This is the script for The Irelanders meets Shrek 2.
[The film begins with a book like the first film and opens by itself, it's pages turning as a male voice narrates like before]
Male Voice: Once upon a time in a kingdom far far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. Until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming!
[One of the pictures of a knight riding his horse becomes a real life event as they gallop through a forest then through snow capped mountains and a desert at sunset then night]
Male Voice: It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep.
[The knight shoots an arrow at the broken bridge to use as a zipline to the other side. Once there, he lands on the ground and heads into Dragon's castle. The knight then removes his helmet, revealing his identity as Prince Charming himself]
Prince Charming: For he was the bravest, and most handsome… [removes his hair net and shakes his hair in slow motion before returning to normal speed] in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss [sprays his mouth with breath freshener] would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her… [gasps]
[To Charming's shock, the Big Bad Wolf is laying in Fiona's bed reading a book. He looks at Charming]
The Big Bad Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess… Fiona?
The Big Bad Wolf: No!
Prince Charming: [sighs with relief] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she?
The Big Bad Wolf: She’s on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?!
[The scene changes to Shrek positioning an old movie camera. Once it's positioned correctly, he runs over to Fiona who waves before Shrek picks her up bridal style. They stand outside a gingerbread house inspired hotel before Shrek opens the door and tries to carry Fiona inside but him carrying her sideways makes it difficult. As Accidentally In Love starts playing in the background, they managed to break through the wall and Fiona picks a piece of candy out of her hair. She then puts it in Shrek's mouth and the door closes. Fireflies form the title "The Irelanders Meet Shrek 2". The scene then changes to the hotel as night changes to day. Shrek and Fiona shave their faces as Little Red Riding Hood skips up to their door and knocks. When Shrek and Fiona open the door, she screams and runs off terrified, dropping her food basket in the process. Shrek and Fiona look at the basket with delight and are soon on a beach. Fiona is about to eat a chicken wing but then throws it away and leaps onto Shrek for a kiss. A wave washes over them, revealing that Ariel the Little Mermaid is now kissing Shrek. Shrek opens his eyes to see Fiona drag Ariel away and toss her back into the water where sharks attack her. Fiona then glares at Shrek who looks sheepish. Later, the Seven Dwarves hand a ring they made to Shrek. However, the ring is still hot and he tosses it around before it flies through the air and lands on Fiona's finger. Shrek takes Fiona's hand and the words "I Love You" appear on the ring, much to Fiona's surprise and happiness. Later, Shrek and Fiona run through a field of sunflowers being chased by villagers with pitchforks. The villagers set a trap and wait as Shrek and Fiona run into view. Shrek's foot gets caught in the rope which yanks him into the air and dips him into mud. Fiona fights the villagers with her karate moves before heading over to Shrek, wiping some mud off his face and kissing him. A fairy is seen flying around but is caught in a jar by Shrek who puts it with others as he and Fiona share a mud bath. Shrek accidentally passes gas and looks sheepish at Fiona who does the same before they do it together. The fairies cough from the smell and wave it off. We cut to Shrek and Fiona stood in front of the moon kissing before the scene changes to their swamp as the song comes to an end]
Shrek: [sighs as he and Fiona head over to their house by the new Beware Ogres sign] It’s so good to be home.
[He picks up Fiona bridal style again as singing is heard from inside]
Shrek: Just you and me and…
[He hears the singing and opens the door to reveal Donkey and the Irelanders inside while Donkey is singing to himself]
Donkey: [sniffs] Two can be as bad as one…~
Shrek: Donkey? Irelanders?
Connor Lacey: Hey! Looks who's back!
Donkey: [gasps] Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How about a side of sugar for the steed?
Twilight Sparkle: How was your honeymoon?
Fiona: It was good thank you, Twilight.
Manny: It's been a long time since you got married.
Sulley: You must be Shrek and Fiona. James P Sullivan. Friends call me Sulley.
Varian: I'm Varian.
Lance Strongbow: Lance Strongbow, at your service.
Kiera: I'm Kiera though everybody calls me Angry.
Catalina: I'm Catalina.
Cassandra: I'm Cassandra.
Skalk: The name's Skalk.
Lorenzo: I am Lorenzo, the Lost Engine.
Beppe: And I'm Beppe, the Lost Coach.
Fiona: Nice to meet you all.
Shrek: Guys, what are you doing here?
Hiro: Oh, well, we just thought that we might do a little house-keeping while you were gone.
Shrek: Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants?
Donkey: Yeah, and feeding the fish!
Shrek: I don’t have any fish.
Fluttershy: You do now. We called that one Shrek and the other Fiona.
Mushu: That Shrek is a rascally devil.
Shrek: Look at the time. I guess you’d better be going.
Discord: Oh, come on. We've just come back here to do some catching up with you, Fiona and Donkey after so long and get to know our friends here too and you want us to leave now? (scoffs) Well, that's annoying specific.
Sunset Shimmer: Discord, we need to respect Shrek's privacy though he allows house guests now.
Donkey: Don’t you want to tell us about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Shrek: (groans in frustration)
Fiona: Actually, guys? Shouldn’t you be getting Donkey home to Dragon?
Donkey: Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately.
Chris Kratt: Yeah, so we thought we'd help Donkey move back in with you guys!
Varian: I find that surprising that Donkey's married to a dragon.
Smolder: Well, the thing is Varian, their relationship got kinda off to a bad start before now.
Heidi: How did it go?
Manny: Well, we first met her when she was chasing us through her castle because she thought we were intruders.
Mushu: Boy, you shoulda seen how mad she was.
Connor Lacey: But once Donkey started flirting with her and we found out she was a girl, Dragon started to develop a crush on him.
Kiera: Whoa. Didn't expect that coming.
Kion: Yeah, neither did we. We thought she was a monster to begin with but once we got to know her, we realized she wasn't so bad after all.
Clara: Well, you know what they say: "Never judge a book by its cover.".
Hiro: That is so true.
Catalina: Hopefully we'II get a chance to meet Dragon once she's cheered up.
Twilight Sparkle: Of course you will, Catalina. But I do wonder why she's so moody.
Aviva Corcovado: Well, whatever the reason, Twilight, I think it's best we leave her alone for a while.
Fiona: You know we’re always happy to see you, guys.
Shrek: But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together.
[There's silence as Donkey and the Irelanders smile and nod]
Shrek: Just with each other.
[Again, they just stare with blank smiles]
Irelanders: Oh. Right.
Donkey: Say no more, say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. We will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you!
Donkey: Yes, roomie?
Shrek: You're bothering me.
Sid: Yeah, what Shrek means that he and Fiona need their home to themselves and we need to give them some privacy to do their love business without any of us intrude. I know I would with Brooke.
Brooke: Oh, Sid, you're so thoughtful and considerate.
Donkey: Oh, OK. All right, cool. [heading out with the Irelanders] I guess uh… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so uh.... Maybe we’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.
Connor Lacey: Yeah, you two have your moment. See ya in a bit.
[They exit the house]
Shrek: They'll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember.
[Then as Shrek swings Fiona down to kiss her, he looks to see Donkey and the Irelanders watching]
Shrek: (accidentally drops Fiona) Guys!
Donkey: We know, we know! Alone! We're going! We're going. What do you want us to tell these other guys?
[He opens the door to show them that a group of royal trumpet players have arrived outside. One carries a scroll and walks in between them. One of the players starts playing Hawaii Five-O but the scroll carrier clocks him on the head, making him stop]
Messenger: Enough, Reggie. [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…" uh…"Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. aka Mom and Dad."
Fiona: Mom and Dad?
Shrek: Prince Charming?
Irelanders: Royal Ball?
Donkey: Can I come?
Shrek: We're not going.
Fiona, Donkey and Irelanders: What?!
Shrek: I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this?
Fiona: [chuckles] Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry. They gonna love you, too.
June: Yeah, Shrek. Fiona's parents may be a bit shocked by Fiona's appearance but I'm sure they won't mind.
Shrek: Yeah right, June. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club.
Fiona: Will you stop it? They’re not like that.
Shrek: Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
[The scroll carrier and his men leave offended]
Fiona: Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance.
Shrek: To do what, sharpen their pitchforks?
Fiona: No! They just want to give you their blessing.
Shrek: Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
Fiona: Well, if you want to be a part of this family, yes!
Shrek: And who says I want to be part of this family?
Fiona: You did! When you married me!
Martin Kratt: Yeah, Shrek, you said exactly that to Fiona after you broke her curse!
Shrek: Well, there’s some fine print for you, Martin!
Fiona: Ugh! So that’s it. You won’t come?
Shrek: Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going, and that’s final!
[Sometime later, Shrek is proven wrong as Fiona puts a suitcase on the back of their onion carriage which Donkey jumps on top of]
Donkey: Hey, come on, Shrek! We don’t wanna hit traffic!
Paxton: Yeah, let's get a move on!
[Shrek exits the house looking rather depressed]
Gingy: Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything.
Connor Lacey: Thanks, Gingy.
[Boo looks at Sulley sadly]
Sulley: Don't worry, Boo. We'll be back soon. These guys will take good care of you while we're gone. [hands her a toy version of himself] Here. It'll make it feel as if I'm right here with ya.
Boo: [giggles hugging the toy and runs after the fairytale creatures as they run into the house]
Blind Mouse: Hey, wait for me! [bumps into the door and collapses] Oof!
[As the fairytale creatures boogie inside while Boo sits on the chair hugging her toy, Shrek gets in the carriage and sadly looks back at his house as they head off]
Donkey: Alright! Hit it! [singing] Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Head ‘em up, move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide!~
Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Rawhide!~
Ride ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Head ‘em up! Move ‘em on! Rawhide!~
Knock ‘em out! Pound ‘em dead! Make ‘em tea! Buy ‘em drinks!~
Meet their mamas! Milk ‘em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw!~
[Sometime later, they pass a sign which says 700 miles to Away]
Donkey: Are we there yet?
[Later, they head through mountains as rain pours down]
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Fiona: Not yet.
[Later still, they travel through snowy mountains]
Donkey: Hey, are we there yet?
Fuli: Not even close.
[Later still, they head through a snowy forest]
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Connor Lacey: No, Donkey!
[Later still, they head down a rocky path between two cliffs]
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Manny: [sarcastically] Yes.
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek: No we are not!
Donkey: Are we there yet?
Shrek, Fiona and Irelanders: NO!!!
Donkey and Shrek: Are we there yet? Hey, that's not funny! Hey, that's really immature. See, this is why nobody likes ogres. All right. Your loss!
Donkey: I’m gonna just stop talking!
Kiera: About time!
Iago: I thought he'II never stop keep asking us are we there yet all the time!
Applejack: Guys, ease up. He may be talkative but he means well.
Donkey: But this is taking forever, Applejack. I mean, there ain't no in-flight movie or nothing.
Shrek: The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far… [softly] away.
Violet Parr: Which means that the kingdom is so very far away from where Shrek's swamp is.
Donkey: All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn BORED!
Connor Lacey: Well, try to think of something fun to do to keep yourself occupied.
Shrek: Yeah, find a way to entertain yourself.
[Silence ensues for a few minutes before Donkey sighs again then, brightening up, starts popping his lips much to Shrek, Fiona and the Irelanders' annoyance]
Shrek: For five minutes… Could you not be yourself for five minutes?!
[Silence ensues again for a moment before Donkey puts his lips very close to Shrek and pops again, causing him to finally give in]
Shrek: [shrieks] Are we there yet?
Fiona: [chuckles] Yes!
Donkey: Oh, finally!
Connor Lacey: And I can see the sign! Look!
[They approach the giant Hollywood sign designed Far, Far Away sign then pass a sign saying "Welcome to Far, Far Away". As they enter through the main gate, they look around in awe and amazement]
Donkey: Wow! It’s going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later! Pantyhose!
[Shrek looks out of the window and sees a sign which shows the Fairy Godmother point her wand at a sign which says "For all your Happily Ever Afters, Fairy Godmother"]
Shrek: We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.
[They stop at a crossing where a cleaner cleans the horses and the dwarf driving the carriage throws a coin to him before carrying on. Hundreds of townsfolk see the carriage and excitedly follow after them. Seeing Shrek's depressed expression, Fiona puts a comforting hand on his hand which makes him cheer up]
Donkey: Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. Swimming pools! Movie stars!
[They approach the castle where a huge crowd cheers while King Harold and Queen Lillian, Fiona's parents, watch with happiness. Fiona looks happily out of the window at her parents. A fanfare is played silencing the crowd as an announcer steps forward]
Announcer: Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband!!
[The crowd cheers again as Fiona looks at Shrek]
Fiona: Well, this is it.
King Harold: This it it.
Man: This it it.
Dove Man: This is it.
[The announcer opens the door and the Dove Man releases doves. But as Donkey, Shrek, Fiona and the Irelanders step into view, the crowd and a dove gasp at the sight of them and silence ensues for a second before a baby starts crying. Donkey looks around]
Violet Parr: You think?
Donkey: Uh, why don't you guys go ahead? I'll park the car.
