Here's the transcript for Magician/Count Koopula.
Intro (The Plumber Rap: Part 1)[]
Mario: Hey, paisanos! It's the Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
[theme song]
[Singers]
We're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game
We're not like the others who get all the fame
If your sink is in trouble, you can call us on the double
We're faster than the others, you'll be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
H-hooked on the brothers
Gimme gimme, gimme gimme
Yo, you're in for a treat, so hang on to your seat
Get ready for adventure and remarkable feats
You'll meet Koopa, the Troopas, the Princess, and the others
Hanging with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
To the bridge!
Uh, uh!
I said-a h-h-h-h-hooked on the brothers!
The brothers!
The brothers!
Magician: Part 1[]
Luigi: Look at this. Harry Blackstone Jr. wrote back to me. Listen to this. (reading) "Dear Luigi, thanks for your support. It's great to have fans like you, huh? If I'm ever passing through your neighborhood, I'll stop by to say hello. Magically yours, the king of illusion, Blackstone." Wow, Mario, could you imagine that? Would it be neat if Blackstone came here?
Mario: That'll never happen.
poof
Luigi: Blackstone! Yo! Wow, great to see you!
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Hello, Luigi. How are you?
Luigi: I'm terrific.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: You know, it's good to see you. How is your magic act going?
Luigi: Ah... I tell you, not so good, Blackstone. You know, I'm having trouble, a lot of trouble with that, uh, disappearing object trick.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Oh. I'll tell you what, why don't you demonstrate it for me and perhaps I can give you a couple of pointers?
Luigi: You would do that for me?
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Of course.
Luigi: Wow. Mario! Can I borrow the ball?
Mario: Sure.
Luigi: Thanks. Thanks. OK, now, I cover the ball, and I say the magic words, the basketball will vanish. Here we go. Ooshee wooshee goose goose goose, basketball will now vamoose!
Harry Blackstone Jr.: No, no. Those aren't the right magic words, those are the wrong magic words. Here, try this. It's gooshie wooshee moose moose moose.
Luigi: Oh. Gooshie wooshee, moose moose moose, basketball will now vamoose!
ding
Luigi: I did it!
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Ha ha ha! Very good, Luigi! Now you know the correct magic words. And I want you to be very... I'm sorry. I've got to go. I've got a luncheon appointment with Erik Estrada.
Luigi: Ooh!
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Oh, word of caution. Be careful how you use those magic words, because sometimes they can be a lot of problems. (chuckles)
Luigi: Gotcha, Blackstone.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Good-bye, fellas. Farewell!
poof
Luigi: Mario... I can now make things disappear! Whew. By the way, I'm sorry about your ball.
Mario: Don't worry about it, Luigi, it was your ball.
(Scene fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Super Mario Bros. Super Show will return.
Mario [voice-over]: Now back to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
The Plumber Rap: Part 2[]
[theme music]
Here we go, yo!
It's the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's their game
Found the secret warp zone while working on the drain
Lend the Princess a hand in the Mushroom Land
Join the action with the plumbers, you'll be hooked on the brothers!
Now, evil Koopa and his Troopas are up to misbehaving
They kidnapped the Princess; Mushroom Land needs saving
Amusing and confusing, everybody discovers
They can't help but be hooked on the brothers. Uh!
Count Koopula[]
(Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Toadstool are running through a forest. It is raining and there's lightning and thunder.)
[organ music]
Mario: (narrating) Plumber's Log, number 10-14. We were traveling for a strange land called Turtlevania. Somebody had pulled the plug on the big bathtub in the sky, and we were soaked!
Princess Toadstool: Ooh, I'm freezing! When are we going to find a place to sleep?
Mario: Never fear, Princess. There's bound to be a motel around here somewhere.
(Camera shifts over to a pink and purple messed up castle. Zooms in. Suddenly, King Koopa's huge eye appears covering the entire screen, and blinks.)
King Koopa: (laughs) Those pesky plumbers...
(Camera goes behind King Koopa where he is looking from a telescope from a room, presumably in the castle.)
King Koopa: ...are playing right into my fangs. (laughing)
(Camera shows his telescope from the outside for a sec, then the Mario gang is seen through the telescope. Then back inside to King Koopa.)
King Koopa: (laughing as he turns around during a bolt of lightning and thunder) Mousigor!
(A hunchback Mouser wearing a purple cloak and holding a torch immediately opens the door on the other side of the room and steps in.)
Mouser: Yes, Count Koopula?
King Koopa: Prepare rooms for Princess Toadstool, and her foolish friends. (turns to look at something hanging on a pole next to the telescope) And you, you vapid vampire, go lure our victims into my castle. (laughs)
(The vampire, actually a Tweeter with bat wings, flies off.)
