This is the transcript for the episode Fake Bro/Mario and Joliet.
Intro (The Plumber Rap: Part 1)[]
Mario: Hey, paisanos! It's the Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
[theme song]
[Singers]
We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game
We're not like the others who get all the fame
If your sink is in trouble, you can call us on the double
We're faster than the others, you'll be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
H-hooked on the brothers
Gimme gimme, gimme gimme
Yo, you're in for a treat, so hang on to your seat
Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats
You'll meet Koopa, the Troopas, the Princess and the others
Hanging with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
To the bridge!
Uh, uh!
I said-a h-h-h-h-hooked on the brothers!
The brothers!
The brothers!
Mario [voice-over]: This episode is brought to you by Domino's Pizza. Nobody delivers better!
Fake Bro: Part 1[]
[instrumental music]
Mario: Wrench.
Luigi: Wrench.
Mario: Screwdriver.
Luigi: Screwdriver.
Mario: Rag.
Luigi: Rag. Ooh. Sorry, Clog. Rag.
Mario: Stranger.
Luigi: Stranger. Str-stranger?
Mario: Who are you?
Pietro: Someone from the past. You don't remember me?
Luigi: Are you kidding?
Pietro: Come on. Mario, Mario. Come on, Luigi. You don't recognize me? You don't see the family resemblance?
Mario: Family?
Pietro: I'm the son no one ever mentioned, for fear of bringing grief, to our dear Mama. I'm your long-lost brother, Pietro.
(Scene fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Super Mario Bros. Super Show will return.
Mario [voice-over]: Now back to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
The Plumber Rap: Part 2[]
[instrumental music]
Here we go, yo!
It's the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's their game
Found the secret warp zone while working on the drain
Lend the Princess a hand in the Mushroom Land
Join the action with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
Now, evil Koopa and his Troopas are up to misbehaving
They kidnapped the Princess; Mushroom Land needs saving
Amusing and confusing, everybody discovers
They can't help but be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
Mario and Joliet[]
(The episode opens to a 15th century town.)
Mario: (narrating) Plumber's Log, number 1601. We arrived in the Land of Romance, only things weren't quite so lovey-dovey as usual. We were answering a call for help from a friend of Princess Toadstool. But right now, we were the ones who needed help.
Luigi: Looks like we landed in the middle of a feud!
(Beezos fly overhead.)
Mario: Beezos! Jump for it!
(They run off and jump in a hole as the Beezos fly past.)
Princess Toadstool: We gotta find my friend, Joliet. Maybe she can tell us what this feud is about.
(Mario, Princess Toadstool, and Toad jump out of the hole.)
Luigi: Actually, I kind of like it here. Ah!
(Luigi shouts as some debris falls on him.)
Luigi: On second thought, I'll stick with you guys!
(They run into a dead end and stop.)
Toad: Whoa! Looks like a no-exit, dudes.
Luigi: Galloping garlic! Look!
(Luigi points up to an Albatross holding a Bob-omb, which it drops.)
Mario: Uh-oh. Looks like we landed in tough tortellini!
(A trapdoor bellow the group opens up, and they fall down into a sewer. Mario gets up and rubs his butt.)
Mario: (moans) We were a noodle away from disaster that time!
(A girl in a dress, Joliet, sees them.)
Joliet: Princess! I knew you'd come!
(Joliet pulls Romano, her fiancé, out from behind a corner and they walk up to the group.)
Princess Toadstool: Joliet, what's going on up there?
Joliet: Romano and I were about to be married, when the Koopa came to our world and started a feud between our two families!
Mario: Hey, that Koopa's a real party pooper.
Romano: Now our fathers hate each other, and will never let us marry.
Joliet: We don't know what to do.
Princess Toadstool: Well, as their official Princess, maybe I can do something to stop this.
(Above ground, a tile is pushed aside from underneath, and Toad climbs out. He shudders when he sees that the fighting is still going on.)
Toad: They're still going at it.