[Donkey jumps into the carriage which drives off. Shrek takes Fiona's hand and they and the Irelanders begin making their way to Harold and Lillian]
Shrek: So… [chuckles] you still think this was a good idea?
Fiona: Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
King Harold: [softly] Who on earth are they?
Queen Lillian: [softly] I think that’s our little girl.
King Harold: That’s not little! That’s a really big problem. Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?
Queen Lillian: Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look…
Shrek: [softly] Happy now? We came. We saw them. [nervous chuckle] Now let’s go before they light the torches.
Fiona: They’re my parents.
Shrek: Hello? They locked you in a tower.
Ellie: Hey, that was for Fiona's own...
King Harold: Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home.
Queen Lillian: Harold, we have to be…
Shrek: Quick! While they’re not looking we can make a run for it.
Fiona: Shrek, stop it! Everything’s gonna be…
King Harold: A disaster! There is no way…
Fiona: You can do this.
Shrek: But I really...
King Harold: Really...
Queen Lillian: Really....
King Harold: Want...
Queen Lillian: Be...
All four: Here.
[They see they've reached each other and silence ensues before Fiona looks at her parents]
Fiona: Mom. Dad. [hugs them then turns to Shrek and the Irelanders] I'd like you meet my husband. Shrek. And these are our friends, the Irelanders.
Connor Lacey: (bows) Pleasure to make your acquaintance, your majesties.
Heidi: You'll have to excuse Shrek. He's not exactly one for these kind of things, if you get my meaning.
[Harold and Lillian give Shrek confused glances]
Shrek: Uh, well, it's... easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously]
[Harold and Lillian keep up their confused expressions. Shrek smiles sheepishly as the scene changes to everyone having dinner together that night. Shrek looks at Harold, who is glaring at him, then at his cutlery. He picks up an olive with his fingers and puts it in his mouth. Harold keeps up his glaring and Shrek smiles. Lillian swallows her food and Fiona zips a drink before letting out a rather loud burp before covering her mouth]
Fiona: (burps) Scuse me. (chuckles with Shrek)
Shrek: Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona?
[They laugh but Harold just glares at them]
Shrek: That's a good one. [sighs] I guess not.
Mike: Guess Harold doesn't find that very funny.
Sulley: Not to mention that burping's rude, even in royalty.
Raven Queen: Yep. Say, is it me or are we missing someone?
[Just then, they hear the sound of clattering coming from the kitchen]
Donkey: What do you mean not on the list? Don't tell me you don't know who I am! [bursts through the kitchen doors into the dining room] Hey, hey, hey! What's happening everybody? Thanks for waiting. You know, I had the hardest time finding this place.
King Harold: No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
Fiona: No, no, no! Dad! Dad! It's alright! It's alright! He's with us! He helped rescue me from the dragon!
Donkey: Yep, that's me! The noble steed! Hey, waiter, how about a bowl for the steed?!
Shrek: Oh, boy. [picks up a spoon and zips the soup from it]
Fiona: Um, Shrek!
Shrek: Yeah? [thinking Fiona's talking about table manners] Oh, sorry. [to Lillian] Great soup, Mrs. Q. Ha-ha. Mmm.
Fiona: No, no, no! Darling. [puts her hands in a bowl used for washing]
Shrek: Oh. [chuckles nervously]
Discord: Can humans really do that?
Elsa: Guess so, Discord.
Queen Lillian: So, Fiona, tell us about where you live.
Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. [chuckles] Don't you, honey?
Shrek: Oh, yes. [chuckles] It's in an enchanted forest, abundened in squirrels and cute little duckies and...
Donkey: What? [laughs] I know you ain't talking about the swamp!
King Harold: An ogre from a swamp. Oh, how original.
[Donkey starts eating the soup quickly]
Queen Lilian: Well, I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children.
[Both Shrek and Harold choke on their food and cough. Shrek coughs up a spoon he swallowed much to everyone's disgust]
Sunset Shimmer: That is gross.
Varian: I agree with you. Yuck.
Shrek: It's a bit early to be thinking about that isn't it?
King Harold: Indeed. I've just started eating.
Queen Lilian: Harold!
Shrek: What's that supposed to mean?
Fiona: Dad, it's great okay?
King Harold: Well, for his type, yes.
Shrek: My type?!
Diego: Watch what you say, old timer, or you'll find yourself in my mouth!
Donkey: Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
Chef: Dinner is served.
Donkey: Never mind. I can hold it.
Skalk: Didn't see that coming. Time to eat.
[Food is put in front of Harold and Shrek who glare at each other]
Chef: Bon appetite.
Donkey: Oh, Mexican food. My favourite.
Kiera: Wow. This is great food.
Kion: I agree.
Queen Lillian: Well, let’s not just sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in.
Donkey: Don’t mind if I do, Lillian.
King Harold: So, I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be…
Shrek: Ogres, yes!
Queen Lillian: Not that there’s anything wrong with that. [sternly to Harold] Right, Harold?
King Harold: Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young!
Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower!
Fiona: Shrek, please!
King Harold: I only did that because I love her.
Shrek: Oh, aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle.
King Harold: You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her father!
Aya: Shrek, your highness, please control your temper.
[Shrek and Harold start a food fight]
Queen Lillian: It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner.
Jimmy Z: You think? Cause right now, Shrek and Harold don't seem to be getting along very well.
[Shrek and Harold stand up and pull at a roasted pig which flies into the air]
Queen Lillian: [gasp] Harold!
King Harold: Fiona!
Queen Lillian: Harold!
[The pig lands on the table. Clearly upset by what has happened, Fiona storms out]
Fuli: Now look what you two did! You made her mad!
Lightning McQueen: I'll go talk to her, see if I can cheer her up. Lorenzo, Beppe, Heidi, Clara, Lofty, Thud, Dusty, Dottie, you're with me.
Lofty: Okay, McQueen.
[They head after Fiona. Fiona heads to her room and shuts the door. Lightning, Lorenzo, Beppe, Heidi, Clara, Lofty, Thud, Dusty and Dottie come in as she heads to the balcony]
Thud: Cheer up, lassie. I'm sure Shrek and your old man will get alonge eventually.
Fiona: But even if they did, Thud, I don't think that would change anything.
Heidi: I'm sure they didn't mean to upset you, Fiona.
Lorenzo: She's right. If only Harold should see that he shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
Beppe: Yeah. I wonder why he hates Shrek.
Dottie: You want my guess? Probably because of his stench.
Lofty: Whatever the reason, it wasn't okay for him to lash out at Shrek like that.
Dusty Crophopper: Yeah. Hopefully we'II find a way to help him accept Shrek as Fiona's husband and his son-in-law in the family.
Fiona: [sighs] I hope you're right, Dusty. [sobs]
[A tear falls on the railing and all of a sudden, bubbles appear and pop around them much to their surprise]
Clara: Are those... bubbles?
Thud: Aye. But where are they coming from?
Lightning McQueen: I think I know. Look.
[They look up to see the Fairy Godmother floating down to them in her own bubble]
Fairy Godmother: Your fallen tears have called to me~
So here comes my sweet remedy~
I know what every princess needs~
For her to live live happily~
[Fairy Godmother's bubble pops as she is startled by Fiona's appearance]
Fairy Godmother: Wah! Oh... oh my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all um... grown up. [chuckles]
Fiona: Um, who are you?
Fairy Godmother: Oh, sweet pea! I’m your fairy godmother.
Beppe: Fiona has a Fairy Godmother?
Heidi: Just like Cinderella?
Fairy Godmother: [shushes them, to Fiona] Now, don’t worry. I’m here to make it all better. With...just...a…
[singing] Wave of my magic wand!~
Your troubles will soon be gone!~
With a flick of the wrist and just a flash, You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash~
A high-priced dress made by mice no less~
Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress~
Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse~
Confide in your very own furniture friends~
We'll help you set a new fashion trend~
I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great~
The kind of gal the prince would date~
They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall…~
Mirror: "For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!"~
Fairy Godmother: A sporty carriage to ride in style~
Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle~
Banish your blemishes, tooth decay~
Cellulite thighs will fade away~
And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frisé!~
Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair~
Lipstick liners, shadows blush~
To get that prince with the sexy tush~
Lucky day, hunk buffet~
You and your prince take a roll in the hay~
You can spoon on the moon~
With the prince to the tune~
Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab~
Your prince will have rock-hard abs~
Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day~
Have some chicken fricassee!~
Nip and tuck, here and there~
To land that prince with the perfect hair~
Lipstick, liners, shadow, blush!~
[Everything stops and the furniture back off]
Fiona: [chuckles] Look… Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don’t need all this.
Fairy Godmother and furniture: [gasps]
Furniture: Fine. Be that way. We didn’t like you, anyway. Whatever.
[Just then, knocking is heard as the furniture move back to their positions in the room]
Shrek: Fiona? Fiona?
[Shrek, Donkey and the rest of the Irelanders push their way into the room]
Fairy Godmother and furniture: (gasp)
Donkey: Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
Fluttershy: Aw, he's so cute.
Captain Jake: Who's the fairy with you, guys?
Fiona: Oh, uh… Fairy Godmother, furniture… [giggles] I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek. And these are our friends, the Irelanders.
Fairy Godmother: Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen?
Fiona: Shrek is the one who rescued me.
Fairy Godmother: But that can’t be right!
Connor Lacey: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming? (chuckles)
Wendy: Very funny, Connor.
Shrek: Oh, great, more relatives!
Shira: Shrek, we've had enough fighting for one night thank you.
Fiona: Shira, she’s just trying to help.
Shrek: Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.
Donkey: Leaving? I don’t want to leave.
Fiona: When did you decide this?
Shrek: Shortly after arriving.
Buck: Except that we have to attend the celebration ball in two days. Getting here is a start.
Bob: Yeah, so if we leave now, it'll take even longer to get back.
Fiona: [to Fairy Godmother] Look, I, I’m sorry…
Fairy Godmother: No no no no, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… [hands her a card] happiness… is just a teardrop away.
Shrek: (grabs the card from her) Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy…
Fair Godmother: So I see. [laughs and flies out of the room into the carriage] Let’s go, Kyle.
[Kyle cracks his whip and the carriage flies off. Fiona, Donkey and the Irelanders glare at Shrek]
Fiona: Very nice, Shrek.
Shrek: What? I told you coming here was a bad idea.
Jiminy Cricket: You could’ve at least tried to get along with Fiona's father.
Shrek: Somehow I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing, cricket, even if I did want it.
Sunset Shimmer: Well, do you think it might be nice if somebody asked Fiona what she wanted?
Shrek: Sure. [to Fiona] Do you want me to pack for you?
Fiona: You're unbelievable!
Iago: You’re behaving like a…
Shrek: Go on! Say it!
Fiona and Iago: Like an ogre!
Shrek: Well, here’s a news flash for you! Whether you guys and Fiona's parents like it or not… I am an ogre!
Shrek: And guess what, guys? That’s not about to change.
[Fiona, clearly hurt by what Shrek has, ushers the Irelanders out of the room and follows. She stops and looks back at Shrek]
Fiona: The Irelanders and I have made changes for you, Shrek! Think about that. [exits the room, slamming the door behind her]
Donkey: That’s real smooth, Shrek. "I’m an ogre!" [mimics Shrek roaring]
[Shrek heads over to the door to listen to Fiona and the Irelanders on the other side]
Capper: Looks like things are going off at a bad start.
Jack Skellington: How dare Shrek treat us so shamefully?
Peaches: If you ask me, maybe he shouldn't have married Fiona in the first place!
Twilight Sparkle: Except that we've taught him that even ugly creatures like him can have happy endings, Peaches.
Manny: Yeah and besides, although I still get grumpy from time to time, my marriage to your mother are still perfect.
Ellie: That's true. If only Shrek could see it that way too.
Heidi: Well, I'm sure that we'II sort things out in the morning.
Julian: Yeah, I'm with ya, Heidi. Marriages do have ups and down but we sort them out in the end.
Kim Possible: True. We might as well get some sleep.
Connor Lacey: Yeah. We've got a busy day of preparing for the ball tomorrow.
Maisie Lockwood: But first let's comfort Fiona.
[On the other side, Shrek hears her crying and slumps against the door, regretting what he said. Up above, Harold has been listening]
King Harold: I knew this would happen!
Queen Lillian: You should! You started it!
Harold: I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean really, he's the ogre, not me.
Lillian: I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona’s choice.
Harold: Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this… this thing?
Lillian: Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold.
Lillian: Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were young? And oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond and… [Harold sighs, remembering] they were in bloom…
Harold: Our first kiss. It’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!
Lillian: Oh, stop being such a drama king.
Harold: Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse!
[The Fairy Godmother's carriage appears and she opens the door startling him]
Fairy Godmother: Hello, Harold.
Lillian: What happened?
Harold: Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I’ll just stretch it out here for a while.
[Harold shuts the doors]
Fairy Godmother: You'd better get in. We need to talk.
Harold: Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about… we make this a quick visit. What?
