The Irelanders Meet Shrek/Transcript

This is the script for The Irelanders meets Shrek.

[The film opens with a light shining on a book which opens by itself]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waiting in the Dragon's Keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss.

[An ogre named Shrek rips a page out of the book and closes it]

Shrek: (through laughter) Yeah. Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...

[We cut to an outhouse where the sound of a toilet flushing can be heard. Shrek bursts out of the doorway and stretches as All Star begins playing in the background. He shakes a piece of paper of his foot then stands smiling at his tree stump home standing tall and proud in the sun. Shrek walks over to it, closing the outhouse door behind him. He then scoops up some mud in a bucket which green tainted water forms the title "The Irelanders Meet Shrek". Shrek puts his clothes and the bucket on tree branches before pulling a rope which makes the bucket tip the mud onto him like a shower. He gurgles and spits the mud out onto the ground revealing his voice actor's name "Mike Myers". Next, Shrek takes a bug out of a cup and squirts green gel from it on a bone like a toothbrush with toothpaste. Shrek brushes his teeth, leaving green bubbles on them whilst smiling into a mirror, which shatters and falls apart revealing another voice actor's named "Eddie Murphy". Shrek jumps in a pond and farts in it, producing bubbles. A dead fish pops up on the surface of the water and he picks it up as the green moss in the water forms another voice actor's named "Cameron Diaz". Mud pours out of a log, having been pushed by Shrek, who pokes his head out. He sees a slug and picks it up as tiny white worms for another voice actor's name "John Lithgow" before dispersing. Later, Shrek paints sign with a brush before picking it up and kissing it, getting red paint on his mouth, making him look as if he has lipstick. He puts the sign which says "Beware Ogre" with a picture of his face on it before walking away. Meanwhile, a group of villagers burst out of a pub. One of them draws a picture of Shrek's head with a circle around it and arrows pointing to it in the dirt. The villagers proceed to grab pitchforks and torches while Shrek grabs a spoon and eats an eyeball with it. As morning turns to evening, the villagers make their way towards Shrek's swamp. Shrek lights a match and burps the flames into the fire place, lighting it. The mob lights a few more torches as it is now night time then carry on. Shrek eats something sludgy before resting back in an arm chair. The mob makes their way into the swamp, knocking over Shrek's "Keep Out" signs as they go. Shrek hears them and walks over to the window. He sees the mob approaching and heads outside. The mob continue making their way into the swamp, unaware that Shrek is following them from behind. One of the mob members moves some grass aside to reveal Shrek's home]

Man 1: Think it's in there?

Man 2: All right! (moving forward) Let's get it!

Man 3: (stops him) Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Man 4: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

[The villagers hear laughing and turn to see Shrek standing behind them]

Shrek: (laughs) Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Man: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Man 5: (waving a torch in front of Shrek to defend himself) Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Causally, Shrek licks his fingers and puts the torch out without burning himself, much to the villagers' surprise]

Man 5: (sheepishly looking at Shrek and dropping his torch) Right.

[There's silence for a moment before Shrek lets out a mighty roar, causing the torches to go out and the villagers to scream in terror]

Shrek: (roaring)

Villagers: (screaming)

Shrek: (leans over to whisper) This is the part where you run away.

[The villagers drop their torches and pitchforks and run off, screaming. Shrek laughs as he watches them go]

Shrek: (laughs) And stay out!

[Shrek sees a wanted poster on the ground and picks it up]

Shrek: Wanted fairy tale creatures. (sighs)

[Shrek throws the poster on the ground and walks away. The scene changes to The Tortuga landing at a clearing at the edge of the swamp the next day]

Chris Kratt: Here we are, the swamp.

Connor Lacey: Whoa. This is cool.

Manny: Yeah, but why are we here again?

Martin Kratt: Well, Manny, we're here because we need to find some creatures to make new creature power discs.

Manny: Oh, you mean like you did with me?

Chris Kratt: Yep. There are lots of swamp creatures here that we can pick. (using his Creature Pod to show video footage of swamp creatures) Like alligators who lives at some swamps. Mosquitoes who drinks blood from humans and other creatures and river otters who live here.

Martin Kratt: Though there are some creatures that we haven't tried before. (using his Creature Pod to show video footage of swamp creatures) Like the marsh rabbit who is one of the two species of rabbit to live in swamps such as this, besides the swamp rabbit. Then there are water striders, which are insects walking on water like basilisk lizards. And plenty of others that we have yet to have creature adventures with.

Sid: Boy, you two sure know lots of things about creatures. Did you two learn all this in school?

Chris Kratt: Well, at university and when we become zoologists.