(The Mario Bros., who are holding up Toad, let him get down. They then give Princess Toadstool a boost up to the ground. She then whistles to both sides. Joliet's father, who's short and fat, walks out of a building near the red Snifits. Romano's father, who's tall and skinny, walks out of a building by the blue Snifits. They both walk up to Princess Toadstool.)
Princess Toadstool: I want Romano and Joliet's fathers, front and center!
Joliet's father: I'm Joliet's father, who are you?
Romano's father: I'm Romano's father, who do you think you are, Princess Toadstool?
Toad: That's exactly who she is, feuding dudes.
Princess Toadstool: Your two children love each other and want to get married!
Joliet's father: Nothing doing!
Romano's father: Not in a zillion years!
Mario: She's not asking you, she's telling you!
(The fathers gulp and sigh.)
Princess Toadstool: By royal decree, I order this feud ended! Romano and Joliet are going to be married!
(The red Snifits talk amongst each other.)
Princess Toadstool: Now, shake on it!
(The fathers look at each other, turn away, then look back and shake hands very firmly.)
Mario: This is one wedding Koopa's really gonna cry at!
(Cut to King Koopa's nearby castle. King Koopa is in the throne room watching the fathers shake hands through a magic mirror.)
King Koopa: Cursed crocodiles! That budinski Princess is at it again!
(King Koopa pulls a lever on the mirror, changing the reflection back to normal, almost.)
Reflection: You gotta stop this wedding!
(King Koopa fiddles with a few coins from a sack.)
King Koopa: Don't I know it? I've made a fortune supplying Albatosses, Snifits, and Bob-ombs to those feuding fools. If the fighting stops, I'll go broke!
Reflection: What you need to do is reflect on the problem.
King Koopa: But what can I do?
Reflection: Why don't ya kidnap Joliet and blame it on Romano's family?
King Koopa: What a wonderfully evil idea! Ha ha. That'd start the feud all over again! (laughing)
Reflection: Brilliant! I knew you'd think of something.
(Cut to the chapel. Toad opens the door to Joliet's dressing room.)
Toad: Shake your tail, bridal babe! The wedding's waiting!
Joliet: I'm almost ready. (singing) Here comes the bride!
(An Albatross flies in through the window and goes after Joliet. He manages to grab her and flies back out.)
Joliet: Hey! Help! Put me down! Aah!
Toad: Uh-oh! There goes the bride!
(Everyone else is waiting in the main hall. Toad runs in.)
Toad: Joliet's been kidnapped!
(The others gasp.)
Joliet's father: I knew you'd pull something like this, dirt ball!
Romano's father: I didn't do anything, nicompoop!
(The fathers fight for a bit and come for a stop.)
Fathers: The feud is on!
(The fathers go over their Snifits, which go back to shooting each other. They eventually blow a large hole in the wall.)
Toad: We've had it, guys! This feud's really bringing down the house! On us!
(Scene fades to black to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Be right back, paisanos.
Mario [voice-over]: We're back, paisanos.
Luigi: Terrible tortellini! We're gonna be crushed!
(The ceiling starts to crack and debris falls.)
Romano: Not if I can help it!
(Romano opens a trapdoor to the basement. Mario and his friends go down it, and so does Romano. The trapdoor is then covered in debris.)
Romano: We've got to find my Joliet! Who could've kidnapped her?
Mario: There's only one villain rotten enough to pull such a nasty stunt!
Mario Gang: Koopa!
Princess Toadstool: Come on!
(The group runs off.)
(Cut to the Trouter-infested moat around King Koopa's castle.)
Luigi: Look! The moat's filled with Trouters!
Princess Toadstool: How are we ever going to get across?
Mario: By getting things rolling!
(Mario runs over to a pile of logs and starts to roll on them.)
Mario: Yippee!
(The logs roll into the water, posing as a bridge. Mario runs across to the other side and Toad gasps.)
Mario: Come on, gang! Let's hop to it!