King Koopa: Before the night is through, I'll make them wish they never came to Turtlevania. (laughing)
(Camera fades to the Mario gang.)
Luigi: I'm cold, and wet, and hungry, Mario. How about some spaghetti?
(Mario is holding a small white box with a handle.)
Mario: It's my leftovers, Luigi. You ate all yours.
Luigi: But you had three orders. I only had one.
Princess Toadstool: Come on, Mario. Fair-sies.
Mario: Oh, OK. But just one bite.
(Mario hands the box to Luigi. The Tweeter comes swooping down with angry eyes and grabs the box. Mario grabs the box while the Tweeter still holds on.)
Mario: Help! Spaghetti napper!
(Toad grabs onto Mario. Princess Toadstool grabs onto Toad.)
Toad: Yow!
Princess Toadstool: Grab him, Luigi!
(Luigi grabs onto Toad. Toad struggles to hold on. While the Tweeter tries to fly away, Toad gets stretched to about ten feet.)
Princess Toadstool: Pull! Pull!
Toad: Whoa!
Mario: I can't hold on!
(Mario loses his hold on the box and the gang lands in a pile on the ground, with Mario landing on Toad and Princess Toadstool. The Tweeter flies toward the castle with the pasta in its claws.)
Mario: Follow that bat! We've got to get that spaghetti back!
(The camera shows the castle again.)
Princess Toadstool: Oh, no! Look where he's going!
Toad: Ooh, scary!
(Camera shifts to the front door of the castle.)
Luigi: I'm not going in there. It looks like a boarding house for vampires.
Mario: Come on, Luigi! Nobody believes in vampires anymore!
Luigi: I do.
(Camera shows a couple creepy looking things for some reason.)
Mario: Well, we need shelter, and maybe we can get that spaghetti back.
(Mario pushes a yellow button in the center of the door and a loud doorbell rings. Mouser opens the door.)
Mario: Uh, we need rooms for the night.
Mouser: We got rooms you'll never forget.
Luigi: I don't like this creepy castle.
Mario: You like sleeping in the rain better?
(Mario walks in. Luigi shrugs, and the other three walk in. They pass a painting and it looks at them. Luigi looks at another painting which looks at him.)
Luigi: What are you looking at?
Mario: Are you talking to yourself again, Luigi?
Luigi: Look at the p-p-paintings.
(Luigi looks up.)
Luigi: Wha? Huh?
(The camera shows the painting without pupils. Camera goes to a door with a huge #1. A beam of light hits it, presumably from Mouser's torch. Mouser opens the door.)
Mouser: Your room, miss.
Princess Toadstool: Thank you.
(Princess Toadstool walks in. Mouser walks to a door with a huge #2 and opens the door.)
Mouser: You two guys with hairy lips can stay here.
(The plumbers walk in. Mouser opens the door marked #3.)
Toad: What's behind door number three? (looks around) Let me guess.
Mouser: (puts his hand on Toad's hat) Don't strain your brain, Toad!
(Mouser pushes Toad into the room.)
Toad: Ah! (lands and turns around) Hey, how'd you know my name? Who are you?
(Toad jumps at Mouser, but their fight is mostly offscreen.)
Mouser: Whoa! Ugh!
(Mouser pushes Toad back down.)
Toad: You're Mouser!
(Mouser covers his mouth with the cloak, which was uncovered since he entered door #3.)
Toad: You're Koopa's stooge!
Mouser: It's Mousigor to you, fungus face.
(Mouser slams the door. Toad starts to attack the door.)
Toad: I'm trapped!
(Camera goes to Mario and Luigi's room.)
Luigi: I tell ya, there's vampires here!
Mario: Stop already. I'm too hungry to worry about vampire that don't exist.
(Mario sits on the bed and pulls another white box out of his overalls.)
Luigi: Hey, hey, hey. Where did you get that? I thought the Tweeter bat stole your spaghetti.
Mario: It did. But this is my spare ravioli.
(The Tweeter, hanging from a pole, comes down from a hole in the ceiling, sticks his fangs in the top of the box, and starts sucking on the contents.)
Luigi: Holy macaroni!
(The Tweeter stops and goes back up.)
Mario: My ravioli! Fang marks! (opens box) Every drop of tomato sauce... gone!
Luigi: Now will you believe me? Tomato sauce sucking vampires! Let's get outta here!
(Back to Toad. Toad looks at a strange green gargoyle head mounted on the wall with a green vase in its mouth.)
Toad: If only you could talk.
