Winnie the Pooh meets Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice/Transcript

Cryptkeeper's Prologue

(Scene: Cryptkeeper's Tomb)

• Cryptkeeper (OS): Read the next line for me, please."
• Man: "Okay, I see M, D, C..."
• Cryptkeeper: Okay, that's enough. I think I see what the problem is. Your eyes are in terrible shape. Probably from watching too much Tales From the Crypt. To fix it we'll require cohacktive lenses, maybe even radio scare-totomy. Although, there is another test I could perform.
• Scary Godmother (OS) : (in the Old Witch's VO) CRYPTY!!!! (appearing with Kibosh)
• Cryptkeeper: (shocked)
• Scary Godmother: What are you doing up here?
• Cryptkeeper: Well now, look what the witch dragged in. Give a round of applause for the king of all ghosts, Kibosh and Scary Godmother, kiddies. (pushed the applause button) So have you two been? Having the time of your afterlife?
• Kibosh: Silence, worm!
• Scary Godmother: You still owe me for all those pranks at my Halloween party last year. You promised to do anything to make up for it.
• Cryptkeeper: WHAT!?! That's ridiculous! I don't remember making such a promise.
• Kibosh: Oh really? How 'bout a instant replay then. (plays tape from Last Halloween)
• Cryptkeeper: (in Harry VO) Oh please! I'll do anything!
• Scary Godmother: I know you will, Crypty. You'll help me in the pumpkin patch; you'll knit spider webs; clean the tombs. Oh yes, you'll probably have tonight paid off by Halloween next year. Enjoy our pizza.
• Cryptkeeper: Oh yeah. I hate flashbacks!
• Scary Godmother: Now get busy. We have to prepare for both Halloween and our big party.
• Kibosh: And you know, all monsters, ghouls and ghosts are required to attend. Or else!
• Cryptkeeper: Well, before you interrupted me and my pain-ent, I was preparing for Halloween.
• Scary Godmother: What do you mean?
• Cryptkeeper: (in Harry's VO) Are you saying that telling a scary story; a monstrous tale; a variable ghost story isn't preparing for Halloween?
• Kibosh: Hmm. You do have a point. I guess it wouldn't a bit. Wouldn't you agree.
• Scary Godmother: Hmm. Well I....what I mean is---. (groans) Fine. But when your done, I need you to separate the dragon eggs for my special flambé soufflé.
• Cryptkeeper: You mean like separating the eggs from the chokes?
• Scary Godmother: No. Separate the eggs from the dragons.
• Kibosh: And you know how feisty they can be. (chuckles) Now get to the work! (leaves with Scary Godmother)
• Cryptkeeper: Yuck! It pains to have friends on the other side. Now, scare was I? Oh yes. Your remedy for your fright sight. We'll start by turning out the lights and making you look at this. It's a nasty nugget about a Group of Heroes reuniting with an old friend whose daughter will experience the return of a ghost from the past whose name is never mentioned three times. I call this one "Winnie the Pooh meets Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice."

(Scene Fades to Intro)

Intro: "Ghost House with Lydia Deetz"/Lydia calls some old friends

♪ I don't think that I can take it♪

♪ 'Cause it took so long to bake it♪

♪ And I'll never have that recipe again♪

♪ Again♪

["Beetlejuice" theme music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[dog barking]

[thunderclap]

[thunderclap]

[wind blowing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Lydia] Come in if you dare.

[thunderclap]

Lydia Deetz: The living. The dead. Can they coexist?

Lydia Deetz: That's what we're here to find out.

My name is Lydia Deetz, and welcome to Ghost House.

[audience cheering and clapping]

Lydia Deetz: Joining us in the attic tonight are Emmett and Jody Welch, from Cleghorn, Wisconsin.

Lydia Deetz: Along with their dog, Taco.

-[Taco whines]

And we're gonna hear about how their dream home became a ghost house.

-[audience exclaims softly]

-[spooky laughter plays]

I've been a psychic mediator for over 15 years.

But nothing could have prepared me for what I encountered when I visited the Welch farm.

-Here's a preview.

-[Taco barks]

Be warned, it's intense.

[eerie music playing]

I don't know what I'm gonna find behind this door,

but it doesn't want me here.

[suspenseful music playing]

[loud clattering]

[Taco whining]

[exhales shakily]

I feel a dark presence.

-We need to leave! Now!

-[door slams]

[all gasping]

[sighs]

Emmet, are you ready to hear about your paranormal visitors?

Bring it on.

How about you, Jody?

Haven't slept a wink since we moved into that darned house.

Taco was so freaked out, he goes to the bathroom

in his doggy bed every night.

It's been a living nightmare.

Confronting the unknown.

Conquering your fears.

There's nothing harder.

But don't worry.

I'll be right by your...

[gasps]

[distorted laughter]

What the...

No.

-No, no.

-[audience murmuring]

[whispers] What's going on?

-I don't know.

-Go!

[Lydia] No. No.

-Uh...

-You're doing great.

[shakily] I'm...

-Need a break?

-[breath trembling]

-Yeah.

