Transcript[]
Act I[]
[The scene pans over live-action houses.]
- French Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club: Patchy the Pirate. [the exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears. Inside, Patchy is wrapping presents]
- Patchy the Pirate: [to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho. [notices he's on air] Oh! Hi! [waves] I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club! [notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye. He switches his patch over to the other eye] Hey, that's better! [Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in]
- Potty the Parrot: [squawks] Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
- Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. [he limps over to the fireplace] And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. [he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge] Why, I'll bet old SpongeBob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! [He picks up a picture of SpongeBob. Cuts to SpongeBob, holding a remote]
- SpongeBob: I sure am! [He presses a button on the remote. A large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters] I'm ready! [Patchy laughs]
- Patchy: Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. [he puts down SpongeBob's picture] And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. [He picks up a picture of Patrick. Cuts to Patrick standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face. Zooms out to reveal a single ornament hanging from the antenna on top of his rock. It snaps off and hits the ground. Patrick then falls to the ground as well. Now, Patchy is mixing cookie dough] I too am also preparing for Christmas. [he lifts up the mixer] Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! [he takes a lick] Mmm...
- Potty: [squawks] Potty want cookie dough! [Potty flies over, squawking] Cookie! [Patchy ducks]
- Patchy: Potty! No! [Potty flies back and forth]
- Potty: Cookie! [squawks]
- Patchy: Get out of here!
- Potty: Cookie!
- Patchy: Potty!
- Potty: [squawks] Give us a lick!
- Patchy: Back off, you flying freak!
[Potty flies on the counter]
- Potty: [squawks] Clarify please.
- Patchy: [the cookies are shaped like SpongeBob and Patrick] This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots.
[Cuts to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell. Patchy looks out the window]
- Patchy: What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
- Children: [off-screen] Free ice cream! [Patchy laughs]
- Patchy: No, you silly livers. [sternly] No!
- Potty: [squawks] Man overboard? [Patchy walks over to a desk]
- Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. [he sits down] No, it's time to open fan letters! [Potty flies over with a letter in his beak]
- Potty: [squawks] Here you go! [Patchy tugs at it]
- Patchy: Thank you, Potty. [Potty is not letting go] Yeah. Okay Potty, thank you! [Potty squawks, still not letting go] Come on, give it, you birdbrain! [Potty squawks some more] Quiet, infernal bird! [He uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's strings. Potty squawks and falls to the ground. Patchy nods] Hmm. [he sits back down] This letter comes to us from...
- Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over. He pulls up his eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up]
- Patchy: And he writes, "Dear SpongeBob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."
- Fish Head: [as voiceover] Name and address withheld! [Patchy gets up and takes off his glasses. Now his eye patch is back on]
- Patchy: A very good question. But you know they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.
- Potty: [squawks] They didn't?
- Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. [He pulls down Potty's strings. Potty falls to the ground, and a puppeteer falls down from above the set. Patchy hangs a homemade SpongeBob ornament on a Christmas tree. Zooms out, showing the entire tree, which is decorated with many similar SpongeBob, as well as ornaments featuring Patrick and Squidward, and a few gift boxes] There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. [he snaps his fingers] Hey! Who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob's very first Christmas? [Cuts to Potty, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes. Patchy turns around] Potty? [Patchy sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise] You ate all me cookie dough! [Potty is now incredibly fat. Potty's body and strings fall off, leaving only the bird's head]
- Potty: Squ-ouch!
[Patchy shrugs]
- Patchy: Oh, well, on with the show.
- [Plays the title card and opening credits. Afterwards, a bubble transition plays, revealing a sunset with Sandy's treedome. SpongeBob is shown waiting on a hill near Sandy's treedome, wearing karate gloves]
Act 2[]
Act 3[]
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- Squidward: What? A pig-headed, stubborn, mean, skeptical, grumpy, arrogant, show-off-like bully? Well, maybe I am all of those things. But I'm a Squidward, okay? (sighs) Look, I know what I did to SpongeBob was really low. Even for me. But sometimes...sometimes I just can't help myself!
- Ash Ketchum: Well, what did you think SpongeBob had been doing this whole time the holiday season started? Goofing around?!
- Squidward: D'uh! Yes! I thought he was just making it all up. I thought the whole concept of Christmas was all but figments of his imagination.
- Heroes: (groans in frustration and annoyance with Squidward's stupidity and inability to understand Christmas)
- Jiminy Cricket: (groans in frustration while facepalming himself) How many times do we have to say it? Christmas is not made up! It's a real holiday! People around the world celebrate it every year and it's not something to be treated like a joke!
- Genie: It's permanently marked on the calendar every year! (holds up the calendar and points to the date, December 25th, Christmas Day, to prove to Squidward that it is literally and figuratively a real holiday) See?!
- Squidward: Well, how was I supposed to know that Christmas is a real thing?!
- Misty: Maybe you could've at least paid more attention to the calendar like everyone else does every year, you six-legged pinhead!
- Brock: Or better yet, you could've just gone over to Sandy and asked her what SpongeBob was talking about and what he meant by Christmas instead of acting like a big, mean grouch to him!
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- Squidward: The poor, little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.
- Cera: Gee, you think?!
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- Squidward: I guess you guys were right. I shouldn't have ruined SpongeBob's attempts of spreading Christmas cheer nor ruined the holiday spirit for the whole town. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas means nor what it's all about. Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas means and what it's all about?!
- Jiminy Cricket: Why, sure, Squidward. I'd be glad to tell you what Christmas means and what it's all about.
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- Littlefoot: Squidward, we know you hate fun, but Christmas is something special to everyone. And when SpongeBob along with the whole town learned about it, it became special to them. But you know what? This is my first Christmas too.
- Squidward: It is? Really?
- Cera: Mine too.
- Ducky: Mine too. Yep, yep, yep!
- Petrie: And mine too!
- Spike: (grunts affirmatively)
- Guido, Chomper, and Ruby: And ours too!
- Squidward: (to the dinosaurs) You mean you guys never celebrated Christmas before? (they nod their heads) Not even one? (they nod no)
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- Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all my stuff just so SpongeBob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?!
- Misty: No, you're not insane, Squidward. That was the whole point of Christmas.
- Squidward: Giving away my all of my material possessions?
- Brock: Maybe. But the point is, Squidward, you saved Christmas. By giving.
- Squidward: Giving?
- Ash Ketchum: The true spirit of Christmas is to give.
- Jiminy Cricket: And the more you give to others, the more you'll receive in return. Giving up your material possessions was a noble cost. So, in return for saving the holiday, we'd like to give something to you.