[A bulky man pushes Harold into the carriage]
Harold: [seeing another bulky man next to him as the first one sits next to him] Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha!
[Kyle cracks his whip and the carriage flies away]
Harold: So, what’s new?
Fairy Godmother: You remember my son, [looking at Charming who's sat next to her] Prince Charming?
Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
Prince Charming: [irritated] Oh, about 5 minutes ago, actually. [Raised tone] After I endured blistering winds! And scorching desert! Climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower– [cut off by his mother]
Fairy Godmother: Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to King Harold, using the same hostile tone Charming used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!
Harold: I mean, It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time.
Fairy Godmother: Stop the car!
[The carriage jolts to a halt]
Fairy Godmother: Harold. [the bulky men crack their knuckles and the window rolls down] You forced me to do something I really don’t want to do.
Harold: [looks scared, gasps] Where are we?
Female restaurant worker: Well, hi there. Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy! May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you’re happy. Er… okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili rings…
Prince Charming: Yeah, I’ll have the Medieval Meal.
Fairy Godmother: One Medieval Meal and, Harold… Curly fries?
Harold: No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
Harold: No, really, I’m fine.
Female restaurant worker: Your order, Fairy Godmother. And this comes with the Medieval Meal.
Fairy Godmother: [hands the axe to Charming] There you are, dear.
[The carriage flies away from the restaurant]
Fairy Godmother: You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part.
Harold: (sighs) Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter… [with her mouth full] but for your kingdom.
[The carriage arrives back at the palace and Harold is shoved onto the balcony]
Harold: What am I supposed to do about it?
[Fairy Godmother gives him the axe]
Fairy Godmother: Use your imagination.
[She shuts the door and the carriage flies away while Harold watches. At a dark place, the villains are gathered around, already joining forces with Fairy Godmother]
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: About time you and Charming got here, Fairy Godmother. Perhaps if you haven't heard already, I do not enjoy being kept waiting.
Fairy Godmother: My deepest apologies, your Ladyship. I know we should've gotten here sooner but [referring to Harold] a certain someone was trying my patience.
Hawk Moth: And we didn't know you two wanted Fiona for your purposes when we help Lord Farquaad with his plan to become king of Duloc by marrying her at the time.
Prince Charming: You mean, this Lord Farquaad so called sent the ogre to rescue Fiona before I could get there?
Queen Chrysalis: Yes in exchange to get his swamp back, until he ruins everything with those Irelanders and have that dragon gobbled him up.
Fairy Godmother: Well, if that Farquaad hadn't sent him in the first place, Charming would've succeeded.
Janja: Uh, perhaps so but we didn't know your plans at the time.
Azula: Yeah. You two need to forgive him and us for messing your plan at the time since he's an enemy of that ogre like you two if we brought him back to life sooner or later.
Cozy Glow: They do have a point.
Fairy Godmother: (sighs) I suppose you're right. But even so, Farquaad shouldn't have done that.
Prince Charming: As for those Irelanders you've told us about, they could be a problem.
Zach Varmitech: That's true. We'II think of something to get rid of them, especially those pesky Wild Rats.
Fairy Godmother: Wild Rats?
Donita Donata: Kratts. It's Wild Kratts. They come in green and blue. It's a pity. The boys can be stylish if they just let me give them a makeover.
Zach Varmitech: And there's Aviva too. She invents stuff. Well, she just got lucky sometimes. I'm the much better inventor.
Baron: I'm really glad that you bring me, Anthony, Gothel and Hans here to get revenge on those Irelanders, Rapunzel and Rider for defeating us many times.
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: It was our pleasure, Baron, apart from the spider bite effect on you.
Prince Hans: I've been waiting ages for my chance to take out Queen Elsa so that I can take over Arendelle as king again once I get Anna and her friends out of the way too.
Mother Gothel: I'm sure that we'II make those Irelanders pay for defeating us and Cassandra will have another reunion with me.
Kiburi: That's right. So, what did you ask the king to do to get rid of them and the ogre?
Fairy Godmother: I give him an axe and told him to use his imagination so that he can kill the ogre.
Storm King: Killing's good. I like killing. Um, what about the Irelanders?
Fairy Godmother: Well, we'II have them detained for you guys and to ensure that they don't ruin my plans for the kingdom.
Reirei: Sounds good to me.
Mzingo: I think me and my parliament should fly after the king to make sure he does the job.
Prince Charming: Well, it would help to have an eye in the sky.
Fairy Godmother: You have my permission. Off you go.
[Mzingo and his parliament flies off]
Vincent: So, what shall we do in the meantime?
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: For now, Vincent, we wait.
Fairy Godmother: Yes, we need to give Harold time to see if he can actually do it.
Mother Gothel: They're right, boys. All good things come to those who wait.
[She grins evilly. The scene changes to bats hanging from the branches of a bare tree as Harold in a cloak and hood rides a horse to the Poison Apple Inn. He gets off and heads over to the door. He knocks and a Cyclops opens the door]
Cyclops: Oh… uh, come on in, Your Majesty.
[Harold enters the Inn where various fairytale villains are hanging out while Captain Hook plays a piano]
Captain Hook: I like my town~
With a little drop of poison~
[Harold walks up to the bar counter where the Headless Horseman pours a drink down his neck and burps it out]
Harold: [clears throat] Excuse me. [sees a female frog next to him]
Female Frog: Do I know you?
Harold: No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister. [the bartender turns revealing herself to be one of the two Ugly Stepsisters Doris herself] Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of.
Doris: Who’s the guy?
Harold: Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… He’s an ogre.
Fairytale Villains: (gasps)
Doris: Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don't like to be disturbed.
Harold: Where could I find him?
[Later, Harold enters a dark room]
[Puss in Boots who is hidden in the shadows opens his eyes]
Puss In Boots: Who dares enter my room?
Harold: Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an ogre problem?
Puss In Boots: You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money.
Harold: Would… [tosses a bag of coins in front of Puss] this be enough?
[Puss stands up and draws his sword, which startles Harold. He uses it to cut the bag open and is pleased]
Puss In Boots: You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
[The scene changes to Fiona's bedroom where everyone is asleep apart from Shrek. The song I Need Some Sleep plays as he look up at the picture of a handsome man on the roof of Fiona's bed and sits up. He rubs his eyes before heading over to the window and looking at the Far, Far Away sign. He glares at it and heads over to the fire to warm up. He then sees action figures of himself, Charming, Fiona and Dragon on the shelf above the fire and looks puzzled at them. He picks up the Fiona doll which activates]
Fiona Doll: Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[Shrek puts the Fiona doll down and sees a box on a table nearby. Puzzled, he heads over to it and tries to open it, but music plays and he quickly shuts it before looking at Fiona and the others. Fiona stirs but remains asleep as do the Irelanders. Shrek looks relieved and goes to open the box again. This time he does it quickly and takes out Fiona's diary. He starts to read the entries inside as Fiona voices them over]
Fiona's voice: Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we’ll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[Shrek looks shocked as he realizes why Fiona kept rejecting him when they first met. Just then, there's a knock at the door which startles him. He puts the book back in the box and answers the door to find King Harold standing there]
Harold: Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
Shrek: No, no. I was just reading a, uh… a scary book.
Harold: I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.
Harold: I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over…
Shrek: Look, Your Majesty, I just…
Harold: Please. Call me Dad.
Shrek: Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.
Harold: Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you and your friends might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona.
[Shrek looks at Fiona and the Irelanders who are asleep and nods]
Harold: Shall we say, 7:30 by the old oak?
[The scene changes to the next morning as Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders walk through the forest]
Shrek: Face it, guys, we're lost!
Donkey: We can't be lost! We followed the King's instructions exactly! What did he say? Head to the deepest darkest part of the woods.
June: Past the sinister trees with those scary looking branches.
Mushu: Yeah. And there's that bush that's shaped like Shirley Bassey!
Shrek: We've passed that bush three times already!
Connor Lacey: Shrek, you were the one that said you didn't want to stop and get directions!
Sid: Just like Diego who doesn't need directions. (chuckles)
[Diego glares at Sid]
Shrek: Great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you lot!
Donkey: Hey, you don't have to get all huffy with us! We're only trying to help.
Shrek: I know! I know. [sighs and calms down] I’m sorry, all right?
Donkey: Hey, don’t worry about it.
Thorn: We understand that you're just stressed.
Chris Kratt: But don't worry. We'II help you and Harold have some quality time as father-son so that you two will get along much better.
Martin Kratt: Yeah. Like a talking cat would say, everything's gonna turn out purrfect.
[Chris thumbs up]
Shrek: I just really need to make things work with this guy.
Donkey: Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with daddy.
[As they head on, someone watches them from a tree branch and a purring noise can be heard. Shrek hears it and looks at Donkey and the Irelanders]
Shrek: Well, well, well, guys. I know it was kinda a tender moment back there. But the purring?
Donkey: Hey, what are you talking about? We ain't purring.
Capper: Yeah and even though I'm a cat, there ain't no way I'm purring.
Shrek: Oh, sure, Capper. What's next? A hug?
Aviva Corcovado: [to herself] That purring sounds oddly familiar.
Donkey: Hey, Shrek, donkeys, humans and other things that aren't cats don't purr. What do you think we are? Some kind of...
[Puss lands in front of them and draws his sword]
Puss In Boots: Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! [hisses]
Shrek: Oh, look, a little cat.
Connor Lacey: Wait, I think I remember you from somewhere.
Dora: Hey, you're Puss in Boots. The cat we've helped defend San Ricardo and San Lorenzo from bad guys many times before.
Donkey: Look out, guys! They got a piece!
Shrek: It's a cat, Donkey!
Buck: Yeah, Donkey. It's just our friend, Puss. Nothing to worry about.
Shrek: Come here, little kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. [Puss puts his sword and came on the ground and bounds toward Shrek] Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty.
[Puss brings out his claws, causing Shrek to look shocked. Puss then grabs Shrek's leg causing him to scream in pain and terror much to the shock and horror of Donkey and the Irelanders who run over to help]
Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! We're coming!
Shrek: Whoa! Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh...
Puss: (hisses and meows as he continues to attack Shrek)
Shrek: No! (screams as Puss digs his claws in his leg)
Heidi: Puss, stop it! He means no harm!
Donkey: Look out, Shrek!
Shrek: Get it off!
Donkey: Hold still! Shrek, hold still! [kicks Shrek between the legs in an attempt to stop Puss]
Shrek: [groans in pain]
Captain Jake: Ooh, that look like it hurt.
Donkey: Did I miss?
Shrek: No. You got him.
[Puss flies through Donkey's ears, spins through the air and lands in his boots. He picks up his sword and puts his hat back on]
Puss: Now, ye Ogre, pray for mercy from [cuts a P into the tree trunk] Puss... in Boots.
Shrek: [growls] I'll kill that cat!
[Suddenly, Puss gags and coughs which the Irelanders, Shrek and Donkey look confused at before he eventually coughs up a hairball and looks at them sheepishly]
Puss: [chuckles] Hairball.
Donkey: Oh! That is nasty!
Koki: I think I'm gonna be sick.
[Lofty picks Puss up with his hook]
Lofty: What was that for?!
Maisie Lockwood: Yeah, Puss! We thought you were our friend!
Shrek: What do you reckon we should do with him?
Donkey: Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment.
Puss: Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…
Shrek: (putting a finger to Puss' mouth cutting him off) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this?
Puss: The rich king? Si.
[Sunset puts a hand on Puss' head and her eyes flash white as she viewed Harold gives Puss a bag of gold and his occupation as a ogre assassin]
Sunset Shimmer: He's right, you guys. Puss has become an ogre assassin and Harold paid him to kill Shrek which means Harold tricked Shrek when he said he wanted to fix things.
Connor Lacey: Ugh! Why is Harold so against Shrek and Fiona being together?
Discord: Beats me but it looks like Puss doesn't know that Shrek is a good ogre when he become an assassin.
Violet Parr: Puss, look, Shrek may seem like a monster but deep down he's really a nice guy.
Puss: Oh. My apologies, amigos.
[Shrek drops Puss and looks sad at the fact that Harold tricked him into almost getting killed]
Shrek: (sighs) Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing.
Dash Parr: Don't worry, Shrek. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek: Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
Puss: Si. That's what the King said.
[Donkey and the Irelanders glare at Puss]
Diego: No one asked you, Whiskers!
Puss: Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
Fuli: Well, it wasn't, so stay out of this!
Chris Kratt: (to Shrek) Prince Charming or not, Shrek, you're her true love.
Martin Kratt: Yeah, she knows you'd do anything for her.
Donkey: They're right, Shrek. You would do anything for Fiona.
Shrek: Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. [realizing something] Hold the phone. [takes out the card Fairy Godmother gave Fiona and turning it over] "Happiness, a teardrop away.". Donkey! Guys! One of you! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
Donkey: Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway?
Dora: It's a decorated figure of an animal containing toys and sweets that is suspended from a height and broken open by blindfolded children as part of a celebration in Mexico.
Shrek: Dora's right. But Donkey, I need you to cry.
Melody: Now, why on Earth do you want him to do that?