-Yeah, let's take a break.

Lydia Deetz, ladies and gentlemen!

-Bravo.

-[audience clapping]

I need five. Make it happen.

Okay, everybody, that's lunch!

[exhales deeply]

Nadia: I told him he needed to wear contacts. But no, Mr. Big Shot Magician wouldn't listen.

Lydia Deetz: Oh, can you give it a rest, Nadia? I'm having a really Bad day.

Delia Deetz brings Bad News/Enter: Delores

• Snivel: Weird. Where was the Janitor? (sees something) Huh, huh? (sees flat janitor) The janitor? Oh, no! Who did this? (sees writing saying "Betelgeuse is mine!", then looks at broken boxes) "Delores?" (gets worried)
• Kibosh: Did you say "escaped," you little runt?
• Snivel: Kibosh...
• Kibosh: I'm in charge here and nobody escapes from me. Especially that no good soul-sucker, Delores.
• Snivel: Your next move, O stupendous one.
• Kibosh: When I find that soul-sucker, I'll tie a sheepshank on her bedsheet butt. Now, contact Zordon of Eltar, find me this Delores and bring her sorry, hooky-playing tush back here immediately!
• Snivel: I'm outta here.

(scene fades to Astrid's boarding school)

Meet Astrid Deetz/Beetlejuice is Back

(inside a boiler room we see an old foe: Beetlejuice staring a pictures of Pooh and Pals, Ash and Pikachu, and a young Lydia)

• Voice: BEETLEJUICE!
• Beetlejuice: [gasps] Jeez, Boss. Can't you see I'm concentrating here?
• Kibosh: You call this concentrating? Staring at pictures of Zordon's Chosen Warriors, the Pokémon World Champion, and a little snot noses named Lydia Beets.
• Snivel: Uh, that's uh, Lydia Deetz, sir.
• Kibosh: Silence! When I want your help, I'll beat it out of you.
• Snivel: Of course, O mellow one.
• Kibosh: Now, about this Lydia Greets...
• Snivel: Lydia Deetz. Sorry.
• Kibosh: How would it look if I, the mighty Kibosh, let some wide-eyed fleshbag run loose without any schooling?
• Snivel: Very embarrassing, sir.
• Kibosh: Embarrassing? It's disgraceful. Almost as bad as losing track of that murderous worm-headed deserter. What was his name?
• Snivel: Jeremy Frazier, the Winter River teenage killer, sir.
• Kibosh: When I find that slacker, I'll tie a sheepshank on his bedsheet butt.
• Snivel: Your blood pressure, O stupendous one.
• Kibosh: I have no blood!

(Bob mumbles)

• Kibosh: (to Beetlejuice) Now, about this Lydia Deetz...
• Beetlejuice: You know, Boss, long distance relationships can be difficult. Especially when one of you is dead and the other's ignoring you for 30 years. But Lydia and I, we have a definite psychic connection.
• [caller 1] I just need these people out of my house.
• Receptionist: Please hold! Afterlife Call Center, please hold.
• [caller 2] How much for a premium bio exorcism?
• Beetlejuice: And I'll tell ya something, she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle.
• [caller 3] The money back guarantee one.
• Receptionist: I'm putting your call through now.
• [caller 4] I've just died, and she's already remarried.
• Beetlejuice: Sell him the honeymoon package. I'll kill the new husband, and I'll possess the ex-wife. I'll make her do some unseemly things, and then I'll post the pics.

[alarm blares]

• [caller 4] Can I pay in installments?
• Beetlejuice: I'm needed upstairs.

[Bob grunting]

• Beetlejuice: Bob, hold down the fort.
• Kibosh: Snivel!
• Snivel: (Pain VO) Coming, your most lugubriousness!

Meet Wolf Jackson/Charles's funeral

[knocking at door]

• The Receptionist: [sighs]
• Le Tigre [in French] Ou je suis? Where am I?
• The Receptionist: Take a number, take a seat.
• Le Tigre: [scoffs]
• Kibosh: Tell my other right hand his 12:00 is here.
• The Receptionist: (Loretta from Robots (2005) VO) I'm all over it. Yes, sir!
• Beetlejuice: [sighs]

[cat yowls]

• Beetlejuice: I'm more of a dog person.
• The Receptionist: You! Room 515. Now.
• Snivel: That's us.

