The Ultimate Hero Alliance Meets Shrek/Transcript

This is the transcript for The Ultimate Hero Alliance Meets Shrek.

Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen.

[All The Ultimate Hero Alliance teleport to Shrek's swamp]

Jewel Sparkles: Eww it stinks here!

Peanut Big Top: Yeah!

Rarity: Very disgusting!

Bumblebee: Guys, what is that green thing coming out of the swamp?

Cliffjumper: Looks like a...

Mittens Fluff N Stuff, Applejack, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie: MONSTER!!!

All The Ultimate Hero Alliance: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Shrek: [comes out of the swamp] Hi my name is Shrek!

Lightning McQueen: Hi my name is Lightning McQueen!

[Shrek notices the rest of the Ultimate Hero Alliance cowering in fear]

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Don't hurt me please!!

Pillow Featherbed: Or me!

Fluttershy: We're innocent!

Shrek: Hey, it's alright! I'm not gonna hurt any of you. You know what they say, never judge a book by it's cover.

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Oh okay. My name is Bea Spells-a-Lot.

Pillow Feaherbed: I'm Pillow Featherbed!

Jewel Sparkles: I'm Jewel Sparkles!

Spot Splatter Splash: I'm Spot Splatter Splash!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: I'm Mittens Fluff and Stuff!

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: I'm Crumbs Sugar Cookie!

Peanut Big Top: I'm Peanut Big Top!

Dot Starlight: I'm Dot Starlight!

Rose Bumps N Bruises: I'm Rose Bumps N Bruises!

Specs Reads-a-Lot: I'm Specs Reads-a-Lot!

Blanket Featherbed: I'm Blanket Featherbed!

Trinket Sparkles: I'm Trinket Sparkles!

Scribbles Splash: I'm Scribbles Splash!

Bundles Snuggle Stuff: I'm Bundles Snuggle Stuff!

Sprinkle Spice Cookie: I'm Sprinkle Spice Cookie!

Squirt Little Top: I'm Squirt Little Top!

Stumbles Bumps N Bruises: I'm Stumbles Bumps N Bruises!

Wheeljack: I'm Wheeljack!

Smokescreen: I'm Smokescreen!

Bumblebee: I'm Bumblebee!

Arcee: I'm Arcee!

Cliffjumper: I'm Cliffjumper!

Ratchet: I'm Ratchet!

Springer: I'm Springer!

Jazz: I'm Jazz!

Kup: I'm Kup!

Twilight Sparkle: I'm Twilight Sparkle!

Applejack: I'm Applejack!

Pinkie Pie: I'm Pinkie Pie!

Fluttershy: I'm Fluttershy!

Rainbow Dash: I'm Rainbow Dash

Rarity: I'm Rarity!

Spike: I'm Spike!

[The introductions]

Spot Splatter Splash: So Shrek are you an nice ogre?

Bea Spells-a-Lot: He is too Spot!!

Shrek: Yes, i'm a nice ogre! Though, most people tend to judge me before they even know me.

Jewel Sparkles: Are you married to a princess? I'm excited to know!!!

Trinket Sparkles: Me too!!

Shrek: Well, not at the moment. You see right now, I'm single. Alone. [sees a mob with pitchforks and torches coming] Oh, no. [to the UHA] Watch this.

Kup: This going to be awesome!

Jazz: Indeed!

Peanut Big Top: Exciting too!

[Shrek heads off. The mob look at his tree stump house]

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Awesome tree stump house!!

[Shrek scares the mob away]

Bundles Snuggle Stuff: Awesome!!

Scribbles Splash: Yes!

Shrek: [sees a wanted poster for Fairytale Creatures] Wanted Fairytale Creatures. [to the UHA] Come on, you can all sleep here tonight. But no loud snoring.

Pillow Featherbed: Sounds good!

Dot Starlight: We won't snore we promise!

[They head in. The next morning at a fairytale creature sale]

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: Yay this fairytale creature sale is awesome!!!