Donkey: The kid's got a point. Don’t go projecting on me. I know you’re feeling bad, but you got to… [Puss steps on his hoof] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of…
[Donkey cries a single tear onto the card which produces a bubble in which the Fairy Godmother appears]
Fairy Godmother: What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I’m either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we’ll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a "happy ever after."
[The bubble disperses]
Lance Strongbow: Ah, so a teardrop makes the bubble appear. Very smart, Shrek.
Shrek: Are you up for a little quest, guys?
Connor Lacey: Are you kidding? The Irelanders are up to anything.
Donkey: That’s more like it! Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders on another whirlwind adventure! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now!~
We’re on the move!~
Puss: Stop, ogre! Amigos! I have misjudged you.
Shrek: Join the club. We've got jackets.
Puss: On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your lives as you have spared me mine.
Crash: After what you did to Shrek, I don't think so.
Eddie: Yeah. [gesturing to Donkey] The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.
Donkey: The possums are right. Let's go, Shrek!
[But Shrek is walking over to Puss]
[Shrek and the Irelanders look at Puss who is looking at them with big sad pleading eyes which Shrek smiles at]
Shrek: Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him… in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Let’s keep him!
Donkey: Say what?
[Shrek and the Irelanders copy Puss and Donkey gives in]
Donkey: [groans in annoyance]
Shrek: Aw, listen, he's purring.
Aviva Corcovado: How can we stay mad at Puss after he's apologized and with those cute big eyes?
Donkey: Oh, so now it's cute?
Shrek: Oh, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Donkey: Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
[Back in Fiona's bedroom, the dog licks Fiona's face causing her to giggle]
Fiona: (giggles) Shrek!
[She wakes up and finds the dog in her face]
Fiona: (sitting up and looking around) Shrek? Guys?
[She gets out of bed and finds her diary on the table and picks it up. Outside]
Lillian: They’re both festive, aren’t they? What do you think, Harold?
Harold: Um… Yes, yes. Fine. Fine.
[He walks off. Lillian sighs and follows]
Lillian: [sighs] Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball.
Harold: Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?
[Fiona arrives on the steps behind them]
Fiona: Mom. Dad.
Lillian: Oh, hello, dear.
Harold: What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming.
[He runs off as Fiona comes over]
Fiona: Mom, have you seen Shrek and the Irelanders?
Lillian: I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning.
Cedric: Can I help you, Your Majesty?
Harold: Ah, yes! Um… [tastes the food in the pot] Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish?
Cedric: That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty.
Harold: Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric.
Fiona: Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek and the Irelanders?
Harold: No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night.
Fiona: Oh. You heard that, huh?
Harold: The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be… well, a bit of a brute.
Fiona: Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon.
Harold: Well, what did you expect? Look at what he’s done to you.
Fiona: Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me.
Harold: Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe, you should do the same.
[Harold walks off leaving Fiona looking sad. Back in the forest, as Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders walk along, Puss whispers something to Shrek and the Irelanders as Donkey glares watching them]
Shrek: No. Really?
The Mask: I think Donkey's getting jealous of Puss.
Raven Queen: Yeah. Look at him eye-ing us back there.
[Puss continues to whisper. They then stop upon seeing something]
[Before them is a huge factory with multicoloured smoke coming out of the chimneys]
Donkey: Oh, no. That’s the old Keebler’s place. Let’s back away slowly.
Brooke: Don't be ridiculous, mate. That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage.
Puss: The sloth senorita is right. She’s the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
Iago: A factory behind a cottage? That is weird if you ask me.
Kion: Actually, I think Puss means the factory is inside the cottage, Iago.
Marinette/Ladybug: Yeah, but still though, how is that even possible?
Paxton: Who knows? It's a mystery.
Shrek: Then why don’t we pop in there for a spell, Paxton? Ha-ha! Spell!
Puss: [laughing] He makes me laugh.
[They enter the reception where an elf named Jerome is writing a cheque]
Shrek: Hi. I’m here to see the…
Jerome: The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she's not in.
Fairy Godmother: (on P.A.) Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!
Jerome: (sighs) Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. (to the gang) Look, she’s not seeing any clients today, OK?
Connor Lacey: Oh, that's OK, buddy. We're from the Union.
Jerome: The Union?
Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Jerome: Oh! Oh, right.
Manny: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome: (turning the P.A. away) Uh… a little. We don’t even have dental.
Shrek: (to the others) They don’t even have dental. Okay, we’ll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother didn’t know we were here. Know what I’m saying? Huh?
Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?
Shrek: Stop it.
Jerome: (hushed) Of course. Go right in.
[They enter the factory where suited elves go about testing potions and machines]
Skalk: Would you look at that?
Mike: Now that's what I call a factory.
Star Swirl: Puss wasn't kidding about this.
Sulley: Hey, guys, look over there.
[They see coloured lights flash in the doorway ahead of them. They head into it and shield their eyes from the light as they enter a room where the Fairy Godmother is making a love potion]
Fairy Godmother: A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of… lust! [laughs]
Shrek: Excuse us.
Fairy Godmother: (gasps)
Shrek: Sorry to barge in like this…
Fairy Godmother: What in Grimm’s name are you doing here?
Gertie: Well, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy.
Fairy Godmother: Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some question as to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? [flies over to a book shelf] Ah. P, P, P… Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. "Lived happily ever after." Oh… [laughs] No ogres! Let’s see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman… No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don’t live happily ever after.
Shrek: All right, look, lady!
Fairy Godmother: Don’t you point… those dirty green sausages at me!
[Shrek and the Fairy Godmother glare at each other just as an elf comes in]
Elf: Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry.
Heidi: Ah… that’s okay. We were just leaving.
Shrek: Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
Fairy Godmother: Just… go.
Shrek: Come on, guys.
[They exit the room. Later an elf pushes a trolley past a door when Shrek's hand pulls him inside. Soon, Shrek, wearing the elf's suit as a disguise pushes the trolley through the factory looking around]
Shrek: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac?
[Shrek pushes the trolley into the potion room and opens it. Puss, Donkey and the Irelanders are hiding inside]
Donkey: Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks!
[Shrek yanks them out and takes off the suit]
Puss: You don’t exactly smell like a basket of roses.
Violet Parr: Yeah, was kinda tight in there.
Iago: Yeah, we can barley breathe in there, especially when we get squeezed by fat animals.
Manny: How many times must I say it?! I'm not fat! It's all this fur! It makes me look poofy!
Peaches: (sighs) Why do people keep saying that on our adventures?
Mako: Beats me, Peaches.
Connor Lacey: But at least we're out of there now.
[They look at the vast variety of potions]
Shrek: Well, one of these has got to help.
Elsa: Yeah, if we find the right one.
Puss: I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one.
Donkey: Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call. Guys, this is a bad idea.
Stephen: Relax, Donkey, we'll just grab a potion and skidaddle and it'll be like we were never here. Simple.
Lance: Yep, and with former thieves like me and the girls helping out,
Shrek: Yeah. So, look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top?
Puss: No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Varian: And to think he doesn't steal things any more after our adventures with him.
Buzzie: I think he only steals when necessary.
Aisling: Even so, Buzzie, if Shrek wants him to then we have to let him. Besides, he's putting his thieving skills to good use.
Donkey: Guys, are you all off your nuts?
Mushu: Hey, didn't Shrek tell you to keep watch?
Donkey: Keep watch? Yeah, I’ll keep watch. I’ll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I’ll laugh, too. I’ll be giggling to myself.
Shrek: [to Puss] What do you see?
Puss: Toadstool softener?
Donkey: I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems.
Catalina: Donkey, quit it with the grudge already will you?
Kiera: Yeah. Puss knows what he's doing.
Puss: Elfa Seltzer?
Puss: Hex Lax?
Shrek: No! Try "handsome."
Puss: Sorry. No handsome. [climbs higher and sees a bottle labelled Happily Ever After] Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?
Shrek: Well, what does it do?
Puss: It says "Beauty Divine."
Zazu: (flying up to Puss and look at the potion) Wow. Looks like that's what we're looking for. We'll show that Fairy Godmother ogres can live happily ever after.
Donkey: In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of all creatures. Especially us talking ones.
Shrek: [gasps] Donkey!
[Jerome and an elf, who have been talking outside, see them and run in different directions as Donkey realizes his mistake]
Shrek: That’ll have to do. We’ve got company.
[Puss uses a claw to a circle in the glass. He licks his paw and uses it as a suction cup to get the glass out]
Donkey: Can we get on with this?
[Puss grabs the Happily Ever After bottle and struggles to pull it out. Due to the hole being so small the glass starts to crack]
[Puss pulls harder and the glass wall containing other potions breaks causing him and the bottle to plummet. Luckily, Donkey jumps and catches the bottle in his mouth before it hits the ground]
Donkey: Whoa! [catches the bottle in his mouth]
Shrek: Nice catch, Donkey!
Puss: Finally! A good use for your mouth.
[But the celebration is short-lived as bottles smash around them, setting an alarm off as the song Ever Fallen In Love starts playing in the background. Shrek sees a shutter closing]
Shrek: Come on!
[Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders duck under the shutter and make it out just in time but Puss loses his hat but manages to grab it just as the shutter closes. Shrek grabs his paw and they make for the entrance but are blocked by archers who shoot arrows at them. They jump onto the machines to get away. One machine spins them around and around until they end up on a barrel filled with a pink potion which they tip over, making the guards and elves run. They grab a zipline and watch as elves and swans are turned into candelabras, clocks, humans and doves by the potion. They land on a walkway as Shrek catches the bottle after Donkey drops it and they eventually escape just in time. Later, Fairy Godmother is talking to some doves about the mess]
Fairy Godmother: I don’t care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up!
Doves: Yes, Godmother.
Fairy Godmother: And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!
[Prince Charming and the villains come in]
Prince Charming: Mother!
Fairy Godmother: Charming. Sweetheart. This isn’t a good time, pumpkin. Mama’s working.
Eris: Whoa, what happened here?
Fairy Godmother: The ogre and the Irelanders, Eris, that's what.
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: What?!
Prince Charming: Where are they, Mom? I shall rend their heads from their shoulders! I will smite them where they stand! They will rue the very day they stole my kingdom from me!
[A dove poops on his shoulder]
Fairy Godmother: Oh, put it away, Junior! You’re still going to be king. We’ll just have to come up with something smarter.
Anthony the Weasel: Yeah, but what exactly that might be is the question.
Mzingo: Well, when me and my parliament are following the king to the Poison Apple, he hired an old enemy of ours to kill the ogre, though they ended up friends.
Cozy Glow: They call him Puss in Boots.
Zach Varmitech: Puss in Boots? That boot wearing cat that we've encountered a few times before?
Reirei: Yep. The very same, Zach. I can't believe that he's back again after so long.
Ronno: Ugh, when I see that kitty, I'm gonna ram him with my trusty antlers.
Prince Hans: I hear he's a good swordsman. Let's see how he handles fighting a Prince.
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: Hold your horses, you two. Not until we come up with a plan.
Jerome: (flying over with a clipboard) Pardon. Um… Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.
Fairy Godmother: (takes the clipboard from him) What? (reads it and realizes what he's talking about, getting an idea) Oh… I do believe we can make this work to our advantage.
[Meanwhile, Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders walk along]
Shrek: "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. "If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. "Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
Donkey: You both will be fine?
Gavin: What's that supposed to mean?
Shrek: I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too.
[He uncorks the bottle]
Donkey: Hey, man, this don’t feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o’ voodoo and let’s get out of here.
Shrek: It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be?
[He sniffs the potion and sneezes some of it onto a toad stool]
Donkey: See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll have a reaction. And if you think that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
Connor Lacey: Donkey, relax. Maybe it's best if we test the potion first. See if it's safe.
Puss: Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
Donkey: Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle.
[Donkey snatches the bottle from Shrek and nearly chugs it all down but Shrek grabs it back]
Shrek: How do you feel?
Donkey: I don’t feel any different. I look any different?
Puss: You still look like an ass to me.
[Donkey glares at Puss]
Emma: Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys.
Shrek: Well, here’s to us, Fiona.
Donkey: Shrek? You drink that, there’s no going back.
Shrek: I know.
Applejack: No more wallowing in the mud?
Shrek: I know.
Connor Lacey: No more itchy butt crack?
Shrek: I know.
Donkey: But you love being an ogre!
Shrek: I know! [sighs] But I love Fiona more.
[Shrek guzzles the rest of the potion down]
Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!
[Shrek finishes drinking and his belly starts to rumble. Puss, Donkey and the Irelanders duck for cover behind a log as the pressure builds in Shrek's belly but he farts shortly afterwards]
Donkey: [recoils in disgust] Got to be… I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
Rarity: Ugh! You're not kidding.
Puss: Maybe it’s a dud.
Shrek: Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
[Suddenly, thunder is heard and they see clouds covering the sky]
Donkey: Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I’m melting! I’m melting!
Shrek: It’s just the rain, Donkey.
Donkey: [chuckles] Oh.
Connor Lacey: We'd better find shelter for the night.