[camera flashing]

• Officer: Come on. Come on.
• Gangster: Hey, easy with the suit.
• Detective: Don't "Detective" me, you walking disaster. We got reports.
• Officer 2: Another protestor.
• Beetlejuice: Say, Boss. Why is this guy so important to ya?
• Kibosh: I trusted him since Snivel and I met Zordon's Chosen Warriors, the Pokémon World Champion, and the Rebels since they met Castor.
• Snivel: Casper. Sorry.
• Kibosh: Since his demise, he has become the Afterlife's best of the best. He's determined. He's confident. He's honorable. He's even respected Casper's reputation of being a friendly ghost. He's...
• Operator on radio: There is a ten-o-nine.
• Wolf Jackson: Wolf Jackson, Afterlife Crime Unit.
• Beetlejuice: Let me take a wild stab. (looks at us) Actor.
• Wolf Jackson: Not just any actor. I've done it all. For six movies and a reboot, I became Frank Hardballer. Doing my own stunts was non-negotiable. You know why?
• Janet: Authenticity.
• Wolf Jackson: Correct. A vice cop doesn't get to a perp's door and then call for some hambone stunt man to break it down. Neither did I. You gotta keep it real.
• Beetlejuice: Looks like you got a little too real there, bud.
• Wolf Jackson: Who knew it was a live grenade? Your name came up on this case I'm investigating.
• Beetlejuice: [coughing]
• Kibosh: Jackson here has been helping Zordon and me on an escaped undead convict who's eluded us for sometime.
• Wolf Jackson: (shows a picture of Delores)
• Beetlejuice: [shrieking]
• Wolf Jackson: Recognize this puss?
• Beetlejuice: Never seen that chick before in my life. Or afterlife.

[camera shutter clicking]

• Wolf Jackson: Any idea why my suspect wrote your name in this schmo's goo?
• Beetlejuice: Uh... Hard to say, Wolf, but could be a super-fan. You know, guys like you and me...

[camera shutter clicks]

• Beetlejuice: ...we drive the gals crazy.
• Wolf Jackson: She collected all her body parts. My hunch is she's out for revenge. And you seem to be numero uno on her hit list.
• Beetlejuice: Well, wouldn't be the first woman who wanted to kill me. And kinda hard to kill a dead guy.
• Wolf Jackson: This gal can. She's a soul sucker.
• Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah, you could say that again.
• Wolf Jackson: My advice, lay low. She gets her hands on you and you're dead-dead. And there's no coming back from that, Mr. Juice.
• Beetlejuice: Roger that.
• Kibosh: Now that that's out of the way. Snivel, find me this Lydia Deetz and bring her, Zordon's Chosen Warriors, the Pokémon World Champion, and whoever they're with back here immediately!
• Snivel: I'm outta here.

(scene transcends to above Winter River)

Beetlejuice's Origin/Rory's Proposal

• Beetlejuice: My ex-wife is back.
• Shrunken Head Employee Phil: Hmm?
• Beetlejuice: Well, I know what you're thinking..."When was the Juice ever tied down? What kind of woman could ever keep him satisfied?" Well...

[mic feedback whines]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] I’ll tell you.

[dramatic music playing]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] In a forgotten age, surrounded by death and the plague, the tendrils of our depraved love story unfurled. I was a humble grave robber, plying my trade amidst the corpses of the forsaken. My heart withered into the abyss. But destiny, like a phantom, cast its shadow one cold, starless night.

[soft music playing]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] Her name, Delores. From the moment I gazed into her cursed eyes, I was bewitched. The ceremony was traditional.

[goat bleats]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] We drank each other’s blood…bit the heads off a couple of chickens…and sacrificed a goat.

[goat bleats]

[thunder rumbling]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] Our wedding night…was a symphony of dark love.

[both moaning]

[Beetlejuice grunts]

[Delores Moans]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] A macabre opera of lust…and untamed desire.

[sinister music playing]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] But my new bride harbored a sinister secret: she was the leader of a soul sucking death cult. Like a spider closing in on its prey, she was ready to strike.
• Living Beetlejuice: (exhales) Mazel tov.
• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] Her quest for immortality demanded two things: my life and my soul!

[tense music playing]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] Hey…I’m into some freaky stuff myself. But even I have my limitations… So…

[Delores screams]

• Beetlejuice: [in Italian] We parted ways. [back to English] Now she's back, and she's mad.

Astrid meets Jeremy Frazier/"Now's my chance."

• Beetlejuice: Now's my Chance

Our Heroes and Lydia see Beetlejuice again/Lydia hears the truth about Jeremy

• Lydia Deetz: When I was a teenager, a trickster demon terrorized the Previous Owners of this House and my entire family and tried to force me to marry him, in order to come back to the real world for good.
• Lydia Deetz: I believed he was gone forever, and then lately, I have been seeing him again.
• Piglet: And now, he is actually back.
• And I don't know why, or how, or what to do.
• Rory: Okay, so you're saying that someone called Beetlejuice...
• Ash: Don't say his name!

Where is Astrid?

On a date. Her first.

I think I'm more nervous than she is.

The boy lives over on Jefferson.

Don't mention that street.

I have a listing that's kept me from a perfect sales record.

Oh, it's my own fault.

The place had been on the market for years... but I thought if I could sell the "murder House," it would be a feather in my cap.

Ash: murder House?

Rabbit: Which house?

That's where I dropped Astrid off.

She was seeing a boy named Jeremy.

-[unsettling music playing]

-Jeremy Frazier?

I didn't get his last name.

Oh, no, it can't be him.

But Jeremy Frazier was bad news.

Twenty-three years ago, he murdered his parents.

The cops found him hiding in his tree house.

When they tried to get him out, he fell, broke his neck, died instantly.

Tigger: (Gasps) Don't you know what this means? Astrid is coming out......