Gargoyle Head: Buzz off, Mushroom Mouth.
Toad: Oh, yeah? How about a nose job?
(Toad jumps up and grabs the gargoyle's nose and mouth, knocking off the vase.)
Gargoyle Head: Yeowch!
(A wall panel opens.)
Toad: Well, well, well. A secret passage.
(Toad runs through several rooms and sees a wall with a couple of holes.)
Toad: (points at the holes) Spy holes!
(Toad looks through the holes, the Mario Bros. can be seen pounding on the door with their fists.)
Toad: Hey, guys!
Mario and Luigi: Vampires!
(Toad pushes the secret panel open.)
Toad: No, guys, it's me! And I know a way to get out of here!
Mario: Come on! Let's find the Princess!
(Princess Toadstool now.)
Princess Toadstool: Where is everybody? Why's the door locked?
(The three others topple through the secret panel on the other side of the room.)
Toad: Come on, Princess! Let's split this spooky joint!
(King Koopa opens the front door of the room.)
King Koopa: Welcome to the castle of Count Koopula.
Princess Toadstool: (gasps)
King Koopa: Dinner is served. (laughs evilly)
(Mouser appears in the secret panel.)
Mouser: And you're the main course! (laughing)
(Luigi shrugs.)
Toad: I just lost my appetite.
(Toad slams the panel on Mouser.)
Toad: Luigi was right! Vampires!
(Princess Toadstool slams the door on King Koopa.)
Toad: Into the clothes chute! It's our only way out...
(Toad walks over to a red pot on the floor and takes the lid off.)
Toad: ...or he'll turn us into vampires like them!
(Toad jumps in and the other three watch him fall for five seconds, then they jump in. Yet, they are evenly spaced as they fall through the pipe. Strange. They fall for a full ten seconds and still don't die. Strange. When they stand up, they are in a room with a few racks of yellow bottles.)
Mario: Whew! That was close.
Luigi: Sp-sp-sp...
Mario: Spit it out, Luigi.
(Luigi points behind them and they look.)
Mario Gang: (gasp in horror)
(There are a bunch of huge spiders wearing Snifit masks entering the room. They are about as tall as Mario.)
Mario, Princess Toadstool, and Toad: Spiders!
(Scene fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Be right back, paisanos.
Mario [voice-over]: We're back, paisanos.
(Now the spiders are about as tall as Toad.)
Luigi: D-d-d-do something, Mario!
Mario Gang: (gasp in horror)
Mario: I forgot my bug spray!
(Princess Toadstool notices a small black piranha-like plant on the windowsill.)
Princess Toadstool: Aha! A magic Piranha Plant.
(The plant makes noise.)
Princess Toadstool: This'll take care of those spiders.
(Princess Toadstool aims at the spiders.)
Toad: Zap 'em, Princess!
(The plant shoots a fireball which hits a spider, knocking them all back. It shoots another, which makes part of the nearest spider explode, and they all run away.)
Toad: Yay!
Luigi: Way to go, Princess!
(Princess Toadstool puts the plant down and rubs it so it blushes.)
Mario: We gotta find a way outta here. What's this?
(Mario walks over to a rack of yellow-orange bottles and pulls out the only clear bottle.)
Mario: Marinara, Château Koopa, 1989. Hey! It's tomato sauce!
Toad: We're surrounded by vampires, and all he thinks about is food!
(Princess Toadstool is looking out a window.)
Princess Toadstool: Hey, guys, look. Koopa's up to something weird.
(The others look out the window. The song of the instrumental version of "My Karoobi" starts up. Outside...)
King Koopa: I command you! Behold, the full moon!
(Four Troopas turn around and look at the moon. They all turn into cool-looking wereturtles who are much taller and have glowing orange eyes, long arms, fangs, and fur. They start howling at the moon.)
Luigi: He's turning them into w-w-werturtles!
King Koopa: You can do what you want with the faucet freaks, but don't hurt the Princess. Now, find them!
(The wereturtles start to run toward the camera.)
Princess Toadstool: Oh, spiders were bad enough, but I can't stand wereturtles!
Mario: Don't worry, Princess. It's us they're after, not you.
Luigi: Yeah, Princess, don't worry, it's us they're after. Us?
Toad: Pour some of this spaghetti sauce at the base of the stairs.
(Toad squeezes a couple of glass bottles so that the sauce comes out onto the floor. The wereturtles run toward the door, growling. The Mario Gang hides on either side of the stairs. The wereturtles crash through the door and slide into a rack of bottles, which falls down with a crash. When no one is moving and the Mario Gang is smiling. Toad opens a sliding door on the floor.)