[They head off. Unbeknownst to anyone, the toad stool glows and turns into a red rose. Later, they run through the rain and eventually find a barn which they take shelter in. Shrek looks at the castle in the distance]
Manny: Poor guy.
Sunset Shimmer: I really don't get it. That potion should've worked.
Varian: Maybe it needs to work in a few minutes or something.
Smolder: If you say so, Varian.
[Shrek hangs his head sadly then looks at Donkey and pets him on the head before looking back at the castle]
Donkey: Don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Donkey: lt’ll be better in the morning. You’ll see… The sun’ll come out… tomorrow~ [yawns] Bet your bottom…
Shrek and Irelanders: Bet our bottoms?
Donkey: I’m coming, Elizabeth! [passes out]
Shrek: Donkey? [starting to feel dizzy himself] Are you all right?
Connor Lacey: Oh, boy. I think the potion is starting to kick in.
Twilight Sparkle: The water must be making it work.
Lance: Oh, really, Professor Pony? How'd you figure that out?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, Lance, because of all the rain obviously.
Sid: Yeah, you ever notice how all these rain clouds showed up once Shrek and Donkey drank the potion?
Aviva Corcovado: Hmm. Interesting.
Puss: Hey, boss. Let’s shave him.
Shrek: D-Donkey? [groans and passes out]
[Back in the castle, Harold and Lillian are sitting in armchairs when Fiona comes in]
Harold: There you are! We missed you at dinner.
Lillian: [noticing Fiona looks upset] What is it, darling?
Fiona: Dad… I’ve been thinking about what you said. And I’m going to set things right.
Harold: Ah! Excellent! That’s my girl.
Fiona: It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I’m going to go out and find him. And then we’ll go back to the swamp where we belong.
[She starts to head out, grabbing a suitcase on the way]
Lillian: Fiona, please!
Harold: Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere right now.
[Fiona opens the doors but then starts to feel woozy and suddenly passes out. Harold and Lillian rush over to help her]
Harold and Lillian: Fiona!
[Back in the barn, Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders are asleep while Puss is dusting his hat off. We cut to outside the barn to see pink light flash from inside. Back with Harold and Lillian, they've put Fiona in her bed. They look at her sadly for a moment before heading out. As we pan out of the castle, the same pink flash from before happens. The screen then fades to black for a second before cutting to the next morning where Shrek is regaining consciousness as three girls look at him, one in particular laying next to him]
Girls: Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.
Girl: Good morning, sleepyhead.
Shrek: (yelps as he sits up)
Girls: Good morning!
Girl: (hugging Puss and patting Pinkie on the head) We love your kitty and ponies.
Pinkie Pie: Aww. Thanks.
Shrek: Oh… My head…
Girl: Here, I fetched a pail of water.
Shrek: Thanks. (see his now human hands) Uhh! (takes the pail from the girl and looks in it to see his now human face) Aahh! (drops the pail and we see he's transformed into a handsome young man) Oh… [examines his new, human body] A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks?! I’m… I’m…
Girls: Gorgeous! I’ll say. I’m Jill. What’s your name?
Shrek: Um... Shrek.
Jill: Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?
Girls: You’re tense. I want to rub his shoulders. I got it covered. I don’t have anything to rub. Get in line.
Kiera: (wolf-whistles) Guess the potion worked after all.
Jimmy Z: Tell me about it. Shrek got a hot new look.
Connor Lacey: Wow! Look at his muscles.
Fuli: Too bad his clothes are too big for him now though.
Shrek: Have you seen my donkey?
Donkey: Who are you calling donkey?
[Everyone looks to see Donkey, now a tall handsome white stallion, in the door way posing in the sunlight]
Shrek: Donkey? You’re a…
Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies] I can canter. Look at me, guys! I’m trotting! That’s some quality potion. What’s in that stuff?
Spike: Says the donkey who thought that something terrible was gonna happen if Shrek drank it.
Puss: [mimicking Donkey to prove Spike's point] "Oh, don’t take the potion, Mr. Boss, it’s very bad." Pah! [picks up the bottle and reads the label] "Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with… nervous disorders."
Donkey: I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah! (notices everyone looking at him with confused glances) What?
Rarity: Oh, nothing, darling. Your coat is white just like mine.
Catalina: And you're nearly look like Max the horse back in Corona.
Donkey: Well, if you see him, tell him his new stallion friend says hi.
Puss: Señor? Amigos? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love’s kiss by midnight."
Shrek: (grabs the bottle) Midnight? Why is it always midnight?
Capper: I don't know, y'all but I guess that's just the way it is.
Girls and Jill: Pick me! I’ll be your true love! I’ll be your true love. I’ll be true… enough.
[They all try to kiss Shrek, who backs away]
Shrek: Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
Girls and Jill: Oh…
Korra: But take it from us, Shrek, you're gonna have one satisfied Princess.
Donkey: And let’s face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you’re the same old mean, salty…
Shrek: Easy. Alright then.
Donkey: …cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been.
Shrek: And you’re still the same annoying donkey.
The Mask: (in Genie's LA voice) The potion made you look like a human on the outside. It didn't change anything on the inside.
Connor Lacey: Yep. There's nothing on the label that says about changing who you are inside.
Shrek: (sighs) Well… Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me.
[His pants then fall down]
Donkey: First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.
Girls and Jill: (gasps)
Irelanders: Ew! (groans of disgust while shielding their eyes)
[Later, a carriage is being pulled through the woods. Puss, Shrek, Donkey and the Irelanders peek out from behind a wall]
Puss, Donkey and Irelanders: Ready.
[They duck back out of sight. The carriage carries on but then jolts as it runs over something]
Man: Driver, stop!
[The carriage stops and the man gets out. He heads over to Donkey, who's laying on the ground, pretending to have been run over]
Donkey: Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I’m blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again?
Man: You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you?
Donkey: Well, I guess there is one thing.
Puss: (coming out from behind Donkey and draws his sword) Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers.
[The man does so and seconds later, Shrek is wearing the clothes and putting the wig on]
Puss: Not bad.
Donkey: Not bad at all.
[However, the clothes are too small for Shrek which make most of his body parts show]
Puss, Donkey and Irelanders: (laughing)
Rarity: I think you need to find some bigger clothes, darling.
Young Man: Father? Is everything alright, Father?
[He sees the gang, who smirk at him and he retreats inside. Later, Shrek is wearing the young man's clothes while sitting on Donkey with Puss and the Irelanders waving goodbye]
Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget.
Donkey: (whinnies and gallops away, throwing Puss off as he goes)
Puss: (shouts angrily in Spanish)
[They arrive back in Far, Far Away. After making sure the coast is clear, Shrek and Puss spy their reflections in a window and admire themselves as the song Changes plays in the background. Shrek salutes to some woman and Donkey sways his new white mane back and forth before galloping on toward the castle. They arrive at the palace doors where two guards stand]
Shrek: Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her.
[One of the guards heads in and the camera pans up to Fiona's bedroom window. We pan inside to see Fiona waking up. She heads to the bathroom to wash her face. She pours some water, takes a towel and rubs her face with it. However, when she removes it and looks in the mirror, she finds she's turned back into her human form, much to her horror]
Shrek: [hears her] Fiona!
Fiona: [hears him] Shrek?
[Shrek runs inside, worried Fiona is in danger. Inside, he runs up some stairs but doesn't see Fiona run behind him, looking for him]
[Shrek runs into Fiona's bedroom to find a cloaked figure standing in front of the window]
[The figure stays silent. Shrek is puzzled before the figure throws the cloak off, revealing to be the Fairy Godmother, much to Shrek's shock and confusion]
Fairy Godmother: Hello, handsome.
[Outside, Fiona runs up to Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders while looking for Shrek]
Fiona: Donkey? Guys?
Donkey: Wow! That potion worked on you, too?
Fiona: What potion?
Beshte: Well, it's kind of a long story. But Shrek and Donkey drank a Happily Ever After potion...
Donkey: And, well, now... we're sexy!
Connor Lacey: And that's not all.....
[He points to Puss on Donkey's back. Fiona looks at him]
[Puss stops licking himself and looks at Fiona charmingly]
Puss: For you, baby… I could be.
Donkey: Yeah, you wish.
Ellie: Oh, cut it out with your grudge already, will you, Donkey? (to Fiona) He's Puss In Boots. An old friend of ours.
Varian: So now Lance, Kiera, Catalina and Skalk know what your human form looks like.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, plus Donkey's a little jealous about him.
Fiona: Guys, where is Shrek?
Donkey: He went inside looking for you.
[Fiona runs back inside up the stairs]
Shrek: [hears her and starts to run out] Fiona! Fiona!
[Unfortunately, Fairy Godmother shuts the doors with her wand and a set of drawers stands in front of them preventing Shrek from escaping]
Drawers: You wanna dance, pretty boy?
[Shrek tries to get to the balcony but Fairy Godmother blocks that entrance too]
Fairy Godmother: Are you going so soon? Don’t you want to see your wife?
[Shrek looks confused. Fiona continues her search]
Prince Charming: Fiona?
[Fiona turns and sees Prince Charming passing off as Shrek posing in the sunlight]
Charming: Aye, Fiona. It is me.
Fiona: What happened to your voice?
Charming: The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you.
[Fiona looks at Charming unconvinced, Lillian and Harold arrive]
Charming: Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you’d approve.
Lillian: Um… Who are you?
Charming: Mom, it’s me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think?
[Harold and Lillian look puzzled as does Fiona who hugs Charming despite this. The real Shrek pounds on Fiona's bedroom window, trying to get her attention]
Shrek: Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona!
Fairy Godmother: Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don’t think they can hear us, pigeon.
Fairy Godmother: Don’t you think you’ve already messed her life up enough?
Shrek: I just wanted her to be happy.
Fairy Godmother: And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally found the prince of her dreams.
Shrek: But look at me. Look what I’ve done for her.
Fairy Godmother: It’s time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She’s a princess, and you’re an ogre. That’s something no amount of potion is ever going to change.
[Shrek looks at Charming and Fiona again sadly as they head inside]
Shrek: But… I love her.
Fairy Godmother: If you really love her… you’ll let her go.
[Later, Shrek exits the castle hanging his head which Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders notice]
Cubby: Hey, what's going on?
Mushu: Where you going?
[Fiona and Charming walk together with Harold and Lillian watching them]
Lillian: You wouldn’t have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold?
[Shrek continues to walk through the streets of Far, Far Away with Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders not far behind. Later, they are at the Poison Apple Inn]
Captain Hook: People just ain’t no good~
I think that’s well understood~
Doris: Here you go, boys and girls.
Puss: Just leave the bottle, Doris.
Ocellus: Great. First the argument with Harold, then Puss becoming an ogre assassin and now Charming pretending to be Shrek and stealing Fiona! Whatever next?!
Chris Kratt: Ever since we got here, it's been nothing but downhill.
Martin Kratt: Yeah, no kidding, bro.
Doris: Hey, why the long face?
Shrek: It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
Thorn: Except you made a deal with Farquaad to do so in exchange for your swamp back.
Shrek: That may be so but still.
Puss: (drinks his milk and sighs) I hate Mondays.
Donkey: I can’t believe you’d walk away from the best thing that happened to you.
Shrek: What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming.
Mushu: Come on. Is he really that good-looking?
Doris: Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss: Oh. He sounds dreamy.
Silverstream: And extremely handsome.
Shrek: You know… shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better. Look, guys. It’s for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she’s always dreamed of. Everybody wins.
[Shrek drinks his drink as Harold, disguised in a cloak, comes in unnoticed]
Donkey: Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona.
Shrek: Aye. And that’s why I have to let her go.
Harold: Excuse me, is she here?
Doris: She’s, uh… in the back.
[Shrek looks confused. Harold enters the room he found Puss in, passing the two bulky men on the way]
Harold: Oh, hello again. [enters the room and shuts the door] Fairy Godmother. Charming. Foot Empire.
Fairy Godmother: You’d better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
Kiburi: Yeah. What did you wanna talk to us about?
Harold: Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warming up to Prince Charming.
Charming: Um, FYI, not my fault.
Fairy Godmother: No, of course it’s not, dear.
Charming: I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I’m that dreadful ogre?
Prince Hans: Pffft. You're not the only one who's had to pretend in order to get something.
Charming: Like with that snow queen's sister?
Prince Hans: Yes, Charming. She is so naive and desperate for love that she wanted to marry me just like that, even after we just met.
Eris: Yeah. That was very stupid of her but at least you use it to your advantage.
Harold: No, no, it’s nobody’s fault. Perhaps it’s best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Fairy Godmother. Charming and Foot Empire: What?
King Harold: You can’t force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother: I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [hands a love potion to Harold, unaware that Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders are listening outside] Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
Harold: Umm… no.
Fairy Godmother: What did you say?
Harold: I can’t. I won’t do it.
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: Oh, yes, you will. If not, you'II see why they call me the Shredderette. (brings out her blades)
Fairy Godmother: If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. [holding her wand close to Harold's face] And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it?
Harold: (sighs) No.