(Toad, Luigi, and Princess Toadstool hop across. As Romano crosses, he loses his balance and falls in.)
Romano: Whoa! Yeow! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Yipe! Yeow!
(Romano screams some more as a Trouter swims up to him. Romano gets back on the logs and makes it to the other side, gasping for air.)
Mario: Now you got the hang of it.
(A net that was underneath the group catches them and pulls them up.)
Toad: It's a net!
Luigi: Annette Funicello? Where?
(Cut to Joliet, who's locked in a tower.)
Joliet: (sighs) Romano, Romano. Where the heck art thou, Romano?
King Koopa: (offscreen) He's right here!
(King Koopa opens the door. Mario, his friends and Romano are tossed in by a big ugly Troopa.)
Mario: Trapped like hair in a drain.
King Koopa: And Grunt, my Super Troopa, will make sure you stay that way! So long, sewer scum! (laughs evilly)
(King Koopa and Grunt exit and lock the door, just as Toad crashes into it. Romano and Joliet kiss.)
Joliet: Oh, Romano, parting is such sweet sorrow!
(The Mario Bros. look out the barred window in the door and see Grunt lifting a dumbbell.)
Mario: How're we gonna past that muscle-bound meatball?
Toad: Hey, I got a bodacious idea! He don't look so strong to me!
(Grunt lifts the dumbbell over his head.)
Toad: Big deal! I knew a Troopa who could lift two dumbbells!
(Grunt puts down the dumbbell and grabs two more, one in each claw. He manages to lift them both above his head and laughs.)
Princess Toadstool: Nah! I knew a Troopa who could lift three dumbbells.
(Grunt bends down and picks up the other dumbbells with his mouth. This causes the floor beneath him to break, and he falls through.)
Mario: That's great, Toad! Just one problem; he has the key!
Toad: What a dumbbell!
(Toad smacks his head. Joliet then plucks petals from a flower in her bouquet.)
Joliet: We will escape, we won't escape.
Princess Toadstool: We will escape! Look! Joliet's bridal bouquet is made of Fire Flowers!
(Luigi scratches his head.)
Luigi: Fantastic fettuccine!
(Mario grabs a Fire Flower and powers up to Super Mario. He shoots a fireball at the door, knocking it off its hinges.)
Princess Toadstool: Way to go, Super Mario!
Mario: Let's get outta here!
(They run out the door, down the hall, and down a staircase. King Koopa and some Troopas are going up the staircase, and they cross paths.)
Mario: Uh-oh! Trouble in Koopa City!
King Koopa: Koopa Pack, attack!
(The Troopas run towards them.)
Toad: So much for the great escape, dudes.
Mario: Find another way out! I'll give these Koopa clowns a taste of pasta power!
(Mario shoots some fireballs at the Troopas, who pull their shells off their backs and use them as shields. He then runs back up the stairs. Meanwhile, the others place the broken door on top of two dumbbells, and have created a makeshift wagon. Luigi and Romano push it and get on with the others, and roll down the hall. Mario's power wears off as the group comes down the stairs on the door, and he jumps on as well. The Troopas move aside as the door rolls past them and goes after King Koopa.)
King Koopa: Whoa!
(King Koopa gets to the bottom of the stairs and laughs as he pulls a lever that raises the drawbridge. As the drawbridge rises, the door rolls up it and flies over the moat to the other side.)
King Koopa: (growls)
(Fades to the chapel. The song of the instrumental version of "What Goes Up" starts up. The Mario Gang are there with Romano, Joliet, and their fathers. There is also a bunch of cardboard cutouts people as well.)
Princess Toadstool: I now pronounce you man and wife.
(Romano and Joliet kiss and take a bow as their fathers applaud and shake hands.)
Joliet's father: Guess we learned our lesson.
Romano's father: Yeah. Our children's happiness is more important than our feud.
(Princess Toadstool cries and wipes a tear from her eye.)
Princess Toadstool: I always cry at weddings.
Mario: I always cry at wedding feasts!