Bea Spells-a-Lot: It sure is Crumbs!

[They see a talking Donkey named Donkey]

Peanut Big Top: Omg! A talking Donkey!! *laughs out loud*

[Donkey introduces himself to the UHA]

Donkey: Hi there! I'm Donkey!

[All the UHA introduce themselves]

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Hi i'm Bea Spells-a-Lot!

Pillow Featherbed: Hi there! I'm Pillow Featherbed!

Jewel Sparkles: Hello! I'm Jewel Sparkles!

Spot Splatter Splash: Hi'ya I'm Spot Splatter Splash!

[After the UHA introduced themselves]

Donkey: So, should we look around the fairytale creature sale?

Jazz: Sure!

[Shrek, Donkey, and UHA all look around and saw lots of fairytale creatures including a witch and a baby bear in a cage]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!

Captain: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Jewel Sparkles: Oh my god that guard took the witch's broom!

Captain: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Baby Bear: (crying) This cage is too small!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: That poor baby bear!

Donkey: I know. A grumpy old woman tried to sell me to Farquaad's men.

Rose Bumps N Bruises: Oh my gosh!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

[Then Shrek, Donkey, and the UHA saw Pinocchio getting sold]

Captain: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Spot Splatter Splash: Oh my.

Captain: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Jewel Sparkles: What???

Smokescreen: She's trying to take Donkey away?

Specs Reads-a-Lot: I hope not.

Captain: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-

Peanut Big Top: Did she call Donkey a boneheaded dolt?

Squirt Little Top: Yes she did!

Trinket Sparkles: She's a grouchy lady.

Captain: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest darn thing you ever saw.

Captain: Get her out of my sight.

Bea Spells-a-Lot: *laughs out loud* The guards are taking her away!

Old Lady: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

[A cage with a fairy inside flies]

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Scribbles Splash: He can fly!

Sprinkle Spice Cookie: He can fly!

Captain: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Bundles Snuggle Stuff: Oh no!

[Donkey falls and lands on the ground]

Captain: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Dot Starlight: Donkey look out!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Don't let the guards catch you!

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

[The UHA and Donkey hide behind Shrek just as the guards arrive]

Captain: You there. Ogre!

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: Oh my god! Stay away from the ogre!!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place all of you under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Blanket Featherbed: Uh oh.

Ratchet: This is not good!

Lightning McQueen: Not good at all.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

Jewel Sparkles: Yeah really?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Bob the Builder: That showed them.

Rose Bumps N Bruises: Yeah! *laughs out loud*

[Shrek and the UHA head off and Donkey follows]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Stumbles Bumps N Bruises: Yeah very great.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Pillow Featherbed: That's right me, Shrek, and the UHA have other stuff to do.

[They head off]

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek: [Roaring]

Spot Splatter Splash: Awesome roar!

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Peanut Big Top: Ewwwwwww!

Shrek: Why are you following us?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Rose Bumps N Bruises: Yeah stop that singing now!

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Specs Reads-a-Lot: Yeah really? Does that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Duh his name is Shrek!

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Spot Splatter Splash: Yes! Shrek needs his privacy sometimes.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: What's the magic word?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Yup Shrek means no!

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Jewel Sparkles: Yeah really!

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No! No!

Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up lat, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Yeah sleep outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪

[Bubbling]

[Sighs]

[Creaking]

Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside.

Donkey: I am outside.

[Clattering]

[Clattering]

Blind Mouse 1: Well, gents it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Blind Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya.

Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.

[The other two blind mice came to see what was going on]

Blind Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!

[The UHA came to see what was going on]

[Snickers]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

[Suddenly a coffin containing Snow White pushes against Shrek]

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek and UHA: Huh? [Gasps]

Wolf: What?

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Dot Starlight: Yeah what does Shrek need to do to get a little privacy?

Wolf: Aah!

Shrek: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!

[Cackling]

[Cackling Continues]

Shrek: What?

Girl: Quit it. Don't push.

[Squeaking]

[Lows]

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasping]

Fairies: Oh, dear!