Fairy Godmother: Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming’s hair before the ball. He’s hopeless. He’s all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back.
Charming: Oh. Thank you, Mother.
[Everyone looks to see the heroes outside]
Shrek: Um… Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother: The ogre!
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: Our enemies!
[The Headless Horseman is stretching when Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders race by with the Fairy Godmother not too far behind]
Fairy Godmother: Stop them! Thieves! Bandits! Stop them!
[She zaps the screen with her wand, transitioning the scene to the ball at the castle that night]
Male Announcer: The abs are fab and it’s gluteus to the maximus here at tonight’s Far, Far Away Royal Ball blowout!
Female Announcer: The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet’s curds and whey. Everyone who’s anyone has turned out to honor Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. And, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! Oh, aren’t they adorable!
[Tom and Thumbelina scream as a cleaner sweeps them up]
Female Announcer: Here comes Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who’s this? Who’s this? Who is this? Oh. It’s the one, it’s the only… It’s the Fairy Godmother!
[Fairy Godmother exits her carriage]
Fairy Godmother: Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop?
Crowd: Whoop whoop!
Fairy Godmother: May all your endings be happy and… Well, you know the rest!
[She teleports out of the scene and the whole thing is seen being watched on the Magic Mirror by Boo and the Fairytale Creatures]
Magic Mirror: We’ll be right back with the Royal Far, Far Away Ball after these messages.
Gingy: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture!
Pinocchio: I’m not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Boo: Kitty. [hugs the teddy Sulley gave her]
Gingy: Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left!
[The buffalo wing lands in the fish bowl]
Male Announcer: Tonight on "Knights"…
Gingy: Now here’s a good show!
[The screen shows police balloons and carriages chasing the heroes through Far, Far Away]
Policeman: We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup.
Man: It’s time to teach these madcap mammals their "devil may mare" attitudes just won’t fly.
[The knighs pin Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders down but they try to fight back]
Shrek: Why you grabbing me?
Donkey: Why are grabbing me? Police brutality!
Twilight Sparkle: Let us go!
Kion: Don't make me use the Roar of the Elders on you!
Shrek: I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
Man: (holds a pepper shaker) We warned you!
Shrek: Ow! Ow!
Policeman: Wanna get away with it? Or did someone let the cat out of the bag?
Puss: You capitalist pig dogs! (yowls)
[Puss tries to fight back but finds himself pinned against a wall. A knight takes some catnip from him]
Puss: That’s, uh, not mine.
[The heroes find themselves shoved into a carriage]
Connor Lacey: Let us outta here!
Shrek: Find Princess Fiona!
Donkey: I’m a donkey!
Shrek: Tell her Shrek… I’m her husband, Shrek! (gets pepper in his face again) Ow!
Male Announcer: (as the title comes up) Tonight on Knights!
Gingy: (drops his buffalo wing) Quick! Rewind it!
[Pinocchio does so]
Shrek: I’m her husband, Shrek! Ow!
[Pinocchio pauses the scene and everyone looks shocked, even Boo. Meanwhile, Harold looks reluctantly at the love potion bottle but uncorks it anyway and pours it into one of the cups of tea. A heart forms before he waves it back into the cup with a spoon. He then goes into a room where Fiona is looking out of the window sadly]
Harold: Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball?
Fiona: I’m not going.
Harold: But the whole Kingdom’s turned out to celebrate your marriage.
Fiona: There’s just one problem. That’s not my husband. I mean look at him.
[They look at Charming, who is waving to the spectators while posing as Shrek again]
Harold: Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You’d be surprised how much I changed for your mother.
Fiona: Change? He’s completely lost his mind!
Harold: Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek.
Fiona: But it’s the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I’d give anything to have him back.
[She looks at Charming again before going to pick up the cup with the potion in it but Harold grabs it before she can]
Harold: Darling. That’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise I’m up all night.
[Fiona picks up the other cup and sips the tea from it]
[Harold smiles but feeling nervous inside before the scene changes to a tall dark tower where Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders are being held prisoner]
Donkey: I gotta get out of here! You can’t lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You’re supposed to say, I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey! You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Kiera: OK, so I'm gonna come out and say it. This is just awful.
Sandbar: You think? This is worser than being kept prisoner back at the School of Friendship.
Iago: Oh, great. Looks like we're going to keep hanging here for a long time to come.
Melody: You're not kidding, Iago. We just got arrested for a crime we didn't commit.
Lance: Well, the girls know what it's like to be in jail during our thieving days, along with Eugene.
Yona: Yona does not like being behind bars.
Jiminy Cricket: Oh, buck up, Yona, it could be worse. Be cheerful, like me.
Buzzie: Yeah. So, what are we gonna do?
Flaps: I don't know. Hey, now don't start that again.
Twilight Sparkle: Guys, if we told you once, we told you a million times: this is no time to start an argument. We've got to figure out how to get outta here so your arguing won't help.
Chris Kratt: Twilight's right. We've got to stop our enemies and Fairy Godmother from having Charming kiss Fiona so she can be in love with him instead of Shrek but we can't do that if you start arguing.
Sulley: So, any one got an idea?
Mike: Sulley, even if I had an idea, it would never work.
Puss: I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey? Irelanders?
Puss: Too late.
Buck: Oh, are we ever glad to see you, mates.
Shrek: Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here!
[One of the Blind Mice lights a match and heads for the fuse but accidentally falls into the cell. As the Mission Impossible theme starts playing, one of the three pigs lights the fuse and they back out of the way]
Pig: Fire in ze hole!
[The manhole at the top of the cell explodes and Pinocchio, attached to his puppet strings, jumps in and falls towards the heroes. As he's lowered down, Pinocchio does flips and other tricks, causing himself to get tangled in his own strings]
Gingy: [sighs] Look out below!
[Gingy slides down the strings onto Pinocchio's back]
Shrek: Quick! Tell a lie!
Pinocchio: What should I say?
Gingy: Anything, but quick!
Donkey: Say something crazy like "I’m wearing ladies’ underwear!"
Pinocchio: I am wearing ladies’ underwear.
[He shuts his eyes and waits but nothing happens]
Shrek: Are you?
Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!
[His nose extends]
Mushu: It looks like you most certainly am are!
Pinocchio: I am not!
Puss: What kind?
Gingy: It’s a thong! (snaps them on Pinocchio's bottom)
Pinocchio: Oww! They’re briefs!
[Gingy grabs the key and runs along Pinocchio's nose as it extends]
Gingy: Are not!
Pinocchio: Are too!
Gingy: Are not!
Pinocchio: Are too!
[Gingy reaches Shrek and starts to unlock his cuffs]
Gingy: Here we go. Hang tight.
[Shrek, Puss and the Irelanders fall to the ground and dust themselves off]
Donkey: Wait, wait, wait! Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! [falls to the ground] Ow!
[Shrek looks out at the castle in the distance with a look of determination]
Blind Mouse: Excuse me?
Shrek: What? Puss!
[Puss has the Blind Mouse in his mouth]
Blind Mouse: Pardon me, would you mind letting me go?
[Puss spits him out]
Puss: Sorry, boss.
Fluttershy: Don't ever let us catch you doing that again.
Jimmy: Uh, cats do eat mice and birds you know, Fluttershy.
Fluttershy: I know but still.
Shrek: Quit messing around! We’ve got to stop that kiss!
Skalk: I thought you was going to let her go.
Shrek: I was, but I can’t let them do this to Fiona.
Donkey: Boom! That’s what I like to hear. Look who’s coming around!
Heidi: Now that's the Shrek we all know and love!
Puss: It’s impossible! We’ll never get in. The castle’s guarded and there’s a moat and everything.
Ashima: He's right, everyone. Even if we had a big battering ram, we'd never get in.
[They look at the castle in worry]
Gingy: Well, folks, it looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick.
[But then Shrek notices that Gingy standing on the windowsill makes him taller the castle and has an idea which Gingy notices]
Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?
Gingy: Well, sure! He’s down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek: Because we’re gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
[Later, Shrek knocks on the door of the Muffin Man's bakery and he answers the door]
Muffin Man: Gingy!
Gingy: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We’ve got a big order to fill!
[We cut to outside the bakery as thunder cracks and an evil chuckle is heard inside]
Gingy: It’s alive!
[In Far, Far Away, a couple are drinking tea when they heard a rumbling noise. Trees fall down and Donkey runs by with the Fairytale Creatures on his back]
Donkey: [whinnies] Run, run, run, as fast you can!
[A giant gingerbread man named Mongo stomps into view with Shrek, Gingy and the Irelanders on his shoulders]
Dizzy and Shifter: [laughing]
Shifter: Cause here comes a giant gingerbread man!
Lorenzo: So step out of the way and let him pass~
Beppe: Unless you want him to break window glass~
Gingy: Go, baby, go!
[Mongo continues through the streets of Far, Far Away, people scattering as he passes and his foot crushing a coffee cart in the process]
Shrek: There it is, Mongo! To the castle! [as Mongo turns toward a giant coffee cup ornament thinking it's real] No, you great stupid pastry! Come on!
[Mongo picks up the coffee cup ornament and tries to drink from it but finds it's a fake, much to his dismay]
[He drops the cup, smashing a coffee cart to bits]
Donkey: Mongo! Down here! Look at the pony! [Mongo looks at Donkey and starts to follow him] That’s right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to play at the castle!
Mongo: Pretty pony.
[Mongo follows Donkey through the streets. At the castle]
Male Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek!
[Charming walks down the steps with Fiona and waves at the cheering crowd while Fiona looks uncomfortable]
Fiona: Shrek, what are you doing?
Charming: I’m just playing the part, Fiona.
Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips?
Charming: Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste?
Fiona: Ugh! What is with you? (starts to walk back up the steps)
Charming: But, Muffin Cake…
[He shrugs at the Fairy Godmother who gets an idea and turns to Kyle]
Fairy Godmother: C Minor, put it in C Minor.
[Kyle does so as Fairy Godmother uses her wand to turn her dress red]
Fairy Godmother: Ladies and gentlemen! I’d like to dedicate this song to… [as a spotlight shines of Fiona and Charming] Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek!
Charming: Fiona, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance?
[Fiona looks reluctant as Fairy Godmother starts singing Holding Out For A Hero]
Fairy Godmother: Where have all the good men gone?~
And where are all the gods?~
People: [chanting] Dance!
[Fiona takes Charming's hand and they start dancing]
Fairy Godmother: Where’s the streetwise Hercules~
To fight the rising odds?~
Fiona: Since when do you dance?
Charming: Fiona, my dearest, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that love is full of surprises.
Fairy Godmother: Late at night I toss and I turn~
And I dream of what I need~
I need a hero~
Shrek: All right, big fella! Let’s crash this party!
[Mongo makes his way toward the castle as a guard sees him coming]
Guard: Man the catapults!
[A catapult is set up with a flaming cannon ball]
Guard: Aim! Fire!
[The cannon ball is launched at Mongo who is fascinated by it]
Rainbow Dash: Incoming!
Mongo: Ooh! Purty!
[The cannon ball hits Mongo's gumdrop button which falls off]
Gingy: Not the gumdrop button!
[Mongo's sad expression turns to an angry one as he roars in rage cause Shrek and the Irelanders to cover their ears]
Mongo: (enraged howling)
[Mongo kicks his burning gumdrop at the catapult blowing it up]
Donkey: Ha-ha! All right!
[We cut back to Fairy Godmother as she continues to sing for a splitsecond while Charming pick up a rose as Harold covers his face in embarrassment, thinking that maybe Charming's not perfect for Fiona after all]
Fairy Godmother: Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy~
Shrek: Go, Mongo! Go!
[Mongo dodges more cannon balls as he makes his way to the drawbridge]
Guard: Man the cauldrons!
[Milk is poured into cauldrons and heated]
Connor Lacey: We need to lower the drawbridge so we can get in.
Shrek: After you, Mongo.
Mongo: (growls and grunt as he starts to pull on the drawbridge)
Shrek: That’s it! Heave-ho!
Bob: (seeing a milk cauldron about to pour it's contents on them) Watch out!
[Milk is poured onto Mongo causing him to fall to the ground]
[A guard peeks over the edge to see Mongo getting back up and glaring at him while wearing the foamy milk on his head like a wig]
Guard: More heat, less foam!
Fairy Godmother: Up where the mountains~
Meet the heavens above~
Out where the lightning~
Splits the sea~
I could swear there is someone~
Somewhere watching me~
[Mongo continues to pull on the drawbridge as another milk cauldron is being readied]
Shrek: Heave! Ho!
Fuli: Guys! More milk incoming!
[A milk cauldron pours it's contents on Mongo who sees it too late and gets splashed, causing his arms to break off and he falls into the water, much to the horror of Shrek, Gingy and the Irelanders]
Gingy: (slow-motion) No!
[As Gingy dives after Mongo, who splashes into the moat, Shrek and the Irelanders managed to slip through the drawbridge just as it closes. Charming and Fiona continue to dance as Fiona gets the rose in her mouth. Shrek and the Irelanders subdue some knights at the bottom of the chain before Shrek kicks the handle, lowering the drawbridge to let the others in]
Shrek: (whistles) Come on!
