you, Korvaka. Let the mission and battle begin!

[Theme song]

[Marceline was under the tree]

Marceline: Come on, Marci. It'll only hurt for a second. That's nothing in the face of eternity.

[Sizzling]

Marceline: [Screams] A second hurts really bad in the face of eternity. But only for a moment. [Screams] [Screams] [Screams] Wait. I have an even better idea. Sunscreen SPF 10 Million. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm! I have exactly enough to reach my umbrella.

[Wind howls]

[Then, Connor Lacey and Pals have arrived at Ooo]

Connor Lacey: This must be the place.

Twilight Sparkle: The land of Ooo.

Marceline: Who are you, people?

Connor Lacey: We are Connor Lacey's Adventure Team. I'm Connor Lacey, the leader.

[

Peppermint Butler: [Laughs] Ha! [Laughing] [Humming]

Princess Bubblegum: You really like chopping wood, huh?

Peppermint Butler: I'm not chopping wood. I made a toothpick from the ancient elm. See?

Marceline: Uh, knock, knock.

Princess Bubblegum: What the dip, Marceline?

Marceline: Sorry. It was supposed to be a joke. Actually, I have something really serious to ask. I want you to do the procedure, the one we talked about.

Princess Bubblegum: I'm sorry, but I don't think you'd make a good blonde.

Marceline: No, not that. I don't want to be a vampire anymore.

Princess Bubblegum: [Gasps] Oh, my globness.

Marceline: You said you were working on a cure, right?

Princess Bubblegum: [Sighs] Well, the machine is built and the serums are ready, but are you sure you want to do this?

Marceline: I'm sure. Some bad things happened to me when I was little. When I became a vampire, I was just a messed-up kid. Now it's 1,000 years later, and I'm still messed up. I don't want to spend eternity like this, with this emptiness. I want to grow up.

Bubblegum: Okay. Let's do this. This means someday you'll die. You know that, right?

Marceline: [Gulps] I guess that will be my last adventure.

Bubblegum: Marceline I'm so very, very, very excited to test my new lab out on you.

Marceline: Well, don't get all sentimental on me.

Bubblegum: Come on over here. You know I care about you. I think you're making the right choice. Your natural life spend is going to be richier and fuller than you can imagine. And someday, when you die, I'll be the one who puts you in the ground. But, you know, this operation might not even work.

Marceline: Whooooooooa! This tickles really bad! [Groans] Did it work?

Bubblegum: Well, I sucked all your vampire effluvium into this bucked. Possibly we won't know the results for a couple of days. In the meantime, you need to get plenty of rest. I'll check your vitals in the morning.

Marceline: Thanks, P. Brains.

[Snoring]

[Heart thumping]

[Cow moos]

Marceline: No! [Pop!] [Screaming] Huh?

Farmer It's breakfast time for my sweet babies. [Gasps] Sweet babies! Operator! Put me through to Finn and Jake. It's an emergency.

Jake: Victim's lost a lot of blood. Clean entry wounds. It's an expert job.

Farmer: Poor miss baby. She used to be my best cream cow. But now her milk is nonfat. And nanette, my beautiful calf is decaf!

Jake: That's terrible!

Woman: Every farm in our village was attacked. Not a goat or a cow or a duck left un-sucked.

Jake: Well, I've heard enough. Come on, Finn. Let's go arrest Marceline.

[All cheering]

Finn: Wait a minute. We don't even know if Marceline did this.

Jake: That's right. I forgot about Ooo's extensive vampire community. [Imitates buzzer] Come on!

Finn: Yeah, but we need to conduct a proper investigation.

Jake: I know that. Ain't no rookie.

Finn: All right, come on. I'll let you be bad cop.

Jake: I'm already bad cop. Okay, let's not pay seeds. Me and my partner will "interrogate" the suspect police-style. Meanwhile, you sharpen up your pitchforks mob-style.

All: Yeah!

Finn: Hey, man, that's not right. Marceline's our friend.

Jake: Physical contact! Officer resisting arrest! Boom!

Finn Ow!

[All cheering]

Marceline: Ohh, woof. Marceline want to go ny-ny.

Bubblegum: Don't go ny-ny, Marci. I'm worried.

Marceline: For real? Why?

Bubblegum: Well, the process was experimental.

Marceline: Like, are there side effects? What happened in your sleep last night? Nobody on record has ever cured vampirism, unless you count killing vampires as curing.