Ellie: Well, that explains how you knew about me, Crash and Eddie playing dead to defend ourselves from the hawk.

Chris Kratt: Oh. (blushes) Guess you heard us the whole time you were doing it, huh?

Ellie: Yep. Every single word.

Twilight Sparkle: Well, whatever adventure we're having here, I'm sure it will be a good one.

Two-Tonne: I have to agree with Twilight. You know, I've had many adventures before but none like this.

Maisie Lockwood: Well, you're gonna have many more, Two-Tonne.

Ono: Uh, I think we're not the only ones here, guys. Look.

[Everyone looks to see a dwarf's head sticking out of a window with bars on it in a wagon]

Guard: Alright! This one's full! Take it away!

[A horse pulls the wagon away and the Irelanders see fairytale creatures being sold to a group of guards by people waiting in line]

Dwarfs: (singing)

Guards: Get up! Give me that! Your flying days are over!

Captain of the Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

Man: Get up! Come on!

[In the line of fairytale creatures yet to be sold, a gray donkey with a rope tied around his mouth watches as the witch is put into a wagon]

Guard: Sit down there! Be quiet!

Little Bear: (crying) This cage is so small!

Mushu: Oh my God! They're putting those poor creatures in wagons and cages!

Fluttershy: Oh, those poor animals! How could they?!

Rarity: (seeing a unicorn being put in a wagon) If they saw us, they'd shove us into that awful wagon as well.

Trixie: How dare they shove one of our kind into that awful box! It's just dreadful!

Starlight Glimmer: I agree! This isn't right.

Kion: But who is behind all this?

Sunset Shimmer: Beats me, Kion.

Capper: We have to find out what's going on here and why.

Paxton: Right now, let's watch what's going on.

Donkey: Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change! Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up! (slaps him)

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guard: Next! What have we got?

Geppeto: (putting Pinocchio down on the table) This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows indicating he's told a lie)

Captain of the Guard: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: (being carried away by a guard) Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

Captain of the Guard: Next! What have we got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Captain of the Guard: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings. If you can prove him.

Old Lady: (removing the rope from Donkey's mouth) Oh. Uh. Go ahead little fella.

[Donkey stays silent. The guards stare]

Captain of the Guard: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (to Donkey sternly) Talk, you boneheaded dolt!

Captain of the Guard: That's it. I've had enough. Guards.

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does! (holding Donkey's lips and moving them with her hand) "I can talk? Oh, I'd love to talk! I'm the talkinest damn thing you ever saw!"

[The guards stare at her before the captain finally loses his patience]

Captain of The Guard: Get her out of my sight!

Old Lady: No, no! I swear! (getting dragged away by the guards) Ow! He can talk!

[As the guards drag her away, the old lady kicks the cage containing a fairy from a boy dressed like Peter Pan's hands and it flies through the air. It lands on Donkey, sprinkling him with fairy dust and causing him to float into the air, much to his surprise and relief]

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Three Little Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guard: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha! (suddenly starts to descend as the fairy dust starts to wear off) Uh-oh!

[Donkey falls to ground, causing the Irelanders to cringe]

Irelanders: Ooh!

Captain of the Guard: Seize him!

Donkey: (panting)

Kim Possible: Over here! This way! Follow us!

[Donkey manages to shake off two guards who've grabbed him, dodges two more then leaps over to the Irelanders and they run off into the woods away from the guards]

Guards: After them! They're getting away!

Sid: Aaaaaaah!

[The heroes and Donkey running until they bump into Shrek who has been putting up a sign]

Irelanders and Donkey: (gasp as Shrek turns to them)

Guards: Get them! This way! Turn!

[Donkey and the Irelanders hide behind Shrek as the guards approach them]

Sid: Just pretend that we're not here.

[The guards stop upon seeing Shrek]

Captain of the Guard: You there! Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guard: (unrolling a scroll with a blue F on it) By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you all under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility?

Shrek: Oh, really? (leans forward) You and what army?

[The captain sees that his guards have gone and Donkey and the Irelanders smile at Shrek]

Captain of the Guard: (gasps and runs off)

Discord: Yeah! Run away you coward!

Donkey: (chuckles)

Ace: That takes care of them.

Shira: We were lucky we found that big green fella to protect us.

Connor Lacey: Yeah. We have to thank him for helping us.

Captain Jake: He's walking away, mateys. Look.

[Everyone looks to see Shrek walking away]

Donkey: Hey, can we say something to you? Listen, you was really, really something back there. Incredible.

