Po the Panda's Adventures of Arthur Christmas/Transcript

This is the script for Po the Panda's Adventures of Arthur Christmas.

Opening
[The film starts at the Jade Palace. Po sits just outside it, watching the stars. Shifu comes out]

Shifu: Po. Do you feel like you are one with the stars?

Po: [turning around] Oh, hi, Master Shifu. Uh, what does what you just said mean?

Shifu: [chuckles and sits down next to Po] Po, stars are like dreams. We cannot touch them. But if we follow them, they will guide us to our destiny, like they did yours and mine.

Po: Whoa.

[Po suddenly stands getting excited and having an idea]

Po: I'll get the five. Wait here. [running off-screen and calling to the Furious Five] Hey, guys! You'll never belive what Shifu just told me!

[Shifu looks up at the stars and smiles]

Shifu: Oogway, if only you were here to share this.

[The scene changes to a hilly countryside where a small town nestles in the middle. A little girl runs to a post box and posts a letter into it. It's addressed to Santa Claus the North Pole from Gwen Hines. The scene then changes to the North Pole with many country flags sticking out of a snow mount]

Gwen Hines: [voice over] Dear, Santa, are you real? If you live at the North Pole, then how come I can't see your house when I look on Google Earth? Are you Saint Nicholas? Because you'd be incredibly old. How do you have time to read all the letters from all the children in the world? And how many cookies and mince pies have you eaten in all of history? How do you get all the presents in the sack? Does your sack have to get bigger every year because of exponential population growth? And how do you get down the chimneys? I put my head in ours and it's really small. Even if you could squeeze down it in one minute there's nine houses in my road so that's nearly 10 minutes. And there are millions of roads in the world. It must be so hard being Santa these days. I mean, what if after all of that, I'm staying at Grandma's? Santa, how can you get round the whole world in just one night? My friend said that you'd have to go so fast it would make you and the sleigh and the reindeer all burn up. I think you are real. But how do you do it? For Christmas I would love a pink Twinkle Bike with stabilizers. But please don't bring it if it makes you and the reindeer burn. Love, Gwen Hines. 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England.

[Arthur pins Gwen's picture on a shelf and writes a reply]

Arthur Claus: [voice over as he writes] Dear, Gwen, thank you for your letter and brilliant picture. Your request for a pink Twinkle Bike will be passed on to Santa. And, yes, do believe in Santa. He is real. He's the greatest man ever. And he can get around the world to every child without a single reindeer being roasted ali... Hurt. By the time the sun comes up on Christmas Day, he'll get to you too using his special magic.

[The scene changes to a starry sky. Columbia and Sony Pictures Animation presents, an Aardman Production. The camera pans down to Demark at night as the title comes up: Po the Panda's Adventures of Arthur Christmas. As we zoom down into the city itself, Mantis peeks out from behind a building]

Mantis: All clear.

[The Furious Five, Shifu and Po join him]

Po: Whoa, Demark. Looks so beautiful when there's snow around you know.

[There is a sudden rumbling noise and everyone looks at Po]

Tigress: What's that your stomach?

Po: What? No.

[Po looks as the rumbling gets louder]

Po: [getting into a fighting stance] But whatever it is, be ready for some kind of attack.

[The Furious Five and Shifu get into fighting stance. The rumbling noise stops and dozens of lights appear in the sky]

Po: Huh?

[Elves drop down onto rooftops on ropes]

Crane: Elves? Really?

Field Elf: First field elf battalion set.

Female field elf: Straighten that teddy bear, soldier.

Field Elf: Ma'am.

[Santa Claus lands on a rooftop]

Christmas Dinner with Arthur and his family
[Later, at the dinner table, Arthur opens a cracker and reads the joke]

Arthu Claus: "What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!" lsn't this the best bit of Christmas?

Mantis: You bet.

Margaret Claus: It certainly is, Arthur. The whole family together.

Christmas: the Board Game
[Grandsanta and Steve are arguing over a game piece]

Gandsanta: I'm Santa!

Steve: No, I'm Santa! It's ridiculous. You just took the piece out of my hand.

Shifu: Please, both of you. I'm sure we can work a way to make this fair for you both.

Malcom Claus: Well, I am actually Santa. So I rather think I should have it.

Steve: Yes, you're the non-executive figure head.

Crane: What does it mean?

Grandsanta: It means a fatty with a beard who fits the suit.

Po: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Because I'm so chubby, everyone calls me fat.

Mantis: Like Shifu.

[Monkey stifles a giggle as Shifu glares at Mantis]

Arthur Claus: The other pieces are good too. Or I could make extra Santas for everyone.

Malcom Claus: Why don't you be the candle, Steven? All those bright ideas, eh?

Steve: Fine. I'm the candle. Arthur's the turkey, and you, father, are of course, Santa. Grandsanta, you can be this charming relic.

Grandsanta: Relic? Relic?! I did the whole of Christmas in one of these, Arthur! Oh, yes! I didn't need a trillion elves in bleepy hats.

Steve: We don't just fly about, throwing lead-painted toys down chimneys anymore. That space sends you back to Lapland.

Grandsanta: Oi!

Margret Claus: Malcom, where did you get those?

Malcom Claus: Just moving things along. Do I win?

Grandsanta: Cheats! The pair of you!

Po: [laughs]

Arthur Claus: [notices claw marks on his mother's coat] Mom, are you okay?

Margret Claus: Polar bear, dear. Attacked me on the ice. Good job I did that online survival course or it would be one less for turkey next year.

