Here is the transcript for the episode Glasnuts/Plummers Academy.
The Plumber Rap: Part 1[]
Mario: Hey, paisanos! It's the Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
[upbeat music]
[Singers]
We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game
We're not like the others who get all the fame
If your sink is in trouble, you can call us on the double
We're faster than the others, you'll be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
H-hooked on the brothers
Gimme gimme, gimme gimme!
Yo, you're in for a treat, so hang on to your seat
Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats
You'll meet Koopa, the Troopas, the Princess and the others
Hanging with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
To the bridge!
Uh, uh!
I said-a h-h-h-h-hooked on the brothers!
The brothers!
The brothers!
Glasnuts: Part 1[]
[phone ringing]
Luigi: Mario Brothers Plumbing, you clog 'em, we clear 'em! What? The president of the United States. Could you hold on a just a minute, sir? Thank you. Mario. Mario, come here, come here. There's a guy on the phone says... you ready for this? He's president of the United States.
Mario: (snickers)
Luigi: Shh. Let's enjoy this. Well, well, hello? Yes. What is that, sir? Premier Gorbachev, is coming to the United States, and wants to meet us, the Mario Brothers, right?
[laughing]
Mario: This is good, this is good, who does he think he's fooling? Give me the phone. Hello? Yes, Mr. President. Uh, I've got a little question to ask you, sir. Is your refrigerator running? It is? Well then, you'd better catch it.
Luigi: What? Mr. President, yes, sir. Well, thank you for calling. Yes, I'll make sure to give your regards to Gorbi. Right, thank you very much.
[snickering]
Mario: Pretty funny, huh, Luigi?
Luigi: Come on, you know who that probably was? Rali. Rali's always doing this stuff to us, you remember the last time?
[doorbell rings]
Luigi: Get the door. Oh, that guy, he had us running everywhere. Premier Gorbachev, yeah, OK, fine, sure.
Mario: You're not Rali.
Boris: No, I am Boris, KGB. Announcing Premier of Russia: Gorbachev.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Greetings, Mario Brothers! Enough small talk. My spies tell me that you make best pizza in Brooklyn! I want to learn how! So impress!
(Fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [vo]: The Super Mario Bros. Super Show will return.
Mario [vo]: Now back to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
The Plumber Rap: Part 2[]
[theme music]
Here we go, yo!
It's the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's their game
Found the secret warp zone while working on the drain
Lend the Princess a hand in the Mushroom Land
Join the action with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
Now, evil Koopa and his Troopas are up to misbehaving
They kidnapped the Princess; Mushroom Land needs saving
Amusing and confusing, everybody discovers
They can't help but be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
Plummers Academy[]
(The episode opens to an establishing shot one of King Koopa's castles somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom. Up in one of the towers, the Mario gang run out of an entrance onto a balcony shouting and run back through another entrance.)
King Koopa: Wait! Hang on a minute, you fooling faucet heads! Wait up! Wait up!
(King Koopa and some Troopas chase after the Mario gang, who are now running down some stairs.)
Mario: (narrating) Plumber's Log number 2-18. We were up to our mustaches in pickle soup. But things were about to get worse.
(The Mario Gang find themselves in an atrium, surrounded by King Koopa, Mouser, and some Troopas.)
King Koopa: You're all stopped up, drain brains. Koopa Pack, attack!
(The Troopas and Mouser run up to the Mario gang with swords. Mario pulls out a golden plunger and Luigi pulls out a golden wrench.)
Mario: En garde!
(The Mario Bros. fight off the Troopas and Mouser with their tools, but King Koopa grabs Princess Toadstool.)
Princess Toadstool: Yow! Put me down, you scaly scum!
Mario: I hate to part with you, but the Princess needs help.
(Mario throws his plunger at King Koopa, and it lands right on his snout. Princess Toadstool runs back to the others.)
King Koopa: I'll get you for this, Mario! When you hurt Koopa's nose, you've blown it.
(King Koopa pulls a rope and the floor beneath the Mario gang crumbles, revealing a hole. The four of them fall in and land at the bottom of a pit.)
