The Kankers/At the Gag Factory

This how the scene for the Kankers and the Gag Factory goes in Thomas, Twilight, Ed, Edd, n' Eddy's Big Picture show.

''[Sarah and Jimmy skip past Eddy's house, carrying a basket. They enter the lane and come to a fence.]''

Sarah: "On three, Jimmy. One..."

Sarah and Jimmy: "...two...three!"

''[They toss the basket over the fence into Peach Creek Estates. They then pick it up on the other side and continue to run, giggling. This continues until they enter the woods, where Jimmy slows, then stops.]''

Sarah: [annoyed] "What's the matter, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "I'm not allowed to go in there, Sarah. I still have bad dreams, and my mom had to buy a mattress cover!"

Sarah: [rolling her eyes] "Okay, but you're really gonna miss a doozy!"

[Sarah skips into the trailer park.]

Jimmy: [after a moment of contemplation] "I hope Kevin knocks Eddy's teeth out!" [He follows Sarah down the trail.] "Wait for me, girlfriend!"

''[The path forks. Sarah takes the right fork, but Jimmy, unable to see Sarah, chooses the left path. He trips over a piece of machinery and flies into a lawn chair. Bouncing off that, he flies into the air and falls into a wagon full of clothes. The wagon tips over, spilling its load behind May. All three Kankers look up.]''

Marie: "Oh, way to go, May!"

Lee: "Yeah! As if our laundry wasn't dirty enough! Quit holding up the line!" [She slings a bucket of clothespins at May.]

May: [ducking] "Watch it Lee!" [The bucket hits the wagon and boomerangs back to hit May in the back of her head.] "That didn't even hurt." [Marie hits her with a giant bag of soap.]

Marie: "Get back to work, snoutface. My skivvies ain't gonna wash themselves."

Lee: "Heh. Snoutface. Good one, Marie."

''[May picks herself up off the ground. Jimmy peeks out and sees Lee pin an undershirt to the wire.]''

May: "If you guys weren't such fashion hogs, there wouldn't be all this laundry to do!" [She pulls Jimmy out from the pile.]

Jimmy: "Oh, please! Don't hurt me!"

May: "Looks like someone left something in their pocket!"

Lee: "What is it?"

Marie: "Looks like it's whats-his-face!"

May: "Let's call him Dutch.

Lee: [leering] "A little far from home, aren't ya, Dutch?"

May: "Uh-oh, looks like Dutch needs a diaper!"

Jimmy: [worried] "I'm fine, really, I am!

May: "Aw, he's squirming!"

''[May pins him up and proceeds to nurse him with a bottle of ketchup. Lee steals Jimmy away.]''

Lee: "Dutch ain't a baby." [She throws Jimmy down.] "He's a big grown man." [sinister] "I bet he wants a date."[after a few moments] "WHERE'S MY FLOWERS DUTCH?!?!?" [She giggles as Jimmy lies on the ground, twitching.]

Marie: [picking him up] "Aw, my man doesn't need to give me any flowers." [She drops him by the washing machine.] "He just needs to do my laundry. Knock yourself out, Dutch."

May: [grabbing Jimmy] "Babies don't do laundry!"

Lee: "He's mine!" [She grabs Jimmy's arm.] "Gimme my man."

Marie: [taking Jimmy's other leg] "Laundry boy's all mine, ladies."

Lee: "Back off Marie."

May: "Baby's mine!"

[The three tug at Jimmy, stretching his body.]

Jimmy: "I'm getting stretch marks!" [Jimmy's pants split, revealing his teddy bear underwear.] "Stop! I just wanted to see Ed, Edd n Eddy get clobbered!"

[The Kankers abruptly let go.]

Lee: [menacing] "What did you say about our boyfriends?"

Sarah: "None of your beeswax!"

''[The Kankers turn to the fiery-headed newcomer. Sarah sets her basket down and seethes with rage. Tears of gratitude fill Jimmy's eyes.]''

Jimmy: "My hero."

[The Kankers jump his hero.]

Jimmy: "Leave her alone!"

Sarah: "Ah ah AAAAHH!!!"

Jimmy: "What'd she ever do to you?" [Marie pins Sarah to the ground.]

Sarah: "Get off me, lemme go!"

''[Marie giggles. May grabs Sarah's head and holds it in place.]''

Lee: "So none of our beeswax, huh? What a shame."

''[Lee opens her mouth and sticks her finger in. When it comes out, it is covered with spit. May giggles in anticipation, and her sisters join in. May then turns Sarah's head on its side, and Lee holds her finger above Sarah. Spittle drips onto Sarah's cheek until Lee jams her finger into Sarah's ear, swishing it around in a Wet Willy.]''

Sarah: "Ew that's so gross!"

Jimmy: "A Wet Willy! Oh, the horror!"

Marie: [as Lee works her finger] "So tell us, twerp–"

May: "–what do you and Dutch know about our boyfriends!"

Jimmy: "Stop! Enough!" [The torture stops as Jimmy comes running up.] "The Eds did something really bad! Something big happened because everyone's angry, chasing after them to give them their just desserts! But then those cartoon trains prevented them from doing so, and now they're hot on the trail! [crying] "Ahhaha, I'm such a snitch!"