Pooh and Pals: WITH A GHOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Heroes summon Beetlejuice/Enter the Afterlife

• Rabbit: I never thought we would see that Model again.
• Ash: Shame on Adam and Barbara Maitland, we could have used their help.
• Jack Skellington: the best thing is to let them rest in Peace, Ash, and if the coward Snivel was here, watching Lydia, we already know who sent him.
• Ash and Pooh Bear (Realize): KIBOSH!
• Lydia Deetz: Kibosh?
• Misty: He's the Drill Sergeant of the Ghost Central Station.
• Jack Skellington: And one of Zordon's trusted allies.
• Stay Puft: And the Lord of all Ghosts. Even Gozer, Vigo, and Garraka's scared of him.
• Iago: Kibosh is a real hard case. Even Jafar steered clear of him.
• Lydia Deetz: I can't believe I'm doing this.
• Tai Kamiya: What other choice do we have?, just Say it.
• Lydia Deetz: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

[thunderclap]

[ground cracking]

[horse neighing]

[woman shrieking]

[ground rumbling]

[sinister music playing]

• Beetlejuice: The Juice is loose.
• Tigger, Shaggy, Scooby-Doo, Spike (MLP): (Faints of Fear)
• Lydia: [gasps]
• Ash Ketchum: Enough scaring, buster. We need you to tell us what this means.
• Beetlejuice: Oh, well, let's have a look, shall we? Long story short, her daughter's screwed. She decided to trade lives with the boy. He gets to come back, while she's stuck on the other side permanently. One-way ticket on the Soul Train.
• Lydia: Soul Train?
• Beetlejuice: That's right. Last stop, the Great Beyond.
• Misty: I thought disco music was dead?.
• Daffy Duck: No, it has always stinked the same.

Sandworm attack/Jeremy goes down

• Astrid: [echoing] Hey, where are we?
• Lydia: I don't know.
• Astrid: Hey, that's Saturn. Right? So we must be on one of its moons.
• Stay Puft: We're on Titan.
• Lydia: Titan? Is that where you met Thanos?
• Ash: Yeah. But it looks more deserted now.
• Astrid: I swear, the Afterlife is so random!
• Slimer: Look!

(sees a familiar looking skeleton)

• Rabbit: Oh my!
• Jack Skellington: That's Desmond Spellman!
• Korra: The Mad Warlock who wanted to overthrow Wendy the Good Witch?
• Tigger: Yep. That's him.
• Stay Puft: Hold on! Does that mean the Mystic Abyss leads it's victims toward this place?
• Ash: It makes sense now. It seems that the Oracle of the Mirror forgot to tell both Bowser and his former master about that detail back in Sunny Brite Resort.
• Tai Kamiya: Considering how Wendy's Aunts became overprotective of her.

[wind blowing]

[rumbling]

[tense music playing]

[wind blowing]

• Tigger: (hears a growl) What's that?
• Piglet: Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh?
• Pooh: I don't think so, Piglet.
• Misty: Ash, look! Back there!
• Ash: (gasps)

(something striped is seen briefly until it pops up)

• Pooh and Pals: (screams)
• Ash and friends: (screams)
• Shaggy: Zoinks!
• Lydia: Sandworm! Run!
• Tigger: Make a break for it!

[panting]

• Richard: Take my hand!

[all grunting]

• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Richard: Here! Come on!
• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Ash: (screams)
• Jack Skellington: (roars as he makes a face)
• Sandworm: (whimpers)
• Ritchie: Good thinking, Jack!
• Jack Skellington: Soul Robber! (grabs Ash and Lydia)
• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Astrid: [grunts]
• Everyone: [panting]
• Tigger: Phew! That sure was a close call. Old two-heads almost caught us.
• Cera: You can say that again.
• Scooby-Doo: I hate Sandworms.

[coffee machine whirring]

[muzak playing]

[fish squelching]

[both chuckle]

Marie Curie.

After the radiation poisoning.

Right?

-Learned from the best.

-[Richard chuckles]

We made a great kid.

Yeah, we did.

Come here!

I know you can't see me, but I check in on you both all the time.

And I don't want to be the reason that drove you two apart.

You need each other.

You make each other better.

Always have.

-[alarm blares]

-[automated voice] Alert!

We have a 6-9-9 violation.

We gotta get back to Winter River.

You can't leave until Astrid gets her life back.

-Warning! Intruder detected!

-Let's go.

The Ghoul patrol found the breach and sealed it.

Any sign of Mr. Beetlejuice?

Or the Fleshbags?

Still looking.

But we did find something that might help.

Hmm.

-"Bob"?

-Mmm?

[grunts]

Let me tell ya how this is gonna go.

Your shriveled lips will start flappin', or I'll crack your itty-bitty skull like a gosh darn walnut.

Wolf Jackson: [yells] Where's Beetlejuice?