King Koopa: That'll teach those tap turkeys!
(King Koopa places a grate on top of the hole and gets down on the floor.)
King Koopa: Now, get this thing off!
Mouser: With pleasure, your reptilian rottenness.
(Mouser tries to pull the plunger off of King Koopa's snout, but ends up losing his grip and flies backwards.)
King Koopa: Ouch! I meant the plunger, rodent, not my nose!
(Meanwhile, the Mario gang are stuck at the bottom of the pit. Luigi, Princess Toadstool, and Toad try looking for a way out, including a sealed pipe, but Mario just sits there.)
Luigi: Mario! Come on, we gotta get out of here.
Mario: Who cares? That slimy snake breath Koopa has my plumber's helper. Who knows what he'll do it?
(Princess Toadstool taps on Mario's shoulder.)
Princess Toadstool: I'll buy you a new one.
Mario: It's one of a kind. The President of the United States gave that plunger to me personally, at the White House.
Toad: The President? Wow! What for?
Mario: It all started the day Luigi and I entered the Brooklyn Plumber's Academy to start our basic draining.
(A flashback starts. The Mario Bros. are in Brooklyn, carrying suitcases and walking along a campus towards an old fashioned building with pillars at the front and the word "ACADEMY" over the entrance. In front of the building is a plunger statue.)
Mario: (narrating) And got assigned the meanest, nastiest, Drain Sergeant ever.
(A voice, which sounds exactly like King Koopa's, is coming from a megaphone inside the building.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Okay, scumballs! Stand tall! Shoulders back! Stomachs in!
(Cut to a classroom, where Sergeant Kooperman, a big, fat, big-nosed sergeant is yelling through the megaphone at several plumbers, one of whom looks a lot Wario. The Mario Bros. line up next to the other plumbers.)
Sergeant Kooperman: I'm Drain Sergeant Kooperman, and you are the crummiest, most lovingly...
(Sergeant Kooperman walks up to Mario, who sucks in his gut, along with Luigi.)
Sergeant Kooperman: ...shortest would be plumbers I have ever seen.
(Luigi lets his gut out and sighs.)
Sergeant Kooperman: How do you and this (removes the megaphone) "paunch" expect to fit under a sink?
Mario: Hey, leave my brother's paunch out of this!
(In Sergeant Kooperman's other hand is a cup of coffee. Mario exhales into it and it splashes all over Sergeant Kooperman.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Watch it, klutz! You guys look more like drain clogs than plumbers! We need men with the right stuff!
Mario: We got the right stuff!
Sergeant Kooperman: You got the wrong stuff! You'll flunk out the first day! I'll see to it personally!
(Fades to the alley. The Mario Bros. are each other carrying a bathtub over their heads, with Sergeant Kooperman walking backwards in front of them, speaking through the megaphone.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Hut, hut, hut, hut! Faster, recruits, faster! Now, halt!
(Sergeant Kooperman puts down the megaphone and the Mario Bros. stop.)
Mario: But Sergeant Kooperman, this is a fire escape. Where are we putting the tub?
(They look up at a fairly high fire escape. Sergeant Kooperman laughs.)
Luigi: We really have to do this to become a plumber?
Sergeant Kooperman: If ya don't, I get to boot ya right out of the Plumber's Academy.
Mario: Piece of parmesan cheesecake, right, Luigi?
Luigi: I think I wanna reconsider my career options.
(The Mario Bros. begin to carry the tubs up the fire escape.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Hut, hut, hut, hut!
(Fades to the room at the top floor of the building by the fire escape. Sergeant Kooperman is pacing back and forth in front of the window. After a while, the Mario Bros. enter through the window with the tubs.)
Sergeant Kooperman: What took you so long?
Mario: Can we take a break and tell you? (panting)
Sergeant Kooperman: Take a break? Ha, are you kidding? You're gonna carry that tub back down and do it again!
(The Mario Bros. go back out the window and Sergeant Kooperman speaks through the megaphone again.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Hut, hut, hut, hut!