In that case, you've cured tons, right? "Tons" is an understatement. That Shnoz was nasty, nasty times. [Knock on door] Hey, cover up. The sun's hitting the door. I'm still undead? We don't know yet. Pinkie Pie: So just chill. Oh, hey, guys. How you doing? Jake did excessive force on me. I'm sorry. [Smooches] - Let me kiss it! [Smooching] - [Laughs] Ew! Ew! Hurry up. Get in here. You done it this time, Marceline. You sucked the life out of defenseless animals! I ain't done nothing. You think I'm buying that boom-boom mountain? Oh, get some proof. You want proof? Look. - [Crash!] - Whoa! Proof of how off I'm gonna go if you don't confess. Yo, chill, Jake. I'm wilin' out! Listen, Marci, I can barely control this guy, and the villagers are getting crazy. They want to run you over with a wagon, and I'm offering you a way out. Hey, dillweeds, I just swept the place. Sorry. Finn, be real for a second. All right. Look into my eyes, man. I didn't do it. To be honest, it looks like you're not sure if you did it. Okay, I'm not sure! Something weird happened last night.

I had a weird dream about stuff. Dream stuff always means something. We'll figure this out, Marci, together. - We promise. - Thanks, Finn. That's cool, you guys, but clean this mess, also, you bums. He's a gob-gleebin' vampire hugger! We got to tell the town! Book it, Terry! Run, Terry! Run! How long do we have to stay in the laundry house, cloud dance? Until Finn and Jake avert the threat. We can't afford to lose more livestock. We're struggling as is to keep our kids fed. Let's just stay in here until the dirty vampire gets what's coming to her. But I want to bop her in the nose! Hey, now, it's too dangerous, okay? A small town, we gotta stay close. Each of us play a vital role, and I can't afford losing any of you. Not you, Clubhouse Sandy, or you, Seed Man, or even you, Sandwich Paul. Sensei Paul. Let's leave the fighting to the fighters, okay, Paul? That hurts. You don't know I teach aikido. Finn's been turned! Wha?! He does the vampire's bidding. Well, there it is. Tonight we burn the beast Marceline. [All cheering, mooing] Woof. I can barely stand up. Look at this. It's my new dance. It's called "I got arthritis. " Ohh. The end. You should have hung back with P. B. But I've got a bad feeling like you guys are gonna die without me. Dang, Marci. Have some faith. Geez. Guys, look. Moo! [Hissing] [Screams] Get it! [Both screaming] You see it? No. But what's that? Must be its filthy lair. - [Whimpers] - What's wrong? Remember how I said my fear of vampires - was based on ignorance? - Yeah. Well, I think that revelation was actually based on true ignorance. So you're scared of vampires again? Yeah, man, don't be ignorant. Come on. Okay, but I'm gonna hold on to your shirt. Look at these poor babies. What's happening to them? Y-y-you tell me, m-man. Moo. I think they're in the process of being turned, eh? Ugh, glob. Something big just dropped in my gut. Hang in there, bro. I can't be here, man. It's too real. Wait, you hear that? Listen. [Sucking] There! [Groans] A little help. [Screaming] Jake! [Grumbling] Hey, get back here! [Panting] Dang! Lost him! Marci? Hey, Marci, you still out here? She's still out here, all right. Oh, hey, man. Did you see a scary beast go by? I chased it out here, but it got away. Oh, we found that beast, and we took care of her real nice You vampire hugger! Wait, what? Lookum yonder. What the blood? [All chanting "vamp"] [Groans] You dumb bumbags! [Gasps] Now look at the other yonder. Huh? Oh, fudge! You're sick, man! What's wrong with you? What? I'm the good guy here. You're gonna explode my friend. All: Blow her up! Blow her up! Oh, flip, you're right. This is way messed up.

Finn: Run, Finn! You got to beat the sun! [Screams] Go, Finn! Go! Aaaaaaah! Marceline, nooooo!