Donkey, Puss and the Fairytale Creatures: [cheering]
Gingy: Oh, no!
Mongo: Be good.
Gingy: (weeping and sobbing as he gets swept up by Puss' sword and into Big Bad Wolf's hands) He needs me! Let me go!
[They race into the castle only for knights to block their path]
[Donkey jumps over the knights and races on with them hot on his tail. The heroes gallop through the hallways of the castle until Puss jumps off of Donkey]
[Donkey skids to a halt]
Dora: What are you doing, Puss? Those knights'll kill you!
Puss: Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go!
Stephen: Oh, he's trying to buy us time so we can get to Fiona! Let's go!
[Donkey, Shrek and the Irelanders race on, leaving Puss to handle the knights]
Puss: Today, I repay my debt.
[The knights skid to a stop and look at Puss who uses his big pleading puppy dog eye technique on them]
Puss: [growling] On guard!
[Puss fights the knights with his sword. Back to the Fairy Godmother as she continues to sing]
Fairy Godmother: He’s gotta be strong~
And he’s gotta be fast~
And he’s gotta be fresh~
From the fight~
I need a hero~
[Charming and Fiona are about to kiss when...]
[Everyone looks to see Shrek, Donkey, Puss and the Irelanders gallop down the steps towards them]
Shrek: Hey, you! Back away from my wife.
[Harold and Lillian look confused at Shrek's new appearance]
Fairy Godmother: You couldn’t just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone.
Connor Lacey: That's where you're wrong, Fairy Godmother! Shrek loves Fiona more than you think and no-one, not even you, can take away from him!
Twilight Sparkle: That's right! You're not like Cinderella's Fairy Godmother at all since she's much nicer and helps her win the prince's heart as what they suppose to do!
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: Except that not all of them are good and helpful, Twilight Sparkle.
[The Foot Empire reveal themselves]
Connor Lacey: Stepmother!
Shrek: You guys again.
Hawk Moth: That's right, ogre. We're back to teach you a lesson for ruining Farquaad's plan to become king by having him been eaten by that dragon.
Roger: Well, hate to nag but it's you guys who are going to be taught a lesson!
Queen Chrysalis: It's not just us you'II have to deal with. We have a few friends that Cass, Lance and the girls know from their own pasts.
Kiera: Oh, no. You don't mean...?
[The Baron slip from the shadows and a cloaked figure appears before removing her hood to reveal...]
Lance Strongbow: The Baron!
Mother Gothel: Hello, dear.
The Baron: Well, hello again, Strongbow and girls.
Manny: Who are those two?
Catalina: The Baron and Mother Gothel. The Baron is an evil crime boss whom Lance, Kiera and I know back in our thieving days. We've steal from him before and our fear of him make us steal until Eugene and Lance help us.
Lance: Eugene and I often takes part in his heists but he double cross us a few times before. He even force Eugene to marry his daughter, Staylan by having his spider bite me which is venomous but thankfully Rapunzel grab the antidote and saved us just in time.
The Baron: Rider has also betrayed me before by leaving Staylan at the altar and the wedding would have succeeded a second time around if you fools and Rapunzel haven't ruined everything. I lost everything because of you, my empire, my control over Vandosoes, even my daughter. I even tried to exact revenge against Rider, his girlfriend and you fools in Corona after sometime but I was foiled again.
Violet Parr: That's because Rapunzel is Eugene's true love, not Staylan! We've already know about your cruelty from him and Lance and we're glad we've freed Vandosos from you and your minion, Anthony the Weasel, whom we've set to the the island prison. Plus, Staylan has moved on after helping Rapunzel and us find The Eye of Pincosta to free Eugene and the others from jail so she's not doing your life of crime any more.
Shira: And what about Gothel?
Melody: Gothel is an evil woman who stole Rapunzel when she was a baby so that she can use her hair to keep young and beautiful for thousands of years and forbids her from leaving the tower but Eugene and we manages to rescue her and Gothel turns to dust afterwards. We've also learned that she is Cassandra's mother, whom she abandoned as child during Rapunzel's capture and once served Zhan Tiri, an ancient evil demon who once tried to destroy Corona with the Sundrop and Moonstone after being freed from the netherworld but we managed to defeat her.
Cassandra: But I don't get it. If you turned to dust after Rapunzel was freed, how are you back?
Gothel: Well, Linda uses the Black Cauldron to bring me back and restore my youth and beauty so now I will be able to have my revenge against Rapunzel, Eugene and those Irelanders for ruining my plan to remain young forever and for defeating my master, Zhan Tiri, who is much better to serve than Lord Demanitus who both help me learn about the Sundrop and Healing Incantation and which you play a part in it, since I've heard that you were once Rapunzel's lady-in-waiting and raised by the former captain who pursuit me years ago.
Cassandra: Yeah, but Rapunzel was right about you not loving her or me which I didn't believe at first until your mirror proves it, not to mention that you've abandoned me when I was just four.
Gothel: Hmm. Do I care? No. You were always a lousy little pest to me and I have to keep you out of my hair during my plans.
Ron Stoppable: Ooh, you are gonna pay for saying that!
Male Voice: (whom Elsa remembers) That's what you think, Stoppable.
Elsa: Oh, no. I think I know who that voice belongs to.
[Prince Hans arrives]
Prince Hans: Hello, Elsa.
Donkey: You know him?
Martin Kratt: Yeah, Donkey. Hans tried to take over Arendelle by using Anna's love for him to his advantage and even tried to kill Elsa but Anna stopped him.
Prince Hans: And if you haven't intervened, I would have succeeded of killing Elsa and become king of Arendelle but now since Anna is now queen and Elsa now lives in this enchanted forest, taking the kingdom from her will be too easy.
Twilight Sparkle: Pffft. You'd have to get past Kristoff, Sven and Olaf first before you can get to Anna.
Prince Hans: Those fools won't even stand a chance. But enough about that, we have a few more villains here that you may known from many times before.
Chris Kratt: And I think I've got a pretty good idea who's next.
Eris: Like me, mortals.
Buck: Who is that beautiful temptress?
Sunset Shimmer: That's Eris, Buck. She's the goddess of chaos who once tried to prevent Sinbad and us from getting a magic book to save Proteus' life and tries to cause chaos across the land.
Eris: Yes and although, Sinbad wins and I begrudgingly hold my end of the deal, I'm still going to cause chaos across the 16 realms once you fools are out of my way. Too bad Discord never do it since he only uses his chaos for his fun amusement and even after friendship ruined him. Not a true being of chaos if you ask me.
Discord: Hey! I'm the Lord of Chaos and I prefer to use my chaos for my amusement and not for evil deeds like you.
Eris: How dare you? No matter. We have a bear that you're all familiar with, mortals?
Connor Lacey: Oh, don't tell me...
Cubby: (in Hammy's voice) Scary clown.
[They look up to see Vincent lowering down from a clown balloon to the ground and uses a needle to puncture it]
Aviva Corcovado: Vincent.
Scoop: Who's the bear?
June: His name is Vincent, Scoop. He's a bear who forces a raccoon named RJ to steal food from a neighborhood of humans and tries to kill us when RJ returns to rescue Verne and his family from Dwayne the exterminator.
Vincent: Yes and it would have succeeded if RJ should have stick to be a family of one and keep it up to end up just like me, having everything he ever wanted rather than those pathetic animals he used to help him. It's how he and I survived. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Selfishness got me far and so should RJ.
Fluttershy: Selfishness is wrong! You had no right to force RJ to steal for you, even when he loses your stuff at first!
Chris Kratt: Yeah, and stealing food from humans and get others hurt to get what you want?
Martin Kratt: That is wrong on so many levels!
Kion: At least RJ did the right thing of saving Verne and his family instead of becoming like you.
Paxton: Yeah! They didn't deserve what you made RJ do to them!
Vincent: They are none of my concern and once I kill you all, RJ and his friends will be next.
Mewtwo: You are despicable.
Janja: (snickers) You're too kind, Mewtwo.
[Army of Scar arrives]
Kion: Army of Scar!
Puss: (sighs) Not them again.
Shrek: You already know Connor's enemies, Puss?
Puss: Yes, Boss. Long story.
Reirei: Well, well, if it isn't Puss In Boots.
Goigoi: Yeah. How you've been?
Puss: Very good, you canine fiends.
Kiburi: And long time no see, Shrek since you caused Farquaad's death.
Shrek: Hey, I had to do it in order to save Fiona! Farquaad's not her true love and it serves him right for banishing the fairytale creatures to my swamp. They didn't deserve it.
Kiburi: Doesn't matter. You'II pay for his death and foiling his plan.
Mzingo: Yes, we have to make an apology to Fairy Godmother for unknowingly foiled her and Charming's plan in the first place.
Ushari: Yesss, but we're making up to it by making sure you fools don't help that ogre a second time around.
Sid: Uh, hate to nag but we're gonna help him anyway, regardless.
Heidi: And what are you all doing here?
Tirek: Well, Heidi, we've joined forces with Fairy Godmother and Charming here for revenge against you fools for defeating us.
The Storm King: And that ogre and that pussycat will pay too for beating us before.
Chrysalis: And for the record, Shrek, you just can't accept that you were lost before you even realized there was a fight, can you?
Shrek: Well, that's about to change, Chrysalis. [to the others] Now!
Three Little Pigs: Pigs und blanket!
[Two of the pigs fling the first onto Fairy Godmother's leg using a blanket]
Shrek: (swinging Pinocchio around by his strings and throws him at Fairy Godmother) Pinocchio, get the wand!
Pig: I see London! I see France!
Pinocchio: Waaaahhh! [gets zapped by Fairy Godmother's wand and turned into a real boy] I’m a real boy!
Jiminy Cricket: Wow! Wasn't expecting that like with my Pinoke.
[Fairy Godmother swings the pig off her leg and he flew into a window, making a woman duck out of the way]
Big Bad Wolf: (takes a deep breath and blows Fairy Godmother away, making her drop her wand)
[He grabs the wand and tosses it to Donkey, who catches it in his mouth]
[Donkey toss the wand to Gingy who catches it and keep Fairy Godmother from getting it before throwing it to the three blind mice who miss the wand as it bounces of them knocking them over]
Three Blind Mice: Oof!
[It sends a bolt of magic at Pinocchio, turning him back to normal, much to his dismay]
Pinocchio: I’m a real boy. [sees he's a puppet again] Awww.
Jiminy Cricket: Well, you can't win em all. At least my Pinoke got his wish come true.
Cozy Glow: I'II take that, thank you.
[She grab the wand with her new alicorn horn again]
Kiera: Not on my watch!
[Kiera jumps up and grabs the wand from Cozy Glow]
Cozy Glow: Hey! That belongs to Fairy Godmother, former thief!
Kiera: Well, we're going to put a stop to your plan once and for all right here and now!
[Ronno rams Kiera over with his antlers, knocking the wand out of his hand]
Ronno: (laughs) Guess you're no match for me and my trusty antlers, Angry girl.
Catalina: No one hurts my sister like that and gets away with it!
[Catalina transforms into her werewolf form and howls]
[He ran off in fright]
Kiera: Thanks, Catalina.
Catalina: Anytime, Kiera. I could let that Ronno bully any of us.
Kiera: Well, at least he's gone now. Where's the wand?
Anthony the Weasel: Right here, girls.
[Anthony hold the wand]
Anthony: So, one of you can turn into a wolf, huh? Very unexpected but not matter to me.
Catalina: Just wait till I get my claws in your skin!
Anthony the Weasel: You'II have to catch me first.
[Catalina chases Anthony. Crash and Eddie trip him up, making him drop the wand which Catalina catches]
Crash: Take that, Anthony the Not-A-Weasel.
Buck: Nice one, boys. He can never be like a true weasel like me.
Eddie: That he won't, Buck. You're welcome.
[Tirek uses his magic to lift Catalina up, swing her around and drop her to the ground]
Tirek: I believe this wand belongs to Fairy Godmother.
[He picks it up]
Helen Parr/Elastigirl: I don't think so, centaur!
[Helen stretches her arm around Tirek, tying him up. She then stretches out her other arm and grabs the wand from him]
Helen Parr/Elastigirl: Skalk, catch!
[She throws it over to Skalk who caught it in his mouth and run with the hyenas and jackals in pursuit til they corner him to a wall]
Skalk: Hey, fellas, wouldn't you prefer to have some gorgeous mammal to eat? Big, juicy ones?
Janja: Yeah, nice try, Skalk but you're not fooling us that easily.
Reirei: That's right. (cackles) We jackals and hyenas don't usually hunt wild dogs because your kind is less successful in hunting compared to us but in this case, we're willing to make an exception by eating you.
Cheezi: Yeah, right!
Peaches: Oh, no you don't!
[She climb up onto a rope and as Janja's clan and Reirei's pack moves in to eat Skalk, Peaches swings down and knocks them away from him]
Julian: Wow. Way to go, babe!
