The story of the Dragon Emperor

Here's how the story of the Dragon Emperor goes in Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Potty: Patchy, Patchy, the kids are here. [flushes the toilet]

Patchy: WAH!!! [opens the curtain in panic] Hot! Hot! Hot! Potty, don't you know this is Patchy private time?[looks at the camera] Oh, hello! Dahh! [covers himself with the curtain] What are you all doing here?

Potty: They're here to see Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Brawk!

Patchy: But I haven't got Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, because I... well, I lost it! [starts to cry]

Children: [off-screen] No, Patchy! Please! Don't say that, Patchy! Please!

Patchy: But it is! It's lost and I have no idea where it is, so it's best if you forget all about Brian Griffin.

Voice: Remembering, Brian Griffin.

[A music video plays with Brian Griffin]

Audience: [clapping]

Patchy: I can't belive I lost "Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor". [screws in his peg leg] I never lose anything.

Potty: What about your leg?

Patchy: Well, yeah, but...

Potty: And your eye.

Patchy: Well, the eye, I...

Potty: And your hand.

Patchy: And the h... oh, get out of here you blasted bird! [shoos Potty away] Hmm... if only I had a map to tell me where "Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" is. [a screeching car sounds and a brick flies through the window and hits Potty; he mutters gibberish and then falls over]

Potty: What is it? Brawk!

Patchy: Hey... it's a map! It's a map to "Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor"!

Potty: It's a dream come true!

Patchy: [giggles] We gotta go find it, Potty! [shouts excitedly and runs over to the door; snaps] Oh, first I'll need me treasure hunting leg. [grabs a black boot out of a bin of umbrellas and screws it on his wooden leg while limping out the door; it now functions like a normal leg] Come on, Potty! Ah! Times a-wastin'! [runs down the steps, along with Potty]

Potty: Brawk!

Patchy:  Take seven walks to Mrs. Dawson's house.

[an elderly woman sits on her porch, knitting] Ten paces past Mrs. Johnson's house. [walks past the woman's house]

Mrs. Johnson: Would you boys like some cookies?

Patchy: Put 'em in a doggie bag, Mrs. Johnson. Can't right now, we're on a treasure hunt. [continues walking]

Mrs. Johnson: Okay, don't catch a cold.

Patchy: Walk five fathoms past Don's Import Store and Delicatessen. [looks up at a store by that name; walks next to a tree] Half a league to the forked tree. [looks up at a tree with plastic forks growing on it] Oh! [stands somewhere else, looking at the map] Now all that's left is... Huh?! The seven trials of monkey lagoon?! [lowers the map and sees a playground full of children] Merciful Neptune. Only for the Autobots. Only for the Autobots!!![runs into the playground; rides back and forth on a small green horse] '''AHHHHH!!! '''Whoa!!! [goes up and down on a see-saw] Whoa!!! Whoa! [slides down a slide with his hands up] YAHHHHH!!! [hits the ground] Ow! [gets spun around on a merry-go-round] '''AHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHH!!!' [slowly climbs on the monkey bars while a little kid punches him in the back]'' Ahh... Ahh... Ah! [inside a giant climbing thing while a group of kids laugh at him] '''AHHHHH!!! AHHHH!!! [gets pushed on the swing by a little girl] AHHHHH!!! DAHHH!!!' [the swing he was on returns with only a hook attached to it; the little girl stares at it, confused; cuts to Patchy digging in the sand]'' We made it! We survived the trials! Oh, I'm really gonna dig this movie! [laughs] Dig it, get it?[laughs some more]

Potty: [covered in sand] You stink!

Patchy: And I just got out of the shower. [laughs again; sticks his shovel in the ground and hits something] Hey Potty, I think I hit something. [camera zooms out; a large treasure chest sits in the sand] Clever... bury your treasure above the surface.

Potty: Brawk!

Patchy: [opens the chest; a golden glow shines from it] This is it! [a man in a construction hat sits in the chest, holding a tape; Patchy takes it; the man cups his hands] I don't know what it means either. [slams the top of the chest on the man] But I got what I came for! Come on Potty, time's a-wastin'. [runs off, jumping around and shouting excitedly again; runs into his house, still excited, and holds the tape up] Yeah!!! Popcorn. [slams a bag of popcorn down on the table] Soda. [puts a cup of soda on the table] Pickled garlic! [puts a jar of pickled garlic down on the table, next to the other things; runs and sits down] Potty, hit the remote!

Potty: [drops an egg that hits the remote] Brawk! [the VCR turns on]

Patchy: [grabs the popcorn] This is gonna be great! [a countdown, starting at ten, appears on the screen] I can't believe it. More Family Guy! [starts eating the popcorn; the countdown makes it's way down to five] This so exciting! [laughs, shaking the popcorn, which flies everywhere; the countdown ends] Here it comes!

Potty: Brawk! Pipe down!

[the movie begins]

["Walk Cycles" begins on the TV screen; Brian is walking down the road while techno music plays in the background; his body squishes up, then returns to normal; then, his body extends and his arms flail around; he returns to normal, then squishes up three times, shrinking smaller and smaller, in synchronization with the music; extends his body again; once again, squishes up smaller and smaller in synchronization with the music; extends his body again; starts running frantically while sweating and looking left to right; extends his body, this time with his tongue sticking out and flailing around; begins frantically running again; his limbs and body separate and his eyes pop out of his head; begins walking normally again; "Walk Cycles" ends; a beeping noise comes from the TV; Patchy stares blankly for a moment]

Patchy: That's it? That's "Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor"? [growls] THAT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF CHEAP WALK CYCLES!!!

Potty: What a rip!

Patchy: Grrrrr... [his face turns red and smoke steams out of his ears]  BRIAN GRIFFIN BETRYAED US! [cries]Why did I love this stuff in the first place?! I'm gonna get rid of all my Family Guy stuff! All of it! All of it! [rips off his pants] All of it! [runs to the door] I'm gonna run away, that's what I'll do! Run away! [runs out the door crying]

Potty: Sheesh, what a hothead!

Announcer: [on TV, another countdown has started at twenty-three seconds with the words "Thomas' Adventures in Transformers Prime movie"] And now, for the real "Brian Griffin vs. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor"!

Potty: Patchy, come back! There's more!

Patchy: Really? [he reverses] Hooray! Let's watch.

[The movie begins]