[whimpering]

• Jeremy: You're too late, man.
• Iago: I wouldn't be so sure about it, Kid.
• Beetlejuice: I think it was Dostoevsky who said...Later, Alligator!
• Jeremy: [screaming]
• Misty: That was quick.
• Richard: Quick! This way!
• Jeremy: [screaming]
• Beetlejuice: (laughs) Next.
• Kibosh: (not recognizing Beetlejuice in his disguise) Well done. Now to business.
• Crud: Uh, Big K. What a surprise.
• Joker: You’re looking…uh trim.
• Kibosh: Silence. You’ve been a thorn to my allies far too long.
• Professor Screweyes: Master. Master. Wait.
• Beetlejuice: Later, losers (pulls the lever sends the villains to Titan)
• Kibosh: Now let’s see how Sandworms react to villains. (laughs evilly as he watches)
• Villains: (running away from a the attacking Sandworm)

The truth comes out/Wedding of inconvenience

• Astrid: Thank you for saving my life. I'm so sorry I never believed that you saw ghosts and...I don't know, I'm just sorry for all of it.
• Lydia: Astrid, I...
• Father Damian: Lydia! Come on, you're late!
• Lydia: Oh, my Gosh! My wedding!
• Father Damien We're about to start.
• Astrid: Wait, Mom, with everything that's happened tonight, you know you don't have to do this, right?
• Lydia: I know, but if I don't do it now, I'm never gonna do it.
• Winnie the Pooh: But are you sure about this?
• Lydia: Rory loves me, Pooh Bear. and that's gotta be enough.
• Father Damien: Quickly, my dear! Come! Come! Oh.

[door opens]

• Father Damian: And the lost lamb is welcome into thy house -with open arms.
• Rory: Oh, my Gosh! I thought you got cold feet.
• Astrid: Oh, no, blame me. She just saved me from my date from Heck.
• Brock: Who are all these people?
• Rory: This is just a couple influencers.
• Tai Kamiya: Influencers?
• Rory: Nobody under five million followers, and I think we have a Netflix executive in there.
• Bugs Bunny (OS): Speaking of Netflix, do you know the rates, fees and promotions of the Max Streaming service?
• Daffy Duck (OS): Yeah.
• Bugs Bunny: You, uh, ever see any money from all that stuff?
• Daffy Duck: Ha. Not a cent.
• Bugs Bunny: Hmm. Me neither.
• Daffy Duck: It's a crying shame, We gotta get new agents. We're getting scammed.
• Astrid: We doing this?
• Rory: Yeah. Where's your dress?
• Lydia: All that matters is that I'm here, now. So let's just skip straight to the vows.
• Tai Kamiya: Wait, where's Mrs. Deetz?
• Rex: Wait, she's not here?
• Rabbit: Great. First we got into the Afterlife finding Astrid and trouble. Then we get chased by a Sandworm again. Now, Delia can't bother to show up? Can this get any worse?
• Kibosh: Oh, it's worse. Way worse!
• Pooh and Pals: Kibosh?!
• Kibosh: Count on It!
• Snivel: See? I told you they were here. I caught’em red handed!
• Lydia: You’re Kibosh?!
• Kibosh: In person. So where’s Beetlejuice?!
• Beetlejuice (OS): Yo!

[guests gasping]

[thunderclap]

• Beetlejuice: Right here.
• Ash: You!
• Stay Puft: What are you doing with Delia Deetz, Beetlejuice?!
• Beetlejuice: She was helpin' me calm down before the wedding. I was feeling a little jittery. All, right, beat it.
• Rory: You. You're that thing... from my dream.
• Beetlejuice: Well, I'm really more nightmare material, but, thanks.
• Astrid: [distorted] You're...
• Beetlejuice: Uh-uh. Part of the deal is you can never, ever say my name, ever!
• Astrid: What deal?
• Beetlejuice: The deal she made to save you. By the way, you can call me "Dad."
• Delia: Lydia. You agreed to marry him?
• Lydia: I was desperate, and it was my only option.
• Rory: Lydia. What's going on here?
• Kibosh: I know what's going on. It's because of Delores, isn't it? That's why you made the deal. In return for saving this young one, to stay away from Delores, you have to marry Lydia Meats.
• Snivel: Lydia Deetz.

(Kibosh Angrily grabs Snivel)

• Kibosh: (to Snivel) Get me Wolf Jackson!
• Snivel: Ow! Yes, your backhandedness! (Flies away)
• Beetlejuice: Wow. [book thuds] Awkward. (to Rory) You haven't made much progress since our last session, so I'm gonna suggest some drug therapy. Don't be afraid to share. When you're ready.
• Rory: [groans, gasping] I always thought your whole act was all for naught. I never believed in ghosts, spirits, or any of it.
• Lydia: What? All this time? Why the heck did you wanna get married?
• Rory: Money!

[guests gasping]

• Tigger: He had to Ask.
• Rory: I knew I could make more as your husband than I could as your manager. [groans] And I never had a dead fiancee. I just went to that survivor's retreat, so that I could meet weak women and exploit them! And I hit the codependent lottery when I met you.
• Beetlejuice: How 'bout a little physical therapy?