Skalk: Thanks, Peaches.
Donita Donata: How does that mammoth do that?
Peaches: Learned from two of the best uncles in the world. I'm part-possum.
Zach Varmitech: Nice try but I'II take that.
[His Zachbot grabs Skalk and take the wand out of his mouth]
Zach Varmitech: Got it. (cackles)
Rainbow Dash: Not for long, Varmitech!
[Rainbow Dash zooms down and snatched the wand from the Zachbot]
Rainbow Dash: Pegasi, one, Zachbot, zero!
Zach Varmitech: Give me that wand back!
[Eris appears in front of Rainbow, very huge and whirls her around]
Rainbow Dash: Whoa!
Eris: No mere mortal can stand against a powerful goddess like me.
Discord: Maybe not a mortal but how about a being who also has chaotic abilities?
Eris: Give it your best shot.
[Discord snap his eagle claw and every time Eris attacks, he changes them into various things like giant ice cream, rubber chickens and snapping pineapples]
Eris: Those are so not impressive.
Discord: Oh, are they now? Well, how about this?!
[He disappeared and as Eris look around in confusion, Discord reappears, pulling back an interdimension curtain and snatch the wand from her]
Discord: Now who's so not impressive? (to Connor) Here you go.
Connor Lacey: Thanks, Discord.
Connor Lacey: Whoa!
Vincent: You're dead, Connor! (swipe his paw at Connor who dodges it) And your friends are next!
Fuli: Not gonna happen, raccoon manipulator!
[She leaps forward and swipe her paw at Vincent, scratching him on the nose]
Connor Lacey: Thanks, Fuli!
Fuli: Anytime, now go get the wand to Shrek!
[Connor turns to see the Baron standing in front of him]
The Baron: (lifting up a boulder) When this is through, you're gonna wish Rider would have stayed with my Staylan.
Connor Lacey: Doubt it, Baron! And his name is Eugene Fitzherbert!
[The Baron throws the boulder at Connor but Twilight jumps in and uses her magic shield to protect Connor and the boulder breaks on impact]
Twilight Sparkle: That's what you get when you mess with my boyfriend!
Connor Lacey: Thanks, Twilight. Razer, catch!
[Connor throws the wand to Razer who catches it]
Razer: Got it!
[Gothel stabs Razer in the chest before pulling it out, making him fall down]
Heidi: (gasps) Razer!
Gothel: This wand belongs to Fairy Godmother and not fools like you. When I'm through with you all, I'II get my revenge on Rapunzel next.
Cassandra: I don't think so, mother!
[Cassandra charges at Gothel but she kick her in the chest, knocking her down]
Gothel: Pathetic. You will always be a lousy little pest to me, Cassandra.
[Elsa uses her ice powers to freeze Gothel in her tracks]
Cassandra: Thanks, Elsa. [grabs the wand from Gothel]
Elsa: Anytime, Cass!
[Cassandra runs a few steps when she heard a sword being moved from it's hold and turns to see Hans raising his sword behind Elsa while she isn't looking]
Cassandra: (gasps) Manny, catch!
[She throws the wand to Manny who catches it before drawing her sword and Hans' blade clashes with it]
Prince Hans: Out of my way, lady-in-waiting.
Cassandra: No way! I won't let you try and kill Arendelle's former queen a second time!
[Cassandra pushes back against Hans' sword while Elsa flees. Donita, Paisley, Kiburi, Mzingo, Chrysalis and The Storm King surrounded them]
Paisley Paver: There shan't be any delays this time.
The Storm King: Yeah, so either give the wand back to us or get vaporized, tubby.
Manny: I'm not fat. I'm poofy and you ain't getting this wand!
Donita Donata: Oh, yes we can. Mannequins, get him.
[The mannequins flew towards Manny but Diego and Shira pounces on them]
Diego: Manny, go! We'll hold them off!
Manny: On it!
[He runs off but Kiburi leapt and bite his tail]
[The wand flies through the air and landed on the ground in front of Shrek and Fairy Godmother who both lunges for it]
Fairy Godmother: That’s mine! That’s mine!
[She grabs the wand but Shrek tosses it away to Puss who run onto Donkey's back and neck and grab it in mid-air]
Donkey: Pray for mercy from Puss...
Puss: And Donkey!
Hiro: Without your wand, Fairy Godmother, you're powerless! Guess you have no choice but to give up!
Fairy Godmother: [to Charming] She’s taken the potion! Kiss her now!
[Charming looks at Fiona and proceeds to kiss her as planned, much to the horror of Shrek and the Irelanders]
[Shrek drops to his knees in despair. Charming finishes kissing Fiona who smiles at him and strokes his chin but then...]
[Fiona headbutts Charming, causing him to collapse unconscious]
The Mask: Way to play fake-lover, girl! You showed him!
Fairy Godmother: Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion!
Harold: Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.
Hawk Moth: Grrr! Outsmarted twice in a row! But no matter! Now, Charming!
Charming: Mommy! [grabs the wand from Puss and throws it to Fairy Godmother]
[Fairy Godmother catches the wand and gets ready to fire it]
Fairy Godmother: [growls] I told you. Ogres don’t live happily ever after!
[Fairy Godmother fires her wand at Shrek, Fiona and the Irelanders. Seeing his daughter and her friends in danger, Harold runs in front of them]
[The bolt reflects off his armor and back onto Fairy Godmother sending her flying backwards]
Fairy Godmother: [screams] Woo! Ha!
[As she readies herself to fire again, Fairy Godmother bursts into bubbles, meaning the blast Harold reflected onto her has killed her and the only things that remain of her are her glasses and wand which fall to the ground]
Ron Stoppable: Ha-ha! That'll show Fairy Godmother that ogres can live happily ever after! [to the villains] And unless you all want to suffer the same fate, I suggest you beat it!
Chrysalis: You think friendship can save you? We will always return! Nothing will ever stop us!
Janja: You heard him, furbrains. RUN!
[The Foot Empire retreated]
Linda Ryan/The Shredderette: You were lucky this time, stepson. But you can't be lucky every day of your life!
Gourmand: And at least your king pays for his treachery.
Connor Lacey: Gourmand's right for once, guys. Look!
[Everyone looks at Harold's empty armor on the floor]
Fiona: [breathes heavily, gasps] Oh, Dad! (sobbing)
Gertie: Oh, no!
Pinocchio: Is he...?
[Everyone hangs their heads in sadness as they mourn Harold's demise but then a croak is heard from inside the armor]
Gingy: He croaked.
Aisling: Wait! If he croaked, [gasps in realization] then he survived!
[Harold, now a frog, jumps out of the armor, much to everyone's surprise and relief]
Harold: (sighs) I’d hoped you’d never see me like this.
Donkey: Hey. And he gave you a hard time!
Harold: No, no, he’s right. I’m sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now… she already has it. Shrek, Fiona… Will you accept an old frog’s apologies… and my blessing?
[Shrek and Fiona smile at Harold and nod]
Marinette/Ladybug: Wait, what about Razer?
[Aya sees Razer laying on the ground and flies over to him]
Aya: Razer. Say something, my love.
Razer: (groans) Aya. Use your Manhunter Queen powers to heal me.
Aya: As you wish, my love.
[Aya uses her Manhunter Queen powers to heal Razer's wound and he stands up]
Aya: You are most welcome. [they hug]
Harold: I’m sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.
[He tries to hop away but Lillian catches him]
Lillian: You’re more that man today than you ever were… warts and all.
[The clock chimes, signalling that midnight has arrived]
Puss: Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!
Shrek: Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?
Shrek: Because if you kiss me now…we can stay like this.
Fiona: You’d do that? For me?
[Fiona looks at her mother and father who smiles at her then turns back to Shrek]
Fiona: I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after… with the ogre I married.
[Shrek smiles at her while everyone looks on in happiness]
Puss: Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobbing]
[The clock strikes midnight and Shrek, Fiona and Donkey glow blue as they float into the air, meaning they're changing back to normal]
Donkey: Whoa! No. No, no. Aaah! Ow. Oh, no.
[Once they float back to the ground, Shrek and Fiona are ogres again and Donkey is a donkey again, much to his dismay]
Shrek: (laughs) Hey. You still look like a noble steed to me.
Sandbar: Yeah. Though you may not look it, you'll always be a noble steed in our eyes.
[Donkey smiles at this]
Mushu: Our little Shrek is all grown up and saving Far Far Away. Do you have a tissue?
[Cri-Kee passes him a tissue and he blows his nose]
Fiona: [giggles] Now, where were we?
Shrek: Oh. I remember.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss as the crowd goes wild. Lillian nuzzles Harold in happiness]
Puss: Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?
Donkey: Uno, dos, quatro, hit it!
[As the song Livin' La Vida Loca starts playing, fireworks erupt into the sky and Puss and Donkey rise up on platforms on stage]
Donkey: Puss and Donkey, y'all.
She's into superstitions~
Black cats and voodoo dolls~
Sing it, Puss!
Puss: I feel a premonition~
That girl's gonna make me fall~
Donkey: Here we go!
Puss: She's into new sensations~
(with Donkey) New kicks in the candlelight~
She's got a new addiction for every day and night~
She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain~
She'll make your live her crazy life but she'll take away your pain~
Like a bullet to your brain~
Fairytale creatures: Upside inside out~
Donkey and Puss: She's livin' la vida loca~
She'll push and pull you down~
[Charming looks around in anger but then Doris appears]
Doris: Hey, gorgeous. [pushes Charming down to kiss him]
Mongo: (gurgling) Livin' la vida loca~
Donkey: Her lips are devil red and her skin's the colour of moca~
[An elf and Shrek dive into the crowd, Shrek squashing the dog in the process]
Puss and Donkey: She will wear you out~
Livin' la vida loca~
Donkey: Oh, she's livin' la loca~
Puss: Livin' la vida loca~
Donkey: Say it one more time now~
Puss: Livin' la vida locaaaaaaaaaaaaa~
Hey, Donkey, that's Spanish~
Donkey: Break it down!~
[As the song continues, various scenes from the film show the characters and their voice actors in freeze frames before cutting back to the stage as fireworks erupt into the sky]
Puss and Donkey: She push and pull you down~
Livin' la vida loca~
She will wear you out~
Livin' la vida loca~
Livin' la vida loca~
She push and pull you down~
Livin' la vida loca~
Her lips are devil red and her skin's the colour of moca~
She will wear you out~
Livin' la vida loca~
Livin' la vida loca~
Livin' la vida loca~
Donkey: Say it one more time now~
Everyone: Livin' la vida loca~
[The characters jump into the air in a freeze frame before the screen fades to black for a split second. It then changes to Shrek and Fiona continuing to dance while the Irelanders comfort a sad Donkey who's singing All By Myself]
Donkey: All by myself~
Don't wanna be all by myself~
Star Swirl: Chin up, my friend. Everything will be fine once Dragon cheers up.
Clara: Yeah. I'm sure whatever made her upset, she'll be feeling better soon.
Puss: Amigos, we are off to the Kit-Kat Club. Come on. Join us.
Donkey: Oh, thanks, compadre. I'm... [sighs] I'm just not in the mood.
Sid: What he technically means is that his wife's been a little moody lately and he misses her terribly.
Cat Noir: Sid, you're not helping.
Puss: We'll cheer him up, find a nice burro. [laughs]
[Just then, a roar is heard and they look up to see Dragon flying into view]
Donkey: [gasps] Hey, baby! Whoo! Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! Alright!
Kiera: That's Dragon?
Connor Lacey: Yep. And it looks like she's feeling all better.
[Dragon lands in front of Donkey and the Irelanders]
Ellie: Where you been, girl?
Donkey: We're sorry, too. We should've stayed but Shrek had this thing he had to do and, uh... [Dragon roars as if to tell him something] What? Say it one more time? What are you talking about? Are you serious?! [gasps]
[At that moment, little donkey/dragon hybrid babies fly into view and dog-pile on top of Donkey]
Donkey: [laughing] Look at our little mutant babies!
Martin Kratt: Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Chris Kratt: Uh-huh.
Connor Lacey: Donkey/dragon hybrid babies! [gasps in realization] Dragon must've been pregnant! That must be why she was so moody before!
Heidi: We should've known. [hugging one of the Dronkeys] Aw, they're soooo cute!
Smolder: And I thought most dragons lay eggs like back in the dragon lands in Equestria.
Poppy O'Hair: Well, guess not all dragons do the same things.
Julian: These little guys are amazing.
Varian: I'm not sure if I should be fascinating or terrified.
Fuli: I say we try straight on.
Aviva Corcovado: Well, only one thing left to say to the new parents, welcome to the circle of life and congratulations.
[Dragon blows a heart shaped smoke cloud at the screen before it goes black]
Donkey: I've got to get a job.
[The screen then shows Connor, Shrek, Donkey, Fiona and Puss outside the palace]
Connor Lacey: Well, folks, that's all for now but stayed tuned as we continue our adventures with Harry Porter in "The Irelanders meets Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" which is coming up next.
Shrek: See you there.
[They wave as the screen fades to black]