This is the transcript for Pooh's Adventures of Klaus.
Opening/Prologue[]
The scene pans over live-action houses.
- French Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club and host of Winnie the Pooh's Christmas Spectacular: Patchy the Pirate.
The exterior of Patchy's house is shown. The name "Patchy" appears. Inside, Patchy is wrapping presents.
- Patchy the Pirate: (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho. (notices he's on air) Oh! Hi! (waves) I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the SpongeBob SquarePants Fan Club and your host for Winnie the Pooh's Christmas Spectacular!
Patchy notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off. He pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye. He switches his patch over to the other eye.
- Patchy the Pirate: Hey, that's better!
Potty, a puppet bird on strings, flies in.
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
- Patchy the Pirate: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas.
Patchy limps over to the fireplace.
- Patchy the Pirate: And there ain't nothing better in the whole wide world than celebrating Christmas in the Hundred Acre Wood. It sure is a magical time of year. (he blows on his pipe, and bubbles emerge) Why, I'll bet old Pooh Bear and friends is gearing up for Santa Claus right now!
He picks up a picture of Pooh. Cuts to
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Now, Patchy is mixing cookie dough.
- Patchy the Pirate: I too am also preparing for Christmas. (he lifts up the mixer) Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! (he takes a lick) Mmm...
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Potty want cookie dough! (Potty flies over, squawking) Cookie!
- Patchy the Pirate: (ducks) Potty! No! (Potty flies back and forth)
- Potty the Parrot: Cookie! (squawks)
- Patchy the Pirate: Get out of here!
- Potty: the Parrot Cookie!
- Patchy the Pirate: Potty!
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Give us a lick!
- Patchy the Pirate: Back off, you flying freak!
Potty flies on the counter.
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Clarify please.
- Patchy the Pirate: This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots.
Cuts to Hans reaching over and ringing a bell.
- Patchy the Pirate: (looks out the window) What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
- Children: (off-screen) Free ice cream!
- Patchy the Pirate: (laughs) No, you silly livers. (sternly) No!
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Man overboard?
Patchy walks over to a desk.
- Patchy the Pirate: You, I'm ignoring. (he sits down) No, it's time to open fan letters!
Potty flies over with a letter in his beak.
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) Here you go!
- Patchy: (tugs at letter) Thank you, Potty. (Potty is not letting go) Yeah. Okay Potty, thank you! (Potty squawks, still not letting go) Come on, give it, you birdbrain! (Potty squawks some more) Quiet, infernal bird! (He uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's strings. Potty squawks and falls to the ground. Patchy nods) Hmm. (he sits back down) This letter comes to us from...
- Fish Head: (voiceover) Name and address withheld!
Patchy tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over. He pulls up his eye patch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up.
- Patchy the Pirate: And he writes, "Dear
- Fish Head: (voiceover) Name and address withheld!
Patchy gets up and takes off his glasses. Now his eye patch is back on.
- Patchy the Pirate: A very good question. But you know Santa wasn't always around for Christmas.
- Potty the Parrot: (squawks) He wasn't?
- Patchy the Pirate: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain.
Patchy pulls down Potty's strings. Potty falls to the ground, and a puppeteer falls down from above the set. Patchy hangs a homemade SpongeBob ornament on a Christmas tree. Zooms out, showing the entire tree, which is decorated with many similar SpongeBob, as well as ornaments featuring Patrick and Squidward, and a few gift boxes.
- Patchy the Pirate: There was a time when Santa never existed. (he snaps his fingers) Hey! Who wants to hear the story of how Pooh and friends helped a mailman start the legend of Santa Claus?
Cuts to Potty, who looks very drowsy and with bloodshot eyes.
- Patchy the Pirate: (turns around) Potty?
Patchy sees an empty bowl of cookie dough, accompanied by a foghorn noise.
- Patchy the Pirate: You ate all me cookie dough!
Potty is now incredibly fat. Potty's body and strings fall off, leaving only the bird's head.
- Potty the Parrot: Squ-ouch!
- Patchy the Pirate: (shrugs) Oh, well, on with the show.
Jesper, Pooh, and Friends Unveiled[]
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- Alva: (to Pooh and friends) You all knew, didn't you? You knew Jesper's toy delivery scheme was just so he could go home.
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- Winnie the Pooh: (tearfully) We were gonna tell you all, Alva...
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- Klaus: (bitter) Everybody’s out to get something, right?
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- Winnie the Pooh: We're ever so sorry, Jesper.
- Jesper: (heartbroken) No, Pooh, I'm sorry I should've listened to you guys.