(A Boxing Glove appears on Lydia's Hand)

• Louie: This is going to get ugly.
• Lydia: [grunts and Punches him in the face]

[body thuds]

• Tai Kamiya: Rocky Balboa, eat your heart out.
• Beetlejuice: My sentiments exactly, Spiky. Now then. We'd like to thank you all for coming to this very special occasion, but right now we'd like a little privacy.

[quirky music playing]

[guests straining]

• Father Damien: [gasping]
• Sora Takenouchi: Yep, there goes the Neighborhood.
• Beetlejuice: Where you goin', Padre?
• Kibosh: Beetlejuice!
• Beetlejuice: Hey, Boss. Glad you can make it. How about you be my Best...
• Kibosh: Silence. (grabs "the Cage") You've been a thorn in our side far too long.
• Beetlejuice: Not this time. (breaks "the Cage")

["Wedding March" playing]

• Beetlejuice: [chuckles]
• Tigger: Deja Vu.
• Mimi Tachikawa: That wedding dress is so 80s.

["MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris playing]

• Tai Kamiya: MacArthur Park? Seriously?
• Beetlejuice: Honey, I've got one more surprise, and this one's from the heart. [heart thumping]
• Lydia: [groans]

[mouthing] ♪ Spring was never Waiting for us, girl ♪

♪ It ran one step ahead ♪'

♪ As we followed in the dance ♪

[mouthing] ♪ Between the parted Pages and were pressed ♪

♪ In love's hot, fevered iron ♪

♪ Like a striped Pair of pants ♪

♪ MacArthur's Park Is melting in the dark ♪

♪ All the sweet green icing Flowin' down ♪

[mouthing] ♪ Someone Left the cake out in the rain ♪

♪ I don't think That I can take it ♪

♪ 'Cause it took so long To bake it ♪

♪ And I'll never Have that recipe ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

[mouthing] ♪ I recall The yellow cotton dress ♪

♪ Foaming like a wave ♪

[mouthing] ♪ On the ground Around your knees ♪

♪ The birds, like tender babies In your hands ♪

♪ And the old men Playing checkers ♪

♪ By the trees ♪

[mouthing] ♪ MacArthur's Park Is melting in the dark ♪

♪ All the sweet green icing Flowing down ♪

♪ Someone left the cake Out in the rain ♪

♪ I don't think That I can take it ♪

♪ 'Cause it took so long To bake it ♪

♪ And I'll never Have that recipe again ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

• Beetlejuice (Breaks the 4th Wall): I love a good dream sequence.

[mouthing] ♪ There will be Another song for me ♪

♪ For I will sing it ♪

♪ I will drink the wine While it is warm ♪

♪ And never let you catch me Looking at the sun ♪

♪ And after all The loves of my life ♪

♪ After all the loves Of my life ♪

♪ You'll still be the one ♪

[orchestral solo playing]

[grunting]

[mouthing] ♪ I will take

My life into my hands ♪

♪ And I will use it ♪

♪ I will win the worship ♪

♪ In their eyes

And I will lose it ♪

[all grunting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[whimpering]

[song ends]

• Tai Kamiya: Finally the song ended, I was already starting to get a headache.
• Ash: Is that…
• Wolf Jackson: Mr. Juice, you've violated code 6-9-9!
• Beetlejuice: Freeze! [ice cracking] Book 'em, Danno! (laughs)
• Piglet This is t-t-t-t-terrible.
• Eeyore: Could be worse.

[thunderclap]

• Delores: Beetlejuice!
• Joe Kido: That answer your question, Eeyore?
• Beetlejuice: What the...[bleep]
• Delores: [in sing-song voice] I'm back.
• Eeyore: See?
• Ash: That's her, right?
• Beetlejuice: That's her, alright. Now beat it before she gets you, too. (to Delores) Sweetheart! You look fantastic! You look so...put together.
• Delores: [in normal voice, to Lydia] He's mine.
• Beetlejuice: It's me, not you.
• Ash: Leave him alone!
• Delores: This doesn't concern you, child. (sends him away unharmed)
• Ritchie: We've got to do something, guys this is getting out of hand.
• Winnie the Pooh: Look!
• Misty (Whispering VO): The Book!
• Winnie the Pooh (Whispering): Now while they're distracted…
• Beetlejuice: You know, honey, I've been goin' through a lotta changes lately. Kind of a mid-afterlife crisis, I guess.
• Delores: Your soul belongs to me, my love. For eternity.
• Beetlejuice: You don't wanna spend your eternity with me. I'm a lone wolf. You need a soulmate. Somebody who really sees you. For instance.
• Rory: [whimpering]
• Daffy Duck (to Rory): Your funeral, buddy.
• Astrid: (sees a Sandworm page in the Handbook) I need something to draw with. Quick!
• T.K.: Here use one of my crayons.

(Astrid draws a floor door, knocks on it 3 times, the door opens, rumbling is heard)

• Rabbit: Oh, no! Not again!
• Tai Kamiya: Stand back!
• Tigger: Make a break for it!