Marcelline Don't let anyone read my diaries. Burn them, Finn! They're embarrassi [screaming]

Marceline, nooooo! Don't let anyone read my diaries! Burn them, Finn! They're embarrassi And then he said, "fine. " That's the story of how I met your Dad. Can I play now? No, Marceline, sweetie. It's nap time. But I don't want to sleep. My dreams are weird. All dreams are weird. But, Mom, my dreams we-e-e-ird. Honey, something weird might just be something familiar viewed from a different angle. And that's not scary, right? Let's go in the garden You'll find something waiting Right there where you left it Flying upside down When you finally find it You'll see how it's faded The underside is lighter When you turn it around Everything stays right where you left it Hello, Marci. I don't know if you'll ever hear this message. I fear my thoughts are no longer my own. Just watch over me until I can find my way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity. And then maybe, Betty, my princess Maybe you will love me again. Please love me again, Betty! Okay, bye. Hey, Simon. I, uh, finished packing your gear. So, can I have my tape now? What? No. This is private, silly. There you go. Snug as a bug. Seriously, Simon. Please don't go. I-I have to protect you. How can you protect me if you not even here? I'll arrange for someone to come take care of you. I'll make sure he doesn't leave. Please, Simon, I could help you with this. Yeah, maybe one day you will. But until then, you have to stay brave, my fearless Marceline. Ouch! You see? I have to go now. Goodbye, Marci. Wait! No! Wait! Ohh! Simon! Simon! Gah, ew. Okay, I know you're here. Peek-a-pop! The Fool! You found me, Marceline. Now you're it. We're not playing, Fool. You're an evil, blood-sucking fiend. I'm trying to kill you. Hey, you want to see something funny? I look like a butt. Pbht! Ohh! Huh? Oh. Cool. Sweet music to my ears. Come on, little bun. Just turn around. Ugh, stupid animal. Wha?! Oh! I'm sorry! All right, hold still. There you go. See? It's okay. No, kid! You don't have to be afraid of me! I'm a really good Person. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Huh? There's ohh, hoo A vampire! No! Yes way. I saw it real close. It looked like a girl, but it had fangs like Everybody, ready your weapons. Don't worry. We'll be ready for it. Ohh! Hey. No, no, I-it's cool. I'm on your side. Go away, vampire. I'm in the sunlight. I'm not a flipping vampire! Mm? Mm? What's that? Oh, you want old Two Bread Tom to play the song. Please do not play the song. No. The child is right. As humans, it's our duty to tell the tales, to sing the songs. Art must survive. Streaks on the China Never mattered before Who cares? When you drop-kicked your jacket As you came through the door No one glared But sometimes things get turned around And no one's spared All hands, look out below There's a change in the status quo-o-o Gonna need all the help that we can get You want me to play more? Yes, please. The consensus is that your cover's better. According to our new arrival Life is more than mere survival And we just might live the good life yet Hmm? Oh, man, Schwabl, I sure hope there ain't a little vampire kid sneaking up behind me. Vampire atack! Oh, no! Ugh! I'm dead. This is serious, Marceline. What if I was a vampire? You need an animal hat. Looks like the project's coming along, huh? Waaaah! - Hey, Marceline! - Marceline! Two Bread Tom, how's it going, man? Oh, so good. I had a hoagie for lunch. And even better, the ship's repairs are almost done. We should be ready to sail in another day or two. Oh, that's really great. But listen, I've cleared out almost all the vampires that are left. In another week or two, you won't even have to leave. Yeah, Marceline! Oh, Marci, you're such a sweet weird kid. But it's not just the vampires or the oozers or them hungry-looking rainbows. The latest atmospheric readings are going bananas. Something big is coming. And it's gonna change all this. No, we'd do best to clear out of this continent altogether. Hey, you should come, too. After all you're one of us. They're here! They're here! Aah! He's biting my hat! Get to the boat! Oh, geez. Oh, geez. That's not Schwabl, man. Well, you got me. What gave it away? The boots? Aah! Marceline! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hi, there, Hierophant! Why can't you just let us eat humans? You're, like, messing up the natural order. This is our time. It's my time. And once I stake and gank your shape-shifting power, I'll be unstoppable. Ha! What?! I picked up self-healing power last month, off some vamp with a head like a garden trowel. So, you've slain sister moon. Look at you. You're just a hapa demon punk, blind to the price you must pay for such powers. Blah! I don't care! Fine. Ah! Show yourself! Okay. Wah-wah. Ka-ching! Oh, Geez. Hey, Marceline, let me "ax" you something. You get it? You have to leave, Tom. Oh, I didn't think it was that bad. You have to leave now! Aah. He's here. He's the worst of them all The Vampire King. What? Marceline, you're not dead! Whoo! P.B.'s cure. It must have worked! No soy vampire. Also, untie me, please. I'm not a murderer! Okay, but wait, if she's not a vampire, then what's been draining our cows?

Jake: Aah! Finn? Finn? Geez. I hope Finn didn't get blood-sucked after I stress-fainted.

Connor Lacey: Who the heck is this?

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