Shrek: Are you talking to... (stops when he sees Donkey and the Irelanders have gone) Me? (turns and sees Donkey and the Irelanders in front of him) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, we was talking to you. Can we just tell you that you was really great back there, man. Those guard, they thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. See that? That... that really made us feel good to see that.

Elsa: Yeah. I mean, I could have dealt with them with my ice powers but you did a much better job.

Shrek: (sarcastically) Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Jiminy Cricket: I couldn't agree with you more. Those guards would have had you by now if that green fella hadn't shown up.

Shrek: Now, why don't you all go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? (walks away)

Donkey: But uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself.

Mewtwo: We will be your friends, little one.

Iago: Yeah. I mean, after all, we did just save you from those guards back there.

Donkey: Well, thanks. Hey, wait a minute, I got a great idea. We'll stick with you! (running up to Shrek with the Irelanders) You're a mean, green fighting machine. Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek: (breathes in and roars at Donkey and the Irelanders, making them jump but not scaring them off)

Donkey: Oh, wow. That was really scary.

Maisie Lockwood: I'll say. (whimpers)

Diego: Are you kidding me? I didn't even flinch.

Donkey: And if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done cause you really need some Tic-Tacs or something cause your breath stinks!

Rarity: I quite agree with you, darling. That breath of his smells absolutely dreadful.

Koki: I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Shrek continues walking when Donkey and the Irelanders appear in front of him from a tree above him]

Donkey: Man, you almost burnt the hair out of my nose. Just like the time... (Shrek covers his mouth for a split second before letting go) And then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had some strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Buck: I didn't quite understand all that but quite an interesting tale.

Mushu: If you ask me, he's just like Pinkie since they both talk too much.

Pinkie Pie: Hey, you're right. He does.

Caitlin: Well, you never know when to stop talking do you?

Pinkie Pie: Uh....

Caitlin: But then again, there are times when you do.

Shrek: Why are you all following me?

Donkey: We'll tell you why. (jumps down from the log with the Irelanders and starts singing) Cause I'm alone~

There's no one here beside me~

My problems have all gone~

There's no one to deride me~

But you've gotta have friends...~

Shrek: Stop singing!

Irelanders: What?

Shrek: (picking Donkey up by his ears and tail) Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends! (puts Donkey down)

Chris Kratt: Not true. Everyone can have friends with singing.

Martin Kratt: Yeah. And there are other ways besides it.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Applejack: Yep. Somepony say, me for example. Cause after all, honesty is my element of harmony.

Shrek: Listen, all of you. Take a look at me. What am I?

[Everyone looks at Shrek up and down]

Donkey: Uh... really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "grab your torch and pitchforks"! Doesn't that bother you lot?

Donkey and Irelanders: (shake their heads) Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey and Irelanders: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Connor Lacey: Plus, we've read about ogres in books but we never thought they were real.

Blythe Baxter: Yeah. I always thought ogres were mean, scary and ugly but you're nothing like that.

Chris Kratt: Looks like maybe ogres are really misunderstood creatures after all.

Donkey: Man, we like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh... Shrek.

Connor Lacey: Since introductions are in order, we might as well introduce ourselves too. I'm Connor Lacey.

Twilight Sparkle: My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Mewtwo: I am Mewtwo.

Lightning McQueen: I'm Lightning McQueen! Ka-chow!

Dusty Crophopper: Dusty. Dusty Crophopper.

Kim Possible: I'm Kim Possible.

Bob Parr/Mr Incredible: I'm Bob Parr. Otherwise known as Mr. Incredible!

Martin Kratt: I'm Martin Kratt.

Chris Kratt: I'm his brother, Chris Kratt.

Jiminy Cricket: Cricket's the name. Jiminy Cricket.

Aisling: I'm Aisling.

Sonic The Hedgehog: My name is Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog.

Iago: I'm Iago.

Captain Jake: Captain Jake of the Neverland Pirates.

Kion: I'm Kion. Leader of the Lion Guard.

Zazu: I'm Zazu. Royal majordomo to Simba, king of the Pride Lands.

Leo: I'm Leo.

Sunset Shimmer: I'm Sunset Shimmer.

Discord: I'm Discord. The Lord of Chaos.

Capper: Capper's the name, charming's my game.

Elsa: I'm Elsa, queen of Arendelle.

Korra: I'm Korra.

Mushu: I'm Mushu.

Raven Queen: I'm Raven Queen.

Blythe Baxter: I'm Blythe Baxter.

Maisie Lockwood: I'm Maisie Lockwood.

Bob: I'm Bob the Builder.

Manny: Manfred. Friends call me Manny.

Melody: I'm Melody.

Irelanders: We're the Irelanders.