Luigi: Are you sure we wanna be plumbers?
Mario: Keep plunging, Luigi. We gotta show Kooperman we got the right stuff!
(The Mario Bros. reach the bottom and come back up. Later, the Mario Bros. are back with Sergeant Kooperman, and are trying to unclog sinks with plungers. Sergeant Kooperman pulls out a stopwatch.)
Sergeant Kooperman: You got ten seconds to unplug that sink!
(Sergeant Kooperman starts the stopwatch.)
Luigi: Only ten?
Sergeant Kooperman: Now you got eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two!
(Sludge comes out flying out of both drains and onto Sergeant Kooperman's face.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Yuck! That does it! You two are on K.P.!
Mario: K.P.?
(Mario shivers.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Yeah! Killer Plumbing!
(A Mario head transitions to outside. The Mario Bros. are digging at the bottom of a hole, and stop to catch their breaths.)
Mario: Excuse me, Sergeant Kooperman. (pants) Could we please have a drink of water?
Sergeant Kooperman: Ha! The guy is about to flunk out of Plumber's Academy, and he wants water.
Luigi: I guess that means no.
Sergeant Kooperman: Now get up here!
(The Mario Bros. jump out of the hole.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Okay, this is your last chance. You got twenty minutes to fit all those pipes together!
(Sergeant Kooperman points to a pile of various pipes.)
Mario: Yes, sir, Sergeant! Where are our wrenches?
Sergeant Kooperman: Who said you got wrenches? Now get to work!
(The Mario Bros. run up to the pipes and begin to fit them together. Eventually they manage to attach them all together and construct a wobbly, oddly shaped structure of pipes. Sergeant Kooperman stops his stopwatch.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Time's up, recruits! Now for your final test!
Luigi: But, Sergeant, this isn't fair! We didn't have wrenches!
Sergeant Kooperman: Who said I was fair?
(Sergeant Kooperman turns on a tap and water goes running through a hose to the structure. The force of the water causes the pipes to collapse and fall around the Mario Bros., trapping them. The water is slowly filling up between the pipes, where the Mario Bros. are.)
Luigi: Help! We're drowning!
Sergeant Kooperman: Help? I don't help guys with the wrong stuff.
(Sergeant Kooperman tosses some more pipes on top of the pipes that are already there.)
Sergeant Kooperman: You'll never be plumbers, and that's what they'll put on your tombstones.
[Mario grunting]
(Fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [vo]: Be right back, paisanos.
Mario [vo]: We're back, paisanos.
Mario: Push, Luigi, push!
(The Mario Bros. push away at the pipes, revealing an opening. The water washes them away onto the main campus.)
Luigi: Holy macaroni!
Mario: Mama mia!
(The Mario Bros. end up in front of a statue of another familiar plumber, who's holding a wrench.)
Mario: Luigi, look! It's Salvador Drainado. The founder of the Plumber's Academy.
Luigi: The most famous plumber who ever lived.
Mario: Look what it says on the plaque! (reading) When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!
Luigi: Yeah, but we got the wrong stuff and we got flunked.
Mario: I can't quit now, Luigi! I was born with a plunger in my hand!
Luigi: I know. Boy, it was awfully hard on mom. Come on, we gotta find some other line of work. Maybe we could be librarians.
(The Mario Bros. walk off. They soon reach a street corner, where decorations have been set up and a crowd is standing by the side of the street.)
Mario: Hey, what's going on?
Cop: Where ya been, down a sewer pipe? The President of the U.S. of A. is showing the President of Russia around Brooklyn.
Mario: Hey, Luigi! Let's stake out a seat!
(The Mario Bros. sit down on their suitcases. Nearby, two construction workers are filling in potholes. In an apartment by the potholes is Sergeant Kooperman, who's using a plunger in a woman's kitchen sink.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Don't worry, dear, your plumbing will be like new when Sergeant Kooperman is through.