Dwarf: Whoa!

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Blanket Featherbed: Yeah listen to Shrek!

Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!

Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

Arcee: Yeah not there!

Dwarf: Oh!

[Sighs]

Donkey: Hey, look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

Pillow Feaherbed: I want to know!

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.

Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

Scribbles Splash: Yeah like seriously.

[Murmuring]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

Donkey: Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Cheering]

[Twittering]

[Cheering Continues]

Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with us.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.

Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!

Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Yeah really! What did Shrek tell you about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right, hum it.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Grunts]

[Whimpering]

Farquaad: That's enough. He's ready to talk.

[Coughing]

Farquaad:  [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Peanut Big Top: What is Farquaad doing to that gingerbread man?

Rose Bumps 'N' Bruises: I don't know Peanut.

Gingy: You're a monster.

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me!

[Grunts]

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll--

Gingy: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

[Door Opens]

Captain: My lord! We found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Man Grunting]

[Gasping]

Gingy: Oh!

Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror--

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No! [Gingerbread Man Whimpers]

Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect king of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?

Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?

Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!

Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪

Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]

Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek and UHA.

Scoop: Come along Donkey!

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Shrek: Hey, you!

[Screams]

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--

[Whimpering]

[Sighs]

[Whimpering, Groans]

[Turnstile Clatters]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Instrumental Music]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Creaking]

Shrek: Where is everybody?

Blossom Flowerpot: I'm not sure.

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clicking Quickens]

Duloc dolls: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪

[Camera Shutter Clicks]

[Whirring]

Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.

Sunny Side Up: That's right Shrek means no!

[Trumpet Fanfare]

[Crowd Cheering]

Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.

[Donkey Humming]

Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--

Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Berry Jars N Jam: Yeah!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: I agree!

Donkey: Sorry about that.

[Cheering]

Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

[Cheering]

Farquaad: Let the tournament begin!

[Gasps]

Knight 1: Oh!

Farquaad: What is that?

[Gasping]

Farquaad: It's hideous!

Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

Tippy Tumblelina: Yeah it's not nice!

Donkey: Huh?

Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

Knight 2: Get him!

Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

Bea Spells-a-Lot: Yeah hang on!

Woman: Go ahead! Get him!

Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Ratchet: Yes can't we just settle this over a pint?

Knight 3: Kill the beast!

Shrek: No? All right then. Come on!

[♪ Bad Reputation By Halfcocked Playing]

Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a darn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪

Knight 4: Darn!

[Whinnying]

Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a darn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪

Donkey: Hey, Shrek, UHA, tag me! Tag me!

Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a darn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪

Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]

Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪

Shrek: Yeah!

Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪

Woman: The chair! Give him the chair!

Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a darn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪

[Bell Dings]

[Cheering]

Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

[Shrek Laughs]

[The UHA Laughs]

[Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]

Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?

Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!

Shrek: What?

Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

Farquaad: Your swamp?

Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: Yeah where did you dump them?

[Crowd Murmuring]

Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Shrek: Exactly the way it was?

Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

Shrek: And the squatters?

Farquaad: As good as gone.

Shrek: What kind of quest?

Jewel Sparkles: Yeah what kind?

Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Yeah donkeys should not talk!

Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek and UHA. Why don't you guys just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.

Bundles Snuggle Stuff: Yeah they are like onions.

Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?

Shrek: Yes-- No!

Dot Starlight: Absolutely not! Ogres don't stink!

Donkey: They make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]

Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

Crumbs Sugar Cookie: Yeah ogres are not cakes! Even though cake is yummy.

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait?" Parfaits are delicious.

Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Peanut Big Top: *laughs out loud*

Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole darn planet.

Shrek: You know what, I think preferred your humming.

Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

Rose Bumps 'N' Bruises: Oh my god!

[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]

The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪

Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! UHA! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't not brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either.

[Rumbling]

Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]

All The Ultimate Hero Alliance: [Laughs]

Donkey: Uh, Shrek? Uh, UHA? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye.

Springer: I do too!

Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Donkey: You know what I mean.