["MacArthur Park" instrumental playing]

(Sandworm appears, Kibosh falls backwards)

• Beetlejuice: [speaking Spanish] Sandworms!
• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Beetlejuice: [in Spanish] Worst Wedding Ever! [in Spanish] Come here, Big Boy! Right this way! Good! Olé.
• Rory and Delores: [gasping]
• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Rory and Delores: [scream]
• Genie: Whoa-oh. This guy does his homework.
• Tai Kamiya: At least we know how Desmond ended.

(Kibosh gets up)

• Iago: (notices his tail feathers are missing) Oh, this is attractive.
• Stay Puft: (Fred Flintstone VO) Alright, you! Spit it out!
• Sandworm: (Garbage Disposal Pig VO) (Burp, throws the Tail Feathers)
• Iago: (puts his tail feathers back on)
• Aladdin: (shakes his head) Come on.
• Delia Deetz: Let's go!
• Beetlejuice: Hey! (Shows the Contract) We had a deal.
• Astrid: She doesn't have to marry you.
• Beetlejuice: What?
• Astrid: You violated code 6-9-9. Yeah, you illegally brought my mom and my friends into the Afterlife. According to that book, that contract is null and void.
• Tigger: Yeah, Brunose!, Who's laughing now?
• Lydia: Look, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, but the 600-year age gap was a little bit much for me. Beetle...
• Beetlejuice: Ah!
• Lydia: Beetlejuice.

[hisses]

• Beetlejuice: [exclaims]
• Lydia: Beetlejuice.
• Beetlejuice: [straining] Hey!
• Lydia: Beetlejuice.

[hissing]

[loud popping]

• Lydia: [gasping]
• Beetlejuice: Shoulda got married in Vegas. (disappears)
• Piglet: Whew. T-t-t-that was a c-c-c-close one.
• Ash: Man, But what a Fright Night that was.
• Shaggy: Don't take it the wrong way, Ash, we've had it worse.
• Scooby-Doo: Reah.

Ending

• Wolf Jackson: Looks like we're a little late, boys. Tape off the crime scene, call in forensics, and keep the dog gone media away. (to Lydia) Little lady, you just popped his Beetlejuice.
• Ash Ketchum: Uncle Wolf?
• Wolf Jackson: Hey, Ash. Sorry if I missed the Masters 8. Had a little accident, ya know.
• Lydia: You know him?
• Ash Ketchum: He's one of the greatest stars at Pokéstar Studios until his last film became his undoing.
• Wolf Jackson: Who knew it was a live grenade? Say your goodbyes, you can take a selfie now, if you like, but make it quick.
• Ash Ketchum: (laughs)
• Wolf Jackson: (to Delia) Sister, you're comin' with me.
• Lydia Deetz: What? Delia, what did you do?
• Delia Deetz: I fell for a scam, and I'm counting on you to claim a refund.
• Astrid: Those snakes were actually poisonous, weren't they?
• Delia Deetz: Yeah. So, I died of embarrassment.
• Astrid: Your work's gonna go up in value.
• Delia Deetz: Oh! Oh, well, then.
• Astrid: Mmm-hmm.
• Lydia Deetz: Delia...I'll miss you.
• Delia Deetz: No, you won't. I'll find Charles and we'll haunt you both, until you beg us to move on!
• Jack Skellington: That won't happen. We know a ghost who can keep you intact.
• Snivel: (grabs Kibosh) The Pumpkin King means you, sir.
• Kibosh: (growls as he moves his arm)
• Wolf Jackson: Nice work for a couple of Fleshbags. Don't come knockin' until it's your time, and in the meantime, remember, you gotta keep it real.
• Kibosh: Yes. But remember the rules. A family has to stick together for all time.
• Snivel: Yeah. You’re stuck without Betelgeuse.
• Kibosh: That’s Beetlejuice. (to Lydia and Astrid) Make sure you flesh dwellers never darken my tomb again. (to Wolf) Let's go, Wolf. The next train arrives in 10 minutes.
• Wolf Jackson: (to Delia) Come on, beautiful, we got a date with the commissioner. (to Ash) Hey, Ash. Say hi to your Mom and the Marios for me.
• Ash Ketchum: (nods) Right.
• Wolf Jackson: See ya on the other side, kid. (leaves)
• Kibosh: And don't worry about the people trapped in their phones, they'll be out tomorrow morning with no memory of this. (leaves)
• Rabbit: (Sigh) It Will be a Long Journey Back to Angel Grove.
• Ash: Yes, Mewtwo, Aisling, the Good Fairy and Uncle Mario won't believe what has happened.
• Kari Kamiya: I wonder what will happen to Mrs. Deetz when she is reunited with her husband?
• Jack Skellington: Well Kari, She had what she wanted, it is never easy to forget our loved ones even when they are now in the afterlife.

[mellow music playing]

["Soul Train Theme" by The Soul Train gang plays]

[all cheering and laughing]

• Delia Deetz: Charles!
• Charles: Delia! I can't believe you're here!
• Delia Deetz: Oh, Charles.
• Charles: I'm so happy to see you!
• Delia Deetz: Oh, Charles, look what happened to me!
• Engineer: This is the 10:13, to the Great Beyond! All aboard the Soul Train!