(Sergeant Kooperman hears someone whistle and looks outside. A man is carrying a bag of drain cleaner onto a pile. He then gets back into his truck and drives off.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Ah! A month of supply of Drain Buster is here. That should do the trick.
(Sergeant Kooperman goes outside and accidentally grabs a bag of the construction workers' concrete, instead of the drain clearer, and walks back inside.)
Construction Worker: Hmm, I wonder what he wants with concrete?
(Sergeant Kooperman pours the concrete down the drain.)
Sergeant Kooperman: Good! We'll add some more.
(The concrete starts bubbling up through the drain and the woman gasps.)
Sergeant Kooperman: (laughs) Better fix it at the manhole.
(Sergeant Kooperman goes back outside and pours some concrete down into a manhole. The construction workers walk up to him.)
Construction Worker: Hey, sewage for brains, what are you doing with my fast drying concrete?
Sergeant Kooperman: You say, fast drying?
(Some concrete flies out of the manhole and into Sergeant Kooperman's face. Fades to the crowd.)
Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the President, right here in Brooklyn!
(The crowd cheers as a convertible sporting the flags of the US and Russia drives by. Riding in the back are the two presidents themselves, who wave to the crowd. Suddenly, water comes gushing out of the sewer and begins to flood the street. The crowd runs off, while the car starts to get washed away.)
Cop: Quick! We gotta save the President! Is there a plumber in the house?
Mario: Luigi! This is our big chance to prove we're really plumbers!
Luigi: But Sergeant Kooperman says we got the wrong stuff. And this is the worst leak that anyone's ever seen!
Mario: Remember, Luigi, when the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!
Luigi: Yeah! The tough get plumbing!
(The song of the instrumental version of "When Koopas Paint the Town" starts up. The Mario Bros. run out of a scuba shop wearing flippers, oxygen tanks, and diving masks. Mario grabs one of the construction workers' jackhammers. The Mario Bros. are now standing on top of a platform. They shake hands and jump in the water. They go down into the sewer and swim through a pipe. An alligator swims up to them, so they turn around and swim through the other pipe. They find the concrete, which was hardened and clogged up all the water. Mario drills through the concrete with the jackhammer, allowing the water to go through. The water on the street drains away, allowing the car to continue. The Mario Bros. climb out of a manhole and the crowd surrounds them. The song ends.)
Cop: Thank you, boys, the Presidents are safe.
(Fades to the White House lawn. The Mario Bros. are standing in front of a podium by the President.)
Mario: (narrating) So the President invited Luigi and me to the White House, and presented me with my golden plumber's helper, and Luigi with a golden wrench.
(The President hands the Mario Bros. their tools as the flashback ends.)
Mario: But now, Koopa's got it.
Princess Toadstool: We'll get it back, Mario.
Luigi: But how? We're stuck in this place!
Princess Toadstool: Didn't you guys learn anything in the Plumbing Academy? When the plumbing gets tough, the tough get plumbing!
Mario: She's right, Luigi! Do you still have that wrench the President gave you?
Luigi: Sure! Right here!
(Luigi pulls out his wrench.)
Princess Toadstool: Well, get to it!
(Luigi uses his wrench to open up the sealed pipe. Water comes out and fills the pit, bringing the Mario gang to the top.)
Mario: We'll be out of here faster than you can say lasagna cream pie!
(The Mario Gang come out through the grate and run off. Cut to another room, where King Koopa, who still has the plunger on his snout, has been fastened to a table. The plunger is attached to a machine pedaled by Mouser. His attempts to have the machine pull the plunger off aren't working.)
King Koopa: Ow! Stop!
Mouser: Gee, I thought we almost had it!
King Koopa: Well, try something else!
(Mouser pours some pepper into a bowl and holds it up to King Koopa's face.)
Mouser: Okay, your royal Koopaness, take a big sniff of this pepper.
(The Mario Gang poke their heads through the entrance to the room. King Koopa can't sniff the pepper with the plunger on his snout.)
King Koopa: Ah, moron! Double moron! How can I smell it with this thing on my nose?
(Mario runs in and grabs the bowl from Mouser.)