Donkey: Nice to meet y'all. I'm Donkey. (to Shrek) Shrek? Well, you know what we like about you, Shrek? (follows Shrek with the Irelanders in tow) You've got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. We like that. We respect that, Shrek. You alright.

[They come to the top of the hill and look down at Shrek's home]

Donkey: Whoo. Look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Crash: Yeah. Besides, most creatures build their habitats in trees and other plants. It's nature.

Eddie: Like us possums.

Donkey: Oh, and it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. (looks at a boulder) I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

[The Irelanders and Donkey follow Shrek to his house and look around at his "Keep Out" and "Beware Ogre" signs]

Russel Ferguson: I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Rainbow Dash: Oh, come on, Shrek. Lighten up. What's your deal with having guests?

Shrek: That's for me to know and for you to find out. But if you stick around long enough, you will find out.

Rainbow Dash: Okay, sheesh.

Donkey: You know what? I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got somebody in your face, you try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big awkward silence you know...

[Everything falls silent as Shrek looks back at Donkey and the Irelanders]

Donkey: Can we stay with you?

Shrek: (stammers) What?

Donkey: Can we stay with you, please?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course.

Sid: Really?

Shrek: No.

Connor Lacey: Oh, come on!

Donkey: Please! We don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! (Shrek stares) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we've gotta stick together! You've gotta let us stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! (opening the door) But one night only.

Donkey: Oh. (heading inside with the Irelanders in tow) Thank you.

Shrek: Ah! What are you...? No! No!

Brooke: Nice place you've got here, Shrek.

Mater: Dadgum. I gotta admit, this is cool.

Chug: Oh, yeah. You could fit a whole plane in here.

Dusty Crophopper: (chuckles) Very true, Chug. Very true.

Donkey: Oh, this is gonna be fun! We can stay up late! Swapping manly stories and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

Shrek: (growls)

Paxton: Now, we better see if there's any guest rooms here.

Donkey: Where do, uh, we sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Stephen: What? But you can't just throw your guests outside. They need to be inside to stay for the night.

Shrek: I don't care! You're sleeping outside and that's final!

[The Irelanders went silenced by this]

Donkey: Oh, uh, I guess that's cool. I mean, we don't know you and you don't know us, so I guess outside is best, you know. (sniffs as he gets off the chair goes to the door with the Irelanders) Here we go. (exits the house with the Irelanders) Good night.

[Shrek slams the door behind them]

Sid: This is familiar now.

Wendy: How so?

Sid: Well, this is just like when The Irelanders and I met Manny.

Connor Lacey: Oh yeah. He was a real grouch and wants to be alone before we met him.

Manny: Yeah. But hey, look on the bright side, at least it's not raining this time.

Hiro: Well, I guess we will have to make the best of our single night here.

Diego: And besides, Shrek can learn to accept company ship in time just like Manny did.

Manny: Yeah, yeah, Diego. We get it.

Donkey: I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. Oh, well. Sitting by ourselves outside, I guess. You know, by ourselves outside. (sniffs) I'm all alone~

There's nobody here beside me~

[Shrek ignores them and heads into the house. Later that night, a cauldron boils over a fire as Shrek puts an eyeball in a glass of water and sips from it. He looks at the food on his table before looking at the door. He sighs and sits down. He then gets an idea and yanks a huge dollop of earwax out of his ear. He puts it on a bit of wood and lights it with a match, making it resemble a candle. Shrek then picks up a knife and fork and starts to eat. Donkey watches from the window before walking back to the Irelanders who are already fast asleep. He lays down and shuts his eyes, smiling happily. Then, just as Shrek is about to eat another bite of food, he hears the door opening. He sighs, puts the cutlery down and walks to the door]

Shrek: I thought I told you all to stay outside!

Donkey: We are outside!

Scoop: Yeah! We haven't moved an inch!

[Shrek then hears a rattling noise behind him and sees a shadow of a mouse moving across the wall. He goes back to the table to investigate as another mouse shadow moves behind him. He looks under the table but sees nothing. Then as he looks on top of it, he finds three mice wearing sunglasses and carrying walking sticks walking on it, much to his shock]

First Blind Mouse: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm but what choice do we have?

Second Blind Mouse: Well, it's not home but it'll do just fine.

Third Blind Mouse: (bouncing on the half eaten slug) What a lovely bed.

Shrek: (grabbing him) Gotcha!

Third Blind Mouse: (sniffs at Shrek's ear) I've found some cheese! (bites it)

Shrek: Ah! (swipes at him)

Third Blind Mouse: Bleuh! Awful stuff!

[He jumps off Shrek's shoulder and lands on a spoon, launching brown liquid into Shrek's face]

Shrek: Ugh!