Buzz Lightyear: Uh okay?

Rainbow Dash: Yeah really!

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!

Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

Peanut Big Top: Yeah one baby step at a time.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: Really, really.

Pinkie Pie: Yeah really!

Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.

Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!

Shrek: But you're already halfway.

Spot Splatter Splash: Yeah!

Donkey: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!

Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

Rose Bumps N Bruises: Yeah I don't have time for this either. Come on UHA!

Donkey: Shrek, UHA, no! Wait!

Shrek: Just, Donkey-- Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?

Tippy Tumblelina: I love dancing!

Donkey: Don't do that!

Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?

Donkey: Yes, that!

Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

Shrek: You said do it! I'm doin' it.

Applejack: Yeah you said do it and Shrek did it!

Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Thomas the Tank Engine: That's right!

Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

[Water Dripping]

[Wind Howling]

Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?

Shrek: No, but-- Shh.

Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]

Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.

Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?

Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Bea Spells-a-Lot and Specs Reads-a-Lot: Awesome!!

Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.

[Creaking]

Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.

Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--

Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps]

[Roars]

Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams]

All The Ultimate Hero Alliance: [Screams]

[Screams]

[Whimpering]

Shrek: Got ya!

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: *laughs out loud*

[Roars]

[Gasps]

Shrek and The UHA: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]

Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping]

[Growls]

Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.

[Growls]

Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! UHA! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! UHA! UHA! UHA!

[Groans, Sighs]

♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]

♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]

Shrek: [goes to Fiona's room]

Fiona: Oh! Oh!

Shrek in Armor: Wake up!

Fiona: What?

Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?

Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Jewel Sparkles: [to the UHA] Told ya so!

Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

Fiona: But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

Shrek in Amror: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.

Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?

Shrek: Um, Shrek.

Blossom Flowerpot: He is definitely Shrek.

Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

Shrek in Armor: Thanks!

[Roaring]

Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!

Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!

Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

Fiona: That's not the point. Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my butt.

Fiona: What kind of Knight are you?

Shrek in Armor: One of a kind.

Twilight Sparkle: Um... yeah... he's... one of a kind.

Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned, you know. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!

[Growls]

[Roars]

[Roaring]

[Gasps]

Mittens Fluff N Stuff: Is that a princess?

Rarity: I think your right Mittens Fluff N Stuff!

Donkey: Hi, Princess!

Fiona: It talks!

Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

Spot Splatter Splash, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy: *laughs out loud*

Donkey: Shrek! UHA! [Screams] [Screaming]

Shrek: Oh!

[Thuds]

[Groans]

[Shrek Groans]

[Roars]

[Roars]

[Roaring]

[Roars]

Peanut Big Top: What do we do now, Shrek?!

Shrek: I don't know Peanut Big Top. Okay, you two! Head for the exit! The UHA and I will take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run!

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

[Screams]

[Roars]

[Panting, Sighs]

[Whimpers]

[Roars]

[Roars, Whimpers]

[Dragon Growling In The Distance]

Fiona: You and the UHA did it! You and the UHA rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

[Clears Throat]

Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?

Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.

Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.

Rainbow Dash: [groans]

Fiona: Why not?

Shrek in Armor:  I have helmet hair.

Jewel Sparkles: Helmet hair?

Fiona: Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer.

Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't-- 'st.

Fiona: But how will you kiss me?

Shrek in Amor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.

Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.

Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

Sunny Side Up: Fiona's right! It's destiny.

Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?

Fiona: Well, yes.

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!

Fiona: What is so funny?

Smokescreen: Yeah what's so funny?

Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.

Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

Fiona: Just take off the helmet.

Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.

Fiona: Take it off.

Shrek in Amror: No!

Fiona: Now!

Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.

Fiona: You-- You're a-- an ogre.

Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.

Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you.

Fiona: Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me?

Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

Berry Jars N Jam: Yes a very good question princess.

Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his-- his pet.

Donkey: So much for noble steed.

Shrek: Look, Princess. You're not making my job any easier.

Pinkie Pie: That's right our job is not going easier at the moment.

Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.

Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!