The Irelanders Meet Shrek/Transcript

This is the script for The Irelanders meets Shrek.

[The film opens with a light shining on a book which opens by itself]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waiting in the Dragon's Keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss.

[An ogre named Shrek rips a page out of the book and closes it]

Shrek: (through laughter) Yeah. Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...

[We cut to an outhouse where the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard. Shrek bursts out of the doorway and stretches as All Star begins playing in the background. He shakes a piece of paper of his foot then stands smiling at his tree stump home standing tall and proud in the sun. Shrek walks over to it, closing the outhouse door behind him. He then scoops up some mud in a bucket which green tainted water forms the title "The Irelanders Meet Shrek". Shrek puts his clothes and the bucket on tree branches before pulling a rope which makes the bucket tip the mud onto him like a shower. He gurgles and spits the mud out onto the ground revealing his voice actor's name "Mike Myers". Next, Shrek takes a bug out of a cup and squirts green gel from it on a bone like a toothbrush with toothpaste. Shrek brushes his teeth, leaving green bubbles on them whilst smiling into a mirror, which shatters and falls apart revealing another voice actor's named "Eddie Murphy". Shrek jumps in a pond and farts in it, producing bubbles. A dead fish pops up on the surface of the water and he picks it up as the green moss in the water forms another voice actor's named "Cameron Diaz". Mud pours out of a log, having been pushed by Shrek, who pokes his head out. He sees a slug and picks it up as tiny white worms for another voice actor's name "John Lithgow" before dispersing. Later, Shrek paints sign with a brush before picking it up and kissing it, getting red paint on his mouth, making him look as if he has lipstick. He puts the sign which says "Beware Ogre" with a picture of his face on it before walking away. Meanwhile, a group of villagers burst out of a pub. One of them draws a picture of Shrek's head with a circle around it and arrows pointing to it in the dirt. The villagers proceed to grab pitchforks and torches while Shrek grabs a spoon and eats an eyeball with it. As morning turns to evening, the villagers make their way towards Shrek's swamp. Shrek lights a match and burps the flames into the fire place, lighting it. The mob lights a few more torches as it is now night time then carry on. Shrek eats something sludgy before resting back in an arm chair. The mob makes their way into the swamp, knocking over Shrek's "Keep Out" signs as they go. Shrek hears them and walks over to the window. He sees the mob approaching and heads outside. The mob continue making their way into the swamp, unaware that Shrek is following them from behind. One of the mob members moves some grass aside to reveal Shrek's home]

Man 1: Think it's in there?

Man 2: All right! (moving forward) Let's get it!

Man 3: (stops him) Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Man 4: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

[The villagers hear laughing and turn to see Shrek standing behind them]

Shrek: (laughs) Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Man: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Man 5: (waving a torch in front of Shrek to defend himself) Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Causally, Shrek licks his fingers and puts the torch out without burning himself, much to the villagers' surprise]

Man 5: (sheepishly looking at Shrek and dropping his torch) Right.

[There's silence for a moment before Shrek lets out a mighty roar, causing the torches to go out and the villagers to scream in terror]

Shrek: (roaring)

Villagers: (screaming)

Shrek: (leans over to whisper) This is the part where you run away.

[The villagers drop their torches and pitchforks and run off, screaming. Shrek laughs as he watches them go]

Shrek: (laughs) And stay out!

[Shrek sees a wanted poster on the ground and picks it up]

Shrek: Wanted fairy tale creatures. (sighs)

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