(Scene Fades to Black)

(Scene: Power Chamber/Library)

• Aisling (OS): You were lucky to make it out alive, Guys.
• Mario (OS): Yeah, You almost had us worried Snivel told us everything.
• Ash: You have no idea, Uncle Mario I even met Uncle Wolf.
• Aisling: Wolf Jackson, The deceased B-Movie Actor?
• Mario: I warned that man that his career will dig his grave, but I never imagined that in the Afterlife they would have a Police Force.
• Good Fairy: And are you sure about Beetlejuice? No wonder that in the end he will end up working with Kibosh.
• Ash: The truth is that we never believed we would see him again, GF. now I see why the Ghostly Trio are terrified of him even though he was their drill sergeant.
• Jiminy Cricket: How did it happen so quickly?
• Aisling: Years ago he accepted the Job as Juno's Replacement in the Afterlife, during the Aftermath of the Maitland incident while continuing his labor as Drill Sergeant. It was a long time ago before Casper was thrown from the Train to the Ghost Central Station and arrived in Deedstown.
• Korra: I guess we haven't seen the last of him.
• Ash: Kibosh?
• Korra: Nope. You-know-who.
• Ritchie: We'd rather face the Koopa and the Villains, than see that crazy specter again.
• Aisling: My advice. Never mention that name three times again.
• Iago: You said it, Kid.
• Rabbit: Indeed. But if he tries any funny business I will teach him a lesson.
• Mewtwo: Enough. What's done is done. Kibosh will keep him under control. If he can.
• Tai Kamiya: You have no idea, Chief, Between watching Desmond Spellman's Fate, The Afterlife and that cloying MacArthur Park song, I'd say it was enough Phantasmagoria for a day.
• Joe Kido: I Agree with Tai.
• Mimi Tachikawa: I think that song is very beautiful and romantic.
• Aisling: That's if you're a fan of Donna Summer or Richard Harris in the 60's.
• Mario: But so far as we know, Bowser did not dare to make a move in Winter River And that's good, isn't it?.
• Winnie the Pooh: But what about Lydia and Astrid, do you think they will surpass it and move forward?
• Aisling: We're not so sure, But if Beetlejuice comes back somehow, he will not give up on marrying Ms. Deetz. I'm afraid it's too late for her.
• Mario: What are you talking about, Bambina?
• Aisling: Rory, Frazier and Delores may be condemned for life in Tartarus for their ambitions and Goals. But Lydia won't be sleeping well after all this. If there's one thing she should have learned when she was a teenager, from the day she met the Maitlands and moved to Winter River, it's that curiosity Killed the Cat.

[mellow music playing, thunder rumbling]

• Lydia: I wanna thank all you Ghosties out there, for all your support over the years, but this is my last show. I have spent so much time talking to the dead, it's time I started living. (VO) I wanna make memories with the people I love rather than be haunted by them later.

[indistinct chatter]

[church bell tolling]

[guests cheering and clapping]

• Astrid: [breathing heavily, screaming]

[water splashing]

• Surgeon: Oh, my God. What is that?

[all gasping]

[flesh squelching]

[nurse yelps]

[screams]

[tense music playing]

[glass squeaking]

[light bulb shatters]

[screaming]

• Baby Beetlejuice: Mommy!

[fly buzzes]

• Lydia: [gasps]

[Astrid's laughter echoes]

• Beetlejuice: I just had the weirdest dream.

[thunderclap]

• Lydia: [gasps]

[Beetlejuice's laughter echoing]

• Aisling (VO): How much is a goodnight sleep worth? Now there's a riddle for you.

(Fades to Black)

Cryptkeeper's Epilogue

(Scene: Cryptkeeper's Tomb)

• Cryptkeeper: I guess Lydia found out that it was too late for her, so in the end instead of being a hostess of a successful Talk Show, she went on to be hospitalized for Psychological Evaluation. (evil laughter) Still too bad about Beetlejuice, who would have imagined that his obsession for her would take him so far as to forget his previous life. Maybe if he had been nicer to Delores, he wouldn't have been a candidate to face Violet Beauregarde, in a Hot Air Balloon Racing competition. (Evil Laughter)
• Cryptkeeper: And as for me, Kiddies It seems that this is all, but because it doesn't give me the feeling that I will forget something very important.
• Kibosh: Cryptkeeper! (appears with Lydia Deetz, Astrid, and Scary Godmother)
• Cryptkeeper: Oh, dear.
• Astrid: (draws a floor door, knocks on it 3 times, the door opens, rumbling is heard)
• Sandworm: [appears, roaring]
• Cryptkeeper: (screams)
• Sandworm: (chases Cryptkeeper)
• Cryptkeeper: Well Kiddies, Looks like I'm gonna have a ghoul workout. See you next time, boils and ghouls! (evil laughs, screams)
• Sandworm: [roaring]
• Scary Godmother: (clears throat) Sorry about that, folks. Thanks for watching.

THE END!

In Loving Memory of James Earl Jones (1931-2024)