Toad: Over here! I found a trap door!
Luigi: Cobwebs? That means sp-sp-spiders!
Mario: It's safer than staying here.
(A wereturtle covered in pasta sauce comes onto the screen.)
Mario Gang: (gasp in horror)
(Nice frontal camera shot of the wereturtle, which growls.)
Princess Toadstool: Help!
Luigi: Holy macaroni!
Toad: Naughty turtle! You've been hitting the sauce again! Well, have some more!
(Toad throws a bottle at the wereturtle, and it goes into its mouth until it is no longer seen. The wereturtle starts choking.)
Toad: Move it!
(Toad, Mario, Princess Toadstool, then Luigi jump into the hole. Luigi closes the door behind him and trips, knocking all four down the stairs. They fall through another trap door at the bottom and land in a room with a machine dispensing tomatoes onto a conveyor belt. On top is a Goomba who jumps on each tomato as it passes. There are several Goombas surrounding the conveyor belt. At the end of the belt is a bubbling, steaming pot of tomato sauce.)
Goombas: (chanting)
Mario: It's a tomato sauce factory!
Toad: Those Goombas look kinda spaced out to me. (gasps) They're zombies!
Princess Toadstool: Maybe we can sneak past them.
(The gang walks by slowly while the chanting continues. Mario walks over to the pot, dips his finger in, and tastes it.)
Mario: Mmm. Needs garlic. Huh?
(The Goombas stop chanting and look in Mario's direction. They all have yellow eyes, but then two of them have their eyes change to white, and then the two that changed blink. They all make angry Goomba noises and start jumping up and down angrily. They start to throw tomatoes at the gang, and one hits Mario's face.)
Princess Toadstool: Run for it!
(King Koopa appears in their way.)
King Koopa: Too late, Princess.
Mario Gang: (gasp in horror)
(Six wereturtles surround them.)
King Koopa: I'm taking you to Count Koopula's torture chamber, wax museum, and dungeon of horrors.
(Camera fades out and back in. Toad is lying on one of those tables with his feet strapped down and ropes binding his hands to a turntable wheel. Luigi is strapped to a wall, his shoes are off, and a mechanical hand in the floor is tickling him with a feather. Mario is chained to a table where a faucet is running water onto his face. King Koopa is holding Princess Toadstool by the arm.)
King Koopa: Say ciao to your friends, Princess Toadstool! That's goodbye in Italian, because when you see 'em again, you'll be a tomato sauce sucking vampire, just like me. (laughs evilly)
(King Koopa leaves up some stairs, taking Princess Toadstool.)
Princess Toadstool: But I hate tomatoes.
Toad: I always wanted to be taller, but this is ridiculous!
Luigi: (laughs) And this tickle torture is not funny! (laughing)
Mario: I hate leaks! Somebody call me a plumber!
(Mouser comes down the stairs.)
Mouser: You are a plumber.
Toad: Luigi! I think I got a way to get us outta here! Hey, Mousigor!
Mouser: (walks over to Toad) Why, Toad, how you've grown!
(Luigi continues to laugh in the background.)
Toad: Please, Mr. Mousigor, I can't take any more!
Mouser: And I say you can!
(Mouser walks to the wheel on the table and turns it. Toad gets stretched taller.)
Toad: Whoa!
(Mouser keeps cranking until the mechanism breaks, and he goes flying into a wall.)
Toad: There's more than one way to trap a rodent.
(Apparently Mouser was knocked unconscious and Toad was able to unbolt his leg restraints and then do the same thing for Mario and Luigi, because then the camera fades to a room which Mario, Luigi, and Toad are right outside of. Inside, King Koopa is holding Princess Toadstool next to a coffin.)
King Koopa: Now, my dear, it's time to initiate you into the loyal brotherhood of tomato sauce vampires.
Princess Toadstool: Brotherhood? But I'm a girl!
(Outside, the others are listening.)
Mario: (turns to Toad) How do you stop a vampire?
Toad: A stake through the heart!
Mario: Top sirloin? Filet mignon?
Toad: (thinks for a second) Vampires hate garlic! That's why there's none in that tomato sauce the Goombas were making!
Mario: Good thinking, Toad. (reaches into his pocket) Eat this. (holds out a bulb of garlic)
(Mario eats some of the garlic, he chews it. Luigi eats some, he chews it annoyingly. Toad eats some.)
Toad: Yech! The things I do for Princess Toadstool.
(Princess Toadstool screams.)
Toad: Hurry! We gotta save her!
(Toad shoves the rest in his mouth and chews it. The three slide the door open and look in menacingly.)