Toad: Well, looks like these dudes are gonna live happily ever after!
Joliet's father: What do you mean the kids are gonna live with you? The kids are gonna live with me!
Romano's father: Over my dead body!
Fathers: The feud is on!
(Joliet's father picks up a pizza from a table and tosses it at Romano's father. It misses and hits a cardboard cutout instead. Romano's father does the same back to Joliet's father. Soon, all sorts of foods are flying back and forth across the room. Mario now has some pasta on his head, and he eats a noodle.)
Mario: Now, this is my kind of feud!
chomp chomp chomp
Fake Bro: Part 2[]
Luigi: How come Mama never told us about you? I mean, I would think she would've mentioned something.
Pietro: She was ashamed of me. I was the black sheep of the family. Against her wishes, I left home when yous guys were bambinos. That's why, I've made my way around the world, but I miss my family. I miss you, Mario. I miss you, Luigi. I miss the family business. That's why I come back, to take over the Mario Brothers Plumbing business.
Mario: Hey, welcome back, brother.
Luigi: Not so fast, eh? Yo, Pietro, what's Mama's maiden name?
Pietro: Rigati.
Luigi: All right. What's the birthmark on Mario's left knee?
Pietro: There is no birthmark on Mario's knee. It's on his big toe. And Luigi, you remember you had a little teddy bear, called Mr. Tough. Huh? See? I know. I know! It's so good to be back with my family. I can't wait to sell the business, so that we can spend more time together, huh? Here.
(After a Mario head transition...)
Mario: We need some time to find a good lawyer.
Luigi: Right. So, why don't you take a look at these scenes from the next Legend of Zelda. It's under L, I think, huh?
Fake Bro: Part 3[]
[instrumental music]
Luigi: Are you kidding me? Forget about it. Who does this guy think he is selling our business? This is our business.
Mario: But wait a minute, Luigi. Pietro's our older brother.
Luigi: Yeah, that's what he says. But, Mario, I'll tell you one thing. Me, I'm calling Mama.
Pietro: Ha ha. There. That's everything. In my opinion, we could sell the fixtures tomorrow, and the rest of the stuff by the end of the week. Then we split the money in half. 70/30.
Mario: Wait, wait, wait a minute, that's not fair!
Pietro: All right. Thirty for you, and seventy for me.
Mario: Oh, that's more like it.
[phone ringing]
Luigi: Mario Brothers Plumbing. You clog 'em, we clear 'em. Huh? What? IRS? What do you mean we own nine and a thousand dollars in back taxes? Are you crazy? This is a family business, there's only three of us here. Nine and a thousand? That means we owe three into nine and a thousand, three into...
Pietro: That's three hundred thousand dollars a piece! Well, so long.
Mario: Wait a minute, Pietro, where are you going? I mean, it's a family crisis!
Pietro: I just remembered. I'm not your long-lost brother anymore, okay? I got all that information about you guys from the who's who of plumbing. I just needed a little extra cash. Well, ah, good luck. Have fun paying your taxes.
Luigi: Ciao. Arrivederci!
[Luigi laughing]
Mario: Wait a minute, what are you laughing about? What are you laughing about? We owe about a million dollars in taxes.
Luigi: Will you take it easy? We don't owe nothing. You know what I was on the phone? The pizza parlor, our pizza's ready.
Mario: You mean we...
Luigi: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what I mean is that just out wised the wise guy, that's all.
Mario: Luigi, you're smart.
Luigi: (laughs) Mario, come on. You know what? We're gonna go to pizza parlor, and I'm gonna split that pizza with you, even right down the middle seventy thirty; seventy for me, thirty for you.
Mario: Whoa, wait, wait, wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no. Seventy for you, thirty for me!
Luigi: Mario, that's why I love you. Come on, guess what I got...
(Scene fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Stick around, paisanos. We'll be right back.
Ending Segment[]
Mario: 'Til next time, everybody.
Mario, Luigi, and Pietro: Do the Mario!