First Blind Mouse: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! (grabs the three mice) What are you doing in my house?! (gets hit in the back by Snow White's glass coffin) Hey!

[Shrek sees the Seven Dwarves behind him. One of them waves]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh?

[Shrek moves a curtain aside and there, sleeping in his bed, is the Big Bad Wolf]

Shrek: (gasps)

Big Bad Wolf: What?

Shrek: (carrying Wolf to the door) I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? (throws Wolf outside) Oh, no.

[Outside, there are dozens of fairytale creatures taking refuge in the swamp, much to Shrek's utter horror]

Shrek: No! (dodges a witch) No!

Witches: (cackling)

Girl: Don't push.

[Shrek looks around at the dozens of fairytale creatures surrounding his home with some of the Irelanders trying to comfort them over their loss]

Shrek: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?! (echoes)

Everyone: (gasp)

Fairies: (talk over each other as they hide in a tent)

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

[Some dwarves and some fairies run and fly into Shrek's house]

Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

[They lock the door. Shrek yanks on it but it won't open. He sighs and turns to Donkey and the Irelanders]

Donkey: Hey, don't look at us! We didn't invite them!

Dora The Explorer: Si. They all just came here on their own.

Pinocchio: Well, gosh. No one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

First Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice.

Fluttershy: Oh, you poor things.

Connor Lacey: So Lord Farquaad was the one behind the fairytale creature sale in the first place.

Mewtwo: Yes. Now we know who was behind all that trouble to begin with.

Penny Ling: Why did he even want them sold anyway?

Paxton: Maybe because he must have hated them just like Frollo hates gypsies.

Gavin: You could be right, Pax.

Shrek: (sighs) Alright. (to the Fairytale Creatures) Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

[There's silence]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?

[The baby bear raises his paw but the father bear stops him. Wolf and a wizard point at each other]

Shrek: Anyone at all?

Donkey: (bouncing up and down) Me, me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: (still bouncing) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: (sighs) Okay! Fine! (to the Fairytale Creatures) Attention, all fairytale things! Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm going to see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

Fairy Tale Characters: (cheering)

[A flock of white doves drop a flowery cape on Shrek's back]

Shrek: Oh! (pointing to Donkey and the Irelanders) You lot! You're all coming with me.

Connor Lacey: That's the spirit, Shrek! Let's go find Farquaad and give him a piece of our minds!

Irelanders: Okay, Connor!

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure along with a bunch of other characters. I love it!

Zazu: Look out, Farquaad! Here we come!

[Shrek grabs a torch from a dwarf and the heroes walk across a log bridge over the river]

Donkey: On the road again~ Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again~

Shrek: (grabbing Donkey's flower crown in annoyance) What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Well, can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Well can I hum it?

Shrek: Alright, hum it.

Donkey: (humming On the Road Again)

[The heroes head on into the night. Elsewhere, a gloved hand slams a cup down on a table. A pair of red boots walk across a corridor while a figure in a hood pours milk into the cup. A hand pulls on a glove as the towering figure of Lord Farquaad walks through the corridor smirking evilly. He approaches two knights standing in front of a big door. They stand to attention and move to let him pass. Lord Farquaad pushes the doors open and enters the dungeon. He watches the hooded figure dunking a smaller figure into the milk]

Gingy: (gurgling) No!

Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

Gingy: (coughing)

[The hooded figure slaps Gingy down on a tray as he continues to cough. Lord Farquaad walks up to the table laughing evilly. Seeing that the table is too high, he clears his throat and the table is lowered. He then brings out Gingy's broken legs and starts playing with them]

Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!

Gingy: You're a monster!

Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: (coming out of the shadows) Oh, please. Lord Farquaad's not the monster here, you are!

Lord Farquaad: (throws one of Gingy's legs onto the tray) She's correct. You and the rest of that (crushing Gingy's other leg in his hand) fairytale trash poisoning my perfect world. Now tell us, where are the others?!

Cozy Glow: Gingy, could you pweeeease—?

Queen Chrysalis: Threats are more my speed. Speak!

Gingy: Eat me! (spits in Farquaad's face)

Lord Farquaad: (grunts and wipes the spit off) We've tried to be fair to you creatures but now our patience has reached it's end! Tell us! Or I'll...! (begins yanking on one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

Gingy: No! Not the buttons! (Farquaad stops) Not my gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad: Alright then! (lowering a light over Gingy) Who's hiding them?!

Gingy: (sitting up) Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?

Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?

Gingy: The Muffin Man.

Lord Farquaad: Yes. We know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Dury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.

Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?!

Gingy: The Muffin Man!

Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man.

Janja: Ugh, this is getting us nowhere!

Reirei: Tell me about it. What he's saying doesn't even make any sense!

[Just then, the door bursts open and the captain comes in]

Captain of the Guard: My lords and ladyships. We found it.

Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: Finally.

Lord Farquaad: Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

[The captain brings in a covered object and hangs it on a hook. He then removes the cover revealing a mirror. Everyone gathers around it as the mirror gains a white mask like face]

Thelonius: (gasp)

Gingy: (awed gasp)

Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror...

Gingy: Don't tell them anything!

Conrad: Oh, be quiet, you!

[He pushes Gingy into the bin]

Gingy: No!

Robbie Rotten: (sighs) Hopefully I'II get to eat him later on to shut him up.

Paisley Paver: Perhaps so, Robbie but right now let's just focus on getting some answers.

Lord Farquaad: Evening. (walks up to the mirror) Mirror, Mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.

Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius?

[Thelonius picks up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist]

Tirek: This centaur could destroy you before you blink, so choose your words carefully.

Lord Farquaad: You were saying?

Magi Mirror: What I mean is, uh, you're not a king yet. Heh. But... but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Soto: (in Scar's live action voice) Is that so?

Magic Mirror: (chuckles) So, just sit back and relax, my lords and ladyships, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

Guards: (all talking over each other)

Lord Farquaad: (struggling to decide which princess to pick)

Thelonius: Three! Pick number 3, my lord!

Lord Farquaad: Okay! Okay! Uh, number 3!

Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[The song If You Like Pinyacaltas plays in the background as the guards and Thelonius cheer]

Thelonius: (laughs whilst clapping)

Judge Claude Frollo: Well, that went really well, didn't it?

Ronno: You said it, judge.

Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is find someone who could go...

Magic Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Lord Farquaad: I'll do it.

Magic Mirror: Yes, but after sunset...

Lord Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! (clicking his fingers) Captain, assemble your finest men! We're going to have a tournament! (to the villains) As for you, I'm afraid you can't make any appearances. We do not want those characters you told me about finding out you're here, at least for now.

Kiburi: You got it, your lordship.

Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: When you become king, my stepson won't know what bit him.

[Meanwhile, Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders emerge from a sunflower field in a horse cart parking lot]

Donkey: Well, that's it. That's it. Right there. That's Duloc. I told you I'd find it.

Frozone/Lucius Best: Well, I never doubted you for a second.

Leo (Bob the Builder): Well, at least he got us here.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-uh. That's the place.

Vinnie Terrio: Man, that's one tall building.

Connor Lacey: Tell me about it. It must've cost Farquaad a fortune to have that built.

Shrek: I don't know about you, Connor, but do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (chuckles)

[Shrek walks on further with the Irelanders following. Donkey stays put for a moment before running to catch up with them]

Donkey: Hey, wait! Wait up, guys.

[The heroes walk up to the entrance where a man wearing giant Farquaad head stands ushering people inside]

Shrek: Hey, you!

Man: (screams and runs off)

Shrek: Wait a second! Look, I'm not gonna eat you! I just... uh, look, I just... (sighs)

Man: (screaming)

[Shrek and the heroes walk on, Shrek knocking over the bars with ropes on them as he goes. The man with the Farquaad head runs into a wall and falls on his back, knocking himself out. Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders stare at him for a moment before Shrek and some of the Irelanders with two legs push their way one at a time through some metal bars. They hear the bars turn and see Donkey has gotten himself stuck on one of them. He presses down on the bar and the bars spin, throwing him off]

Donkey: Heh.

Starlight Glimmer: (struggling to push a bar down) Boy this isn't as easy for us ponies.

Discord: Perhaps if I could.....

[He snap his eagle claw and transport them to the other side]

Zoe Trent: Well, that was unexpected but it made a much easier option.

Discord: You're welcome.

Shrek: (sighs)

[They walk into Duloc but there is no one around apart from silent music playing on speakers. The heroes look around]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

Lofty: Maybe they're doing something else.

Mage Meadowbrook: Or it could be a trap.

Kim Possible: Yeah. Traps always start with being quiet.

Donkey: (seeing an information booth and running up to it) Hey, look at this!

[Donkey yanks a golden lever with his teeth. The booth starts ticking and he hides behind Shrek and the Irelanders. The ticking gets faster and the doors swing open revealing the Duloc Dolls as the song Welcome To Duloc starts playing]

Duloc Dolls: Welcome to Duloc~

Such a perfect town~

Here we have some rules~

Let us lay them down~

Don't make waves, stay in line~

And we'll get along fine~

Duloc is a perfect place~

Please keep off of the grass~

Shine your shoes, wipe your face~

Duloc is, Duloc is~

Duloc is a perfect place~

[The doors shut and the booth takes the heroes' photo. The photo slides out, showing the heroes' confused faces and the words Welcome To Duloc underneath]

Pinkie Pie: What just happened?