Mario: Surprise!
(Mario shoves the bowl into Mouser's face, and he sneezes. Princess Toadstool and Toad roll up the carpet Mouser's standing and place him into a wardrobe. Mario jumps on top of King Koopa.)
King Koopa: Get off me, you faucet freak!
Mario: No way, plunger nose. Not 'til I get my presidential plumber's helper back!
(Mario begins pulling on his plunger.)
Mario: Need some backup, guys!
Luigi: Okay, Mario!
(Mouser bangs around inside the wardrobe, trying to get out. Toad is holding King Koopa, who's sweating badly, by his horns, while the Mario Bros. and Princess Toadstool pull away at the plunger.)
Mario: On three! One, two--
King Koopa: I want you to pull already! (yells)
Mario: Three!
(The plunger gets pulled off of King Koopa's snout at last.)
King Koopa: (sighs in relief)
(Mario kisses his plunger. King Koopa starts to squirm on the table.)
King Koopa: Hey, aren't you gonna...?
(The Mario Gang shake their heads and run off.)
King Koopa: Guards! Troopas! Somebody! Help!
(Cut to outside of the castle. The Mario Gang run off and come to a stop.)
Mario: Doesn't look like close contact with the Koopa snoot did it any harm.
Princess Toadstool: Don't you feel good now that you have it back?
(Mario nods for a moment, then stops and places his hand over his belly.)
Mario: No, hungry! And the plumber gets hungry, the plumber gets pasta!
(The four of them laugh.)
Glasnuts: Part 2[]
Luigi: Like a pizza, you can divide the world up into many, many, many pieces, eh?
Mario: Yeah, but if Uncle Tony comes, he'll eat more than his share, and we'll have to order more pizza.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Gentlemen, please, I do not have much time. Perhaps it'll go quicker if I assisted, huh? Huh? Huh? Boris! Needs borscht.
Mario: Hey, you're messing with Mama's special recipe.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Ukrainian sour cream. Caviar from Mother Russia. Ha ha ha.
Mario: That looks like baby grapes.
Luigi: (growls)
Mario: Excuse me, Premier.
Luigi: We'll be right back. Yes.
Mario: You know something, Luigi, he may know a lot about running the nation, but he don't know nothing about making pizza.
Luigi: Shh. I know that. You know that. But Mario, he's gonna hate this pizza, he's gonna get mad, and we're all in a lot of trouble.
(After a Mario head transition...)
Mikhail Gorbachev: First, we watch exciting scenes from Legend of Zelda, then we give pizza a chance.
Glasnuts: Part 3[]
Mario: It's bubbling like pizza, but I don't know about this caviar and this borscht. Hey, Luigi, I tell you the truth, I'm worried.
Luigi: Well, I am too, Mario. I can see it all now. Mario Brothers cause international trouble, bad pizza to blame.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Is pizza ready, comrades?
Luigi: Yes, coming right up. Premier Gorbachev, Premier Gorbachev, you know, I was thinking. You don't want to taste this pizza. Come on, let me take you to Yankee Stadium, I'll buy you one of them all American hot dogs.
Mikhail Gorbachev: I want to sample pizza of my own!
Mario: What?
Mikhail Gorbachev: Is not good.
Luigi: Is not good.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Is not good.
Luigi: Is not good.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Is great!
Mario: Hey, Luigi, he likes it!
Mikhail Gorbachev: Like it? I love it! When I get home, I will open pizza shop in basement of Kremlin! I make a million rubies! Ho ho, I open my own pizza place, huh? You guys will be famous all over Russia! You are great Americans! America is great country!
Mario: Hey, Gorbi!
Mikhail Gorbachev: What?
Mario: Will your pizza parlor deliver?
Mikhail Gorbachev: I promise delivery in 30 days, or pizza free!
Luigi: Not a bad idea.
Mario [vo]: Stick around, paisanos. We'll be right back.
Ending Segment[]
Luigi: 'Til next time, everybody!
Mario, Luigi, and Mikhail Gorbachev: Do the Mario!