Grandsanta: Christmas has gone right down the Rodney hole. You're a postman with a spaceship.

Steve: My S-1 festivises the world at 1860 times the speed of sound.

Grandsnta: Christmas 1941, World War 2, I did the whole thing with six reindeer and a tipsy elf! [to Po and the others] I was shot at, Arthur and Friends. Took 12 direct hits. Lost 3 reindeer.

Po: And what did happen to the elf?

Grandsanta: Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.

Tigress: Whoa.

Margret Claus: Goodness. Now, Christmas crackers. Sing 'Silent Night' backwards.

Malcom Claus:

[

At the North Pole
[

Losing the sleigh
Bryony: It's Steve. He can help us.

Grandsanta: Tell him I'm not here. [hides beneath the controls]

Monkey: [to Steve] Grandsanta says that he's not here.

Steve: Hi. I'm looking for a missing relic.

Po: Relic? What are you talking about?

Steve Claus: The sleigh you're riding in now.

[Grandsanta comes out of hiding]

Grandsanta: Steve, three words...

Steve Claus: Let me guess. Is the first word help?

Tigress: Yes.

Arthur Claus: You can help us, Steve.

Grandsanta: Yeah, Steve. Frosty the madman. And his pets of his. They forced me to come.

Arthur Claus: We forced you?

Po: It was your plan.

Arthur Claus: How was it my plan?

Steve Claus: What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. A picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done?

Crane: No.

Steve Claus: You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You, led away in handcuffs! And Arthur's weirdo friends all taken to the zoo!

Po & Furious Five: WHAT!?

Steve Claus: The Santa who was seen, By everybody on Earth. The Santa and the weirdo animals from China who ruined Christmas.

Peter: Ruined it!

Shifu: What are you talking about? We would never do that.

Steve Claus: Look at the evidence: you're in the old sleigh, and the footage is on the news!

Grandsanta: We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in the wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. And Evie can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed.

Arthur Claus: You can't just go home.

Viper: What about Gwen?

Steve: Gwen. For that, you'd all threaten my whole operation?

Tigree: Steve, you said if there was any way to get there, you would.

Crane: Well, this is it. Look. The old sleigh is perfect!

Arthur Claus: Right. Well, anyway, it goes really fast, even with bits missing. And we've got quite a few reindeer left. And, if l'm sick again, l could be sick in a bag.

Bryony: l'll wrap him one.

Monkey: We can help them.

Mantis: No one missed, sir!

Viper: All correct presents, present and correct.

Tigress: lf you help us, Steve, we can do it!

Peter: Grandsanta, the animals and Arthur would be the heroes of the night, sir!

Steve Claus: Come home, now! ALL of you! If we all just give into Christmas spirit, there be chaos.

Po: Steve's right. I think we should head back.

Crane: What about the human girl Gwen? If Ryan and his friends did that before, so can we.

Monkey: We can't just give up, Po.

Po: But he's right. We have got to turn back! Would you guys rather be in the zoo, or in China?

Arthur Claus: No! Santa will want us to get to Gwen. Ask him. Please.

Steve Claus: Arthur, this is Dad we're talking about. There was a time where he cared about every last gift tag, but now... ...he just wants to be loved and get some rest.

Tigress: But, he must care.

VIper: He must be awake and worrying his beard off about Gwen right now!

[Steve calls Santa]

Santa: [on HO-HO] Ho-ho-ho. Off to the Land of Nod. Please do not disturb untill December 26th. Is that it?

Mrs. Claus: [on HO-HO] Yes, Malcolm. Just push the red--

[The gang stares in disbelief]

Mantis: Well, that is just great!

Stranded in Cuba
Po: Yeah! Grandsanta's right. It's Christmas! We're all together, that's what matters, right?

Arthur: Christmas is for kids. You grow out of it.

Tigress: [walks over to Arthur, sits down beside him and puts a comforting paw on his shoulder] Arthur, look at me. I may be all grown up but I'm still a child at heart.

[This cheers Arthur up a little]

Reaching the Sleigh/Santa and Mrs Claus set off
Arthur Claus: Jingle Bells, this boat smells~ [grunts] 3000 miles to go~

Grandsanta: Oh, dear. l've seen this before. Sleigh fever, they call it. Pressure of Christmas sends a man doolally-tap. Santa Claus XVl got it, 1802. Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark.

Bryony:

Steve's voice on HO-HO:

Crane:

Arthur Claus:

[

Arthur Claus: Come on, all of you! Worry me!

Grandsanta: lmagine Gwen, all alone.

Crane: And there's nothing under her tree.

Arthur Claus: Here we go. [sprinkles Magic Dust on himself and starts to float up! No! Don't like this! Stop! Stop! Get me down!

Po: The tears when she finds out that she's been left out.

Bryony: Screaming "Santa didn't come"!

Arthur Christmas: Oh, Gwen! [screams] No! It's just too high!

Bryony: Gwen in the street, surrounded by kids on new bikes, pointing: "That's the girl that Santa hates!" She runs away, alcoholic by the age of 9. Dead before she's even--!

[Grandsanta slaps his hand over her mouth]

Grandsanta: She may never build a snowman again!

Arthur Christmas:

[

[

Bryony: So. How come they didn’t scrap the sleigh?

Grandsanta: I threatened the elves. Said I'd feed them to the polar bears.

Tigress: [eyes widening] I think I'll pretend I never heard that.

[

[At the North Pole, Margaret is making the bed.

[Steve is lying on his bed, reading a 'Executive Job Search' paper, whe he hears a clunk outside.]