May: "Did you hear what Dutch said?"

Marie: [angry] "Ain't nobody beating up on my man but me! Besides, those engines alone may not be able to protect him.

Lee: "Grab the two squirts, girls. We're gonna need em."

[Sarah and Jimmy look at each other, worry in their eyes.]

[with our heroes]

''[The Eds are walking through a field of sunflowers. Edd is using a strange device. Suddenly, Eddy runs up.]''

Eddy: "Double D! Check this–" [He runs into Ed.]

Edd: [staring at Ed] "Oh, um...cute."

Eddy: "No, no, not that! This." ''[He picks up a sunflower and slams it into Ed's face. Ed starts to chase him.]'' "Uh oh."

Ed: "I am the mighty Agamushin! I am from outer space!"

Eddy: "Don't bite me, oh Agam whatcha-whatchamacallit!"

Edd: [chuckling] "Agamushin. A forest substrate. How apropos." ''[He looks through the device. Suddenly, Eddy grabs it.]''

Eddy: "What's that stupid thing? Can you see cartoons in it?" [He spins it.] "It's a wheeze-widdler!"

[Ed arrives, and Eddy smiles evilly.]

Ed: "I will eat you now!"

''[Eddy uses the device on Ed's face. Soon, there is nothing left of Ed on top of his coat. Eddy looks in, and an arm reaches out from inside the jacket and grabs him. Ed sticks his head out of the armhole.]''

Ed: "Gotcha, Eddy!" [Eddy chuckles.]

Edd: [angrily resetting the device] "Yes, well, it's all fun and games, but merrymaking nearly cost us this sextant!"

[Ed and Eddy abruptly stop.]

Eddy: "You catch that, Ed?" [to Edd] "Ah, the what? I missed that. What's it called?"

Edd: "It's called a sextant." [Ed begins to giggle.] "An astronomical instrument used to–" [He stops.]

Eddy: "Again, sorry, I missed it. What's it called?"

Edd: "It's commonly known as a sextant, Eddy–" ''[Ed and Eddy burst into laughter. Edd thinks about it.]''

Shining Armor: [catches the joke] EDDY! ED!! Stop it! This no time to make those kind of jokes!

Edd: Thank you Shining Armor, you won't be giggling when this device triangulates our position and gives us a precise heading to the true direction of the gag factory."

Sir Handel: I wonder where the factory is?

Edd: Well Sir Handel, order for me to calculate our bearings to the gag factory, I'll need–" [He walks into a brick wall.]

Pinkie: Hey, it's the factory.

Applejack: Well, that was quick.

Ed: "Land ho!" [He points to a loading dock for the building: the Lemon Brook Gag Factory.]

Eddy: "This is it!"

Ed: "Gag factory, yay!"

Edd: "Sanctuary at long last!"

Eddy: [tugging on the doors] "HEY BIG BRO! IT'S ME! EDDY!"

Sweetie Belle: Maybe we should try the front door.

Eddy: "Good idea! I forgot my big bro hates back doors."

Ed: "Me too! We are so alike!"

Eddy: "Yeah right."

[The group runs to the front doors of the factory.]

[with Rolf]

''[Wilfred is following the trail. He stumbles down a hill as he leads Rolf into the field of cows.]''

Rolf: "Hmm. Wilfred, look! What barbarian would allow their secreting masses of flesh to wander the field? Rolf fears a omen has befallen us." [He halts Wilfred and throws down a bucket.] "Guard the provisions. Rolf will interrogate this caboodle of bovine discord."

''[Rolf climbs down. As he does so, he knocks a string of sausages loose. They dangle in front of Wilfred, and Wilfred begins to follow them.]''

Rolf: "Hal-low."

''[Rolf has found an extremely fat cow. He milks it. Once finished, he moves out and grabs the bucket, not noticing that Wilfred has walked off. Rolf sips deeply of the milk.]''

Rolf: [finishing] "The interrogation is complete, Wilfred. Nothing to fear." [He jumps.] "NAH-SHIZ-LOW!!!" ''[Lying in front of Rolf is a cow. What scares Rolf is not the cow, but the cow's udder. What scares Rolf is not the udder, but the drawing on it–a mustached Eddy with "I ♥ Bro" on his shirt.]''

Rolf: "Has the world lost its mind? The Ed-boys now have desecrated the sack of sustenance! Come, Wilfred! The Ed-boys must not escape!"

[Rolf looks around for Wilfred, but can't find him anywhere.]

Rolf: "Wilfred!" [Wilfred does not appear.] "Wilfred?" [A long shot of the field shows that Wilfred is gone.] "WILFRED!!!"

[with our heroes]

[Ed's head slams into the door to the factory]

Wreck-it Ralph: Here, let me do it! [he punches the door which breaks open, since he is "Wreck-it Ralph"]

Eddy: "Where is he? Do you see him?" [The factory is completely dark and nonoperational.] "Where ya hidin' at, ya big lug?"

Thomas: My, this is a strange place.

Fluttershy: I hope the door doesn't close.

[the door closes]

Fluttershy: [yelps] What was that? [backs into the wall and her cowardliness kicks in] AAAAAHHHHH!!!!