Mario: (offscreen) Unhand her, fang face!
(Toad runs over the window and rips the curtain off. Sunshine streams in.)
King Koopa: Ah! Oh, I hate sunlight!
(King Koopa staggers over toward the coffin and Mario runs in front of him.)
King Koopa: Outta my way, plumb scum!
Mario: This garlic will put you out of the way.
(Mario breathes toward King Koopa. King Koopa starts coughing and acts he is in agony. King Koopa suddenly crashes into a wall as if he had been hit with a cannon and slides down. Then he somehow springs back up and crashes into the ceiling. He falls and smashes his coffin.)
Mario: He's having a coffin spell!
(King Koopa raises his arms, and in a puff of bright pink smoke, he becomes a bat-like turtle.)
King Koopa: I'll get you for this!
(King Koopa flies out through the window, breaking it.)
King Koopa: I'll be back, just you wait and see!
(All of a sudden, the entire castle starts shaking. The Mario Gang runs out the front door and across a tiny bridge, which collapses immediately. They run to a nearby hill, and the castle collapses.)
Toad: (laughs) Talk about bringing down the house!
(Later, they are walking along a thin strip of land, surrounded by hills and lush trees and an orange sky.)
Princess Toadstool: I'm sure glad to be saying ciao to Turtlevania.
Mario: Chow? That reminds me. (pulls out yet another white box from his overalls) It's chow time! I've got my spare cantellini!
(Mario opens the box, picks up a fork that is inside, and starts to eat.)
Luigi: Yo, my brother, the pasta vampire.
(Princess Toadstool and Toad laugh. Fades to black.)
Magician: Part 2[]
Luigi: Mario, watch this, you're not gonna believe this, forget about this trick. Are you ready?
Mario: Sure, good.
Luigi: Watch this now. Ooshee wooshee moose moose moose, bowl of oranges, now vamoose!
ding
Luigi: Yes! Wow, am I happy Blackstone taught me the magic words. This is fun!
Mario: Luigi, you gotta stop making things disappear. Soon, there won't be anything left.
Luigi: Oh, yeah? Let me ask you something. Who died and left you boss? What if I make you disappear, eh?
Mario: Oh, yeah? Go ahead. Let me see you do it.
Luigi: You want to... Ooh. You asked for it, Mr. Tough Guy, you sure?
Mario: Yeah, you and what army? Go ahead.
Luigi: What army. I'll show you what army. Don't be scared. You ready? Gooshie wooshee, moose moose moose, Mario will now vamoose!
ding
Mario: Oh, OK, good for you, Luigi, you made me disappear. Now, make me reappear.
Luigi: Uh-oh.
Mario: What do you mean uh-oh?
Luigi: Well, I'd tell you the truth, Mario, I've never bothered to learn how to make things, uh, come back.
Mario: What? Luigi, I'm gonna clog you!
Luigi: Ow! Oh! Ow! Hey, come on!
(After a Mario head transition...)
Mario: I don't care if I can get into movies free! Make me reappear!
Luigi: Will you just calm down and watch these scenes from the next Legend of Zelda? Ow! He's such a bad sport.
Magician: Part 3[]
Luigi: Mr. Blackstone, you gotta help me. I need help. I made Mario disappear.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Disappear? Luigi, didn't I warn you not to play around with those magic words?
Mario: I tried to remind him, Blackstone, but he wouldn't listen.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Now, this is no time for lectures. Luigi, I want you to repeat these words after me.
Luigi: Okay.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Ping ping pear.
Luigi: Ping ping pear.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Wing wing where.
Luigi: Wing wing where.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Make old Mario.
Luigi: Make old Mario...
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Reappear.
Luigi: Reappear?
Harry Blackstone Jr.: On a magician, not a poet.
Mario: I don't care if it rhymes.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Please.
Luigi: Please.
ding
Luigi: Oh!
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Ha ha ha ha!
Luigi: Mario, are you all right?
Mario: Yeah, no thanks to you. Thanks to Blackstone.
Harry Blackstone Jr.: Hey, no problem, boys. Well, have you learned the lesson, Luigi?
Luigi: Oh, yeah, I sure have, Blackstone. I mean, it really hurts when an invisible brother has a mean left hook.
Mario and Harry Blackstone Jr.: (laughs)
Luigi: What I said you gave me...
(Scene fades to a commercial bumper.)
Mario [voice-over]: Stick around, paisanos. We'll be right back.
Ending Segment[]
Luigi: 'Til next time, everybody!
Mario, Luigi, and Harry Blackstone Jr.: Do the Mario!
Luigi: Yo!