Muck: Don't ask me.

June: But you've gotta admit that was a nice song.

Iago: Yeah. And the photo looks nice.

Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again.

Shrek: No! No! (grabbing Donkey by the tail and yanking him back) No, no, no! No.

Manny: Wait, is it me or can I hear trumpets?

Connor Lacey: It's coming from over there.

[They look in the direction of the trumpet playing]

Lord Farquaad: Brave knights...

[The heroes walk through a tunnel towards an arena, Donkey humming the whole time]

Donkey: (humming Welcome to Duloc)

Shrek: (turning to him in annoyance) Alright, you're going the right way for a smack bottom.

Donkey: Sorry about that.

[There's cheering and applause as they enter the arena]

Lord Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor. No, no, the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the Dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

[The crowd cheers as a man holds up a sign which says Applause]

Lord Farquaad: Let the tournament begin!

[Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders walk forward and the knights turn and spot them then move to let them pass]

Guards: (gasp)

Lord Farquaad: What is that?

Crowd: (gasp)

Lord Farquaad: Oh, it's hideous!

Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. (looks at Donkey and the Irelanders) It's just a donkey and a bunch of other weird characters.

Donkey: Huh?

Irelanders: What?

Lord Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre (the heroes gasp at this) will be named champion! Have at him!

Crowd: Get him! Kill him!

Shrek: (backing away from the knights) Oh, hey, now come on. Hang on now.

Connor Lacey: We can talk about this.

[Shrek backs into a table with cups on it and picks one up]

Woman: Go ahead! Get him!

Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Crowd: Kill the beast!

Shrek: No? Alright then. (guzzles some beer from the cup then steps over to a barrel) Come on!

[Shrek smashes the handle on the barrel with the cup, causing a jet of beer to spray out, knocking the knights over. The song Bad Reputation plays in the background as an all out arena battle starts. Donkey gets up on a barrel and rolls it over two knights, flattening them. Lord Farquaad watches in disbelief. Knights run towards Shrek but Donkey knocks a few of them over with the barrel. Two knights chase Shrek into a pen which two horses gallop out of when they see Shrek coming. Shrek pushes against the ropes and flings himself at the knights, knocking them over. The crowd gasps and suddenly begin to cheer Shrek on. Shrek jumps on another knight and then belly flops another. A knight points a spear at Shrek, making the crowd gasp until Shrek grabs the spear from him and picks him up]

Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Tag me! Tag me!

[Shrek carries the knight over to Donkey. Donkey head-butts the knight, knocking him out. The crowd cheers as Shrek takes in their applause laughing and striking a pose]

Shrek: (laughs) Yah!

[Seeing a knight behind him, Shrek jumps and lands on the knight, knocking him down]

Woman: The chair! Give him the chair!

[Shrek hits the knight with a chair, knocking him out. Farquaad face-palms in dismay. Shrek then throws a knight into the ropes and strikes him with his legs. He then grabs another knight and flips him over. He pins another knight down then bangs another's head on the ground before spinning the final one and throwing him into one of the fence posts. Donkey then kicks the final knight, knocking him out. The crowd goes wild as Farquaad seems impressed]

Crowd: (cheering)

Shrek: (laughs) Oh, yeah! (growls while flexing his muscles) Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday! Try the Beal! (laughs)

[Farquaad singles to the guards who point crossbows at the heroes, much to the crowd's horror]

Iago: I thought our side won!

Koki: Well, clearly, he's not ready to quit yet!

Guard: Shall I give the order, sir?

Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champions!

Crowd: (cheering)

Shrek: What?

Irelanders: Huh?

Lord Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre and friends. You've all won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Shrek: Quest? We're already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

Lord Farquaad: Your swamp?

Shrek: Yeah! My swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures!

Fluttershy: And what you did to them was very mean!

Connor Lacey: Yeah! You had no right to have them sold like that the other day!

Sid: An excellent point.

Manny: Shut up!

Lord Farquaad: Indeed. Alright, ogre and friends. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest from and I'll give you your swamp back.

Shrek: Exactly the way it was?

Lord Farquaad: Down to the last slime covered toadstool.

Mewtwo: And the squatters?

Lord Farquaad: As good as gone, physic clone Pokémon.

[There's silence as Shrek begins to take Farquaad's words into consideration while the guards look at each other in confusion]

Shrek: What kind of quest?

[Later, the heroes are walking back through the sunflower field]

Donkey: So let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Ace: Oh, come on, Shrek. It's not that bad. It's nice to chat every so often. Even to donkeys.

Apple White: Yeah. So stop being such a grouch and let Donkey talk if he wants to.

Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him. Lay siege to his fortress. Grind his bones to make your bread. You know, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.

Violet Parr: That sounds a bit gruesome if you ask me.

Jimmy Z: Tell me about it. It gives me the chills just to think about it. [shudders]

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, uh, ogres are (shows an onion to Donkey and the Irelanders) like onions.

Donkey: (sniffs and recoils in disgust) They stink?

Shrek: Yes... (realizing his mistake) No.

Donkey: Or they make you cry?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs.

Shrek: No! Layers. (taking a small piece of the onion out and throwing it away) Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it. We both have layers. (throws the onion on the ground and walks away sighing)

Chris Kratt: Well, that's one fact about ogres that no one even knows about.

Martin Kratt: That's true, bro.

Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Huh. (sniffs at the onion and recoils in disgust) You know, not everybody likes onions.

Pinkie Pie: I know! Cake! (galloping up to Shrek) Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!

Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. (walks away again)

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person and said "Hey. Let's get some parfaits." and they say "Hey, I don't like no parfaits."? Parfaits are delicious.

Shrek: NO! You dence, irritating miniature beast of burden. Ogres are like onions, end of story. Bye-bye. See you later. (walks away again)

[Donkey stays put for a moment before heading to catch up with Shrek and the Irelanders]

Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Manny: Now I can see that you and I have so much in common with Donkey and Sid.

Sid: Well, I think he's stressed and that's why he eat so much. I mean, it's hard to get fat on a vegan diet.

Shrek: I'm not fat. It's my clothes. They make me look poofy.

Manny: Just like my fur which makes me look big. I often said that to people when they think I'm fat too.

Sid: Alright, you have fat clothes, but when you're ready to talk, we're here.

Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? Cause I'm making a mess. Just the word parfaits made me start slobbering.

[The song I'm On My Way starts playing as the heroes make their journey towards the Dragon's Keep. On a hill, Donkey stops to kick something off before following Shrek and the Irelanders. The heroes then walk through a valley of flowers with tall rocks that night before making a camp fire and falling asleep. The next morning, Shrek tries to put out the fire with his foot but ends up burning it. Donkey pees on the fire, putting it out before the heroes carry on. They then arrive at the rocky peek overlooking a tall craggy mountain with clouds swirling above it. The heroes then make their way up the mountain as the song ends. Later, as the heroes are nearing the top, Donkey stops and waves off a nasty smell with his hoof]

Donkey: Ooh, Shrek! Did you do that?

Dizzy: Do what?

Donkey: He just needed to pass gas! (to Shrek) Man, you've gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead!

Bunga: Yeah. Besides, my odor isn't as strong as his.

Buck: The honey badger's got a point. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

Connor Lacey: Good solving skills there, Buck. We're almost there.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone, weasel. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

[The heroes climb to the top of the ridge and look over the edge. They sees a bridge spanning over boiling lava to the castle which is missing some of it's spires and the tallest spire reaching up to the sky which a small slight emitting from it while birds fly around it and lightning flashes]

Irelanders: Whoa.

Shrek: Sure, it's big enough. But look at the location. (laughs while climbing down the over side)

Donkey: Uh, Shrek, uh, um, remember when you said that... that... that ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye.

Donkey: (jumping down onto the ground) Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We... we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Mushu: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Donkey: You know what I mean.

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell us you're afraid of heights.

Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava.

Sunil Nevla: I'm not going out onto that bridge. I'II fall into the lava.

Shrek: Come on, Sunil, we're right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: Really, really.

Donkey: Okay. That makes us feel so much better.

Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.

Hiro: Single file, everyone.

Roley: Okay, Hiro.

Donkey: Okay. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving and don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving and don't look down.

[Just then, Donkey steps on a board too hard and it breaks causing Donkey to look down as it falls towards the lava]

Donkey: (gasps) Shrek! I'm looking down! (screams) Oh, God! I can't do this! Just let me off right now please!

Stephen: But you're already half way!

Donkey: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!

Shrek: Okay! Fine! We don't have time for this! You go back!

Donkey: Shrek! No! Wait!

Shrek: Just, Donkey... Come on! Let's have a dance then shall we?

Irelanders: Shrek! Don't do that!

[Shrek stops shaking the bridge]

Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? (realizes what they're talking about) Oh. (shakes the bridge again) This?

